Semi-Well-Adjusted Despite Literally Everything: A Memoir

Stoner frames their decision to enter treatment at Remuda Ranch as a turning point in their vocational and personal life. Entering treatment both offered Stoner more autonomy over their life while limiting their immediate freedoms. While at Remuda Ranch, Stoner experienced “the most stabilizing and consistent daily routine [they had] ever had” (192). They had to follow a rigid meal plan while attending regularly scheduled groups and workshops. This intensive routine was an escape from the world of Hollywood and gave Stoner the chance to rethink their mental, physical, and emotional functioning: “I still longed to make it in Hollywood, and no one was stopping me from auditioning, […] But my severe drive to succeed is what landed me in rehab. If I wanted to get better, I had to put recovery first, and nobody could choose it for me” (198). The passage suggests that Remuda Ranch played a vital role in Stoner’s journey to Self-Discovery amid Hollywood Culture and Childhood Trauma by essentially forcing them to focus on themselves. As a child star, Stoner had learned from a young age to compartmentalize their true feelings and experiences to focus on their career, leaving them unsure of who they were and unable to process the abusive, exploitative, and dysfunctional dynamics they’d experienced. Now, however, they could not use their career advancement to distract from their health and their personal challenges. What’s more, the mere act of choosing to be in treatment was empowering for Stoner. This was the first time they were able to make a decision based on their own needs rather than the expectations of the industry. Recovery and healing, Stoner implies, are concerted choices a person has to make for themselves. 

Stoner’s experiences in treatment and reintegration into the outside world altered their understanding of their family and themselves. While in treatment, Stoner was compelled to put distance between themselves and their mother for the first time. This circumstantial change helped them “acknowledge a perk of having limited contact” (197). Their mother’s addiction to alcohol and self-absorbed tendencies became more apparent from afar. Their subsequent financial troubles and sexual awakening further complicated their regard for their mother. When LuAnne disparaged their orientation and Stoner learned that LuAnne had been stealing from them, they were forced to acknowledge the dysfunction of the relationship. However, reinventing the relationship with LuAnne was not simple for Stoner: “If I admitted she wasn’t perfect, then it would spiral; I would have to face the […] fact that I was taken advantage of, that I didn’t even like Hollywood, that I’d wasted my entire life on something I wouldn’t have chosen” (247). Interrogating their relationship with their mother compelled Stoner to more thoroughly examine their own identity. In this liminal space, they discovered that they wanted something different for their future. They began to rebuild their relationship with their father, to develop new dreams, and to claim their identity anew.

Stoner’s progress in their Journey Toward Recovery and Healing emerges most clearly in the chapter devoted to their evolving understanding of their orientation. Stoner’s discovery of their attraction to women jeopardized not only their relationship with their mother but also their standing in the Christian community they had found. The latter had provided Stoner with a sense of identity amid the turbulence of their professional and familial lives; it is therefore a testament to their increased self-confidence that they were able to disentangle their spiritual beliefs and practices from the church itself when the latter became a toxic environment.