Self-Compassion: The Proven Power Of Being Kind To Yourself

Kindness, mindfulness, and a sense of common humanity are the basic ingredients of self-compassion, and they can be used to cultivate self-appreciation as well. The author reflects on how people often crave and fear praise at the same time. While people want to be validated, they are often more familiar with their own self-criticism than others’ flattery. Neff believes that by using self-appreciation, people can see the good in themselves without turning into narcissists or feeding their egos. By distinguishing between healthy self-appreciation and egotistical behavior, Neff revisits her point that self-compassion practices are not about self-indulgence or making excuses. This distinction assures the reader that these tools are not empty self-flattery.

The Buddhist concept of sympathetic joy, or mudita, means feeling happy for others’ success. By channeling this feeling towards others, people will be less likely to feel jealousy, which tends to be the origin of many self-hating thoughts. Rather than appreciating themselves in comparison to others, people’s connection to humanity will help them recognize the goodness in them, and everyone else. The author’s reference to mudita grounds her advice in Buddhist tradition, the source of her knowledge about self-compassion. In doing so, she credits the Buddhist tradition for articulating so many of the concepts she advocates for in the book. However, by neglecting to explain the Buddha’s teaching on this topic and by instead focusing on scientific research, the author continues to defend her argument using rational, academic methods.

Mindfulness supports self-appreciation, as people must be aware of their good qualities in order to appreciate them. With self-compassion, people can appreciate their good qualities and make progress on their weak spots at the same time. To begin this process, the author asks the reader to write down 10 things they like about themselves and reflect on each one. The author’s exercise challenges the reader to put some self-appreciation into practice right away. She compares self-appreciation to self-esteem, noting that self-appreciation does not involve comparisons with others. This is an important distinction. She explains, “Self-esteem tends to be predicated on separation and comparison, on being better than others, and therefore special. Self-appreciation, in contrast, is based on connectedness, on seeing our similarities with others, recognizing that everyone has their strong points” (274). Neff argues that this promotes a healthier and happier sense of self-worth. By critiquing self-esteem yet again, the author creates a clear sense of how it differs from self-appreciation. Her explanation of self-appreciation emphasizes the connectedness and lack of competition which springs from this mindset.

Neff cites The How of Happiness author Sonia Lyubomirsky’s research, which found that people’s levels of happiness are mostly informed by their genetics and their attitudes towards their lives. Lyubomirsky found that happier people tended to not compare themselves to others, practiced kindness and mindfulness, and were grateful for what they had. The author considers the merits of gratitude, noting that being thankful is at the core of many belief systems. She cites research which shows that actively practicing gratitude makes people feel happier. She recommends keeping a gratitude journal to put this into practice in daily life. Neff’s inclusion of Lyubomirsky’s research shows that attitude isn’t everything, but it is the one factor people can control to create a happier life.

The author concludes that self-compassion and self-appreciation are like “two sides of the same coin” (281). Where self-compassion brings suffering into focus and generates acceptance and kindness for it, self-appreciation turns the mind to the good in oneself and in life in general. The author urges the reader to embrace both of these perspectives, emphasizing their accessibility to everyone.

Chapter Lessons

• Self-appreciation consciously focuses the mind on the good in oneself.
• By practicing gratitude and savoring experiences, people can boost their happiness.
• Feeling good about oneself and one’s life has more to do with one’s attitude than the actual event.

Reflection Questions

• Gratitude and savoring are two proven ways to boost positivity and happiness. What are you grateful for right now?
• Consider a pleasurable daily experience you failed to really savor and reenact it now, being more mindful of the parts of it you enjoyed and value.