Self-Compassion: The Proven Power Of Being Kind To Yourself

Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is a 2011 self-help book by American author Dr. Kristin Neff. In her work, Dr. Neff, a research psychologist, explains the concept of self-compassion and explores its many benefits. She describes self-compassion as a mindset of kindness and acceptance and argues that it is an antidote to both arrogance and harsh self-criticism. By embracing self-compassion, Dr. Neff believes that people can develop a healthy sense of self-worth and improve their relationships with others as well. Using scientific studies, personal anecdotes, and training exercises, Self-Compassion translates this concept into a practicable skill. 

This guide refers to the 2011 Kindle edition of this book.

Content Warning: This book includes references to ableism, emotional abuse, mental illness, bullying, illness, disordered eating, child death, child abuse, physical abuse, and sexual violence.

Summary

This book has five parts and 13 chapters. Part 1 addresses the problem of competition and the extremes many people experience in how they perceive relationships. Chapter 1 argues that inflating one’s ego in a bid for high self-esteem or spiraling into self-loathing through anxiety both distort reality and foster poor mental health. Self-compassion means acknowledging one’s flaws and mistakes, but quieting the negative inner critic. Chapter 2 explains that low self-worth can feel entrenched in one’s mind, as it often stems from childhood. Instead of judging their inner critic, people should engage with it gently, questioning its negative conclusions and replacing them with kinder thoughts. 

Part 2 discusses the core components of self-compassion. Chapter 3 investigates humans’ evolutionary tendency to want to give and receive care, arguing that people can harness this instinct and use it towards themselves with soothing physical and mental self-care. Chapter 4 laments that perfectionism, competition, and social comparison isolate people from others and damage their sense of self-worth. To avoid this, people should focus on their similarities with others to feel connected to humanity and easily give and receive compassion. In Chapter 5, Dr. Neff identifies mindfulness as an essential part of self-compassion, as becoming aware of one’s pain is the first step to engaging with it in a compassionate way. 

Part 3 argues for the benefits of self-compassion. Chapter 6 explores how negativity bias informs people’s thinking. Left unchecked, negative thoughts can spiral into rumination, but mindfulness exercises can nip this harmful phenomenon in the bud. Chapter 7 critiques modern culture’s obsession with self-esteem, noting that high self-esteem is often based on delusion or on certain accomplishments. People with high and low self-esteem are often equally talented and likeable but have different perceptions of themselves and others. In contrast, self-compassion makes people more self-aware and fosters a more permanent sense of self-worth while quieting the ego. The final chapter in this section assesses the science of motivation, reporting that self-criticism often makes people stressed, anxious or depressed, ruining their chances of performing well. Meanwhile, self-compassion builds emotional resilience to failure and creates the security necessary to take risks and learn new things. 

In Part 4, Dr. Neff discusses how self-compassion relates to others. Chapter 9 argues that self-compassion helps people care for others by reducing caregiver fatigue and opening their heart to empathy and forgiveness. Chapter 10 focuses on parenting and using self-compassion to forgive oneself and to teach children how to identify and manage their emotions. The following chapter explores how self-compassion benefits romantic relationships, arguing that it encourages awareness of one’s own triggers and patterns. Here, Dr. Neff cites research that shows a correlation between self-compassion and supportive behavior between partners.

Part 5 reinforces why self-compassion is so important. Chapter 12 frames self-compassion as a valuable tool for interrupting negative thoughts and opening the mind to new, positive possibilities. It encourages the reader to practice optimism and find a silver lining wherever possible. The book’s final chapter introduces self-appreciation as a complimentary practice to self-compassion and asks the reader to appreciate their strengths and talents. Gratitude and mindfully savoring experiences are two proven ways to increase one’s happiness, reminding the reader that no matter the challenge, self-compassion is always there for them.