Semi-Well-Adjusted Despite Literally Everything: A Memoir

“I wished her good luck, but on the inside, insecurity bubbled up. Was she better than me in the competitions? She is gorgeous. How could they not like her? It’s not that I didn’t want her to win; I wanted everyone to succeed. But I needed to show Margaret that it wasn’t a mistake to bring me here. She’d made an exception, because I was special. My body shuddered at the thought of failure.”

Stoner writes from their adult, retrospective point of view but here channels their childhood perspective through the use of internal monologue. This conveys how their youthful insecurity impacted their foray into the entertainment industry. The italicized questions invite the reader into Stoner’s raw, emotional state as a seven-year-old. Such moments pervade the memoir, implicitly asking readers to empathize with Stoner’s child self.

“Internally, I feared that the whole divorce was my fault. I overheard Mom and Dad arguing one night that I was an ‘accident’ and that I wasn’t part of the original plan. If that were true, I wanted to do whatever I possibly could to prove they wouldn’t regret their mistake. I’ll be the best mistake ever.”

Stoner’s incorporation of episodes from their home and family life into their wider Hollywood story furthers the memoir’s theme of Self-Discovery amid Hollywood Culture and Childhood Trauma. At work, Stoner hid behind the facade of the peppy little girl with a big attitude. At home, Stoner was often overwhelmed by fear and guilt. This moment underscores how difficult it was for Stoner to make sense of their tumultuous personal life in light of their superficially idyllic Hollywood life.

“‘It’s okay,’ he coached, tiptoeing around me and crouching down so we were just a foot apart. His low voice was disarming and added to the intense pulsations in my chest. I wanted to make him proud, but it was unnerving. What if no one is there to help me feel better? What if my tears never stop?”

Stoner’s first sessions with Nick Cooper offered them an emotional outlet. Because Stoner began acting and performing at a young age, they never learned practical skills for managing their own emotions. In this anecdote, they therefore vacillate between a desire to please Nick and a fear of emoting. The moment effects a vulnerable, bittersweet mood and foreshadows the internal growth Stoner would undergo in the coming years.

“Although auditions were positioned as a creative outlet, they actually had nothing to do with carefree self-expression. My personal interests didn’t matter. The real assignment was to please and impress the casting team and beat out the competition. One of the most effective strategies was to become a chameleon who could be shaped by anyone for any end.”

Stoner’s reflections on their acting career further the theme of the dangers of child stardom. As a child, Stoner simply wanted to please the adults around them and to do well. What they did not realize was that these same adults (agents, managers, directors, and producers alike) did not care about them as a person and only saw them as a commodity. This passage underscores the exploitative nature of the industry.

“There was a newfound maturity and stoicism that could only come from taking on adult responsibilities. Without knowing we were a smoke screen for a media conglomerate’s marketing strategy, Mike and I understood that we were the central figures around whom an entire crew was employed and an entire project was funded. That alone curbed most of our dillydallying.”

Stoner muses on their coming-of-age experiences while filming Mike’s Super Short Show, furthering the theme of self-discovery. This filming environment changed Stoner because they were compelled to quash their personal feelings and desires to satisfy “an entire crew.” A child in an adult world, Stoner was forced over the threshold into adulthood before they were ready.

“Now my life had no common ground with anyone. Neither adults nor kids knew what to do with a nine-year-old public figure and industry veteran. I didn’t know what to do with them, either. I was adrift in a sea of unfamiliarity, but I couldn’t abandon my life quest.”

Stoner’s rise to fame alienated them and robbed them of typical childhood experiences. Their reflections on this dynamic further the theme of self-discovery amid Hollywood culture and childhood trauma. Stoner was respected in Hollywood, but the juxtaposition of their age with the roles they were inhabiting (“public figure and industry veteran”) is dissonant in a way that highlights the unhealthy dynamics at play. To make matters worse, those in their home of Toledo, Ohio, recognized this dissonance and saw Stoner as an anomaly and an outsider. Stoner was caught between these views of their identity and left wondering who they were as a result.

“It ached to accept that nothing lasted, but the evidence mounted: my parents’ divorce, our fractured home, switching schools and friend circles, the deep bonds and deep breaks on set. It was intoxicating to feel like I temporarily belonged, but it wasn’t worth the excruciating pain of having it abruptly stripped from me.”

Stoner’s experience filming Cheaper by the Dozen underscored their longing for home, family, and belonging. While the family on set was happy, connected, and loving, Stoner’s family structure was fraying. They realized how much they were relying on this fictional family for support as soon as filming came to an end but concluded that the solution was to avoid connection altogether; the word choice—“intoxicating”—evokes their understanding of belonging as both seductive and dangerous. This passage underscores the difficulties of self-discovery amid Hollywood culture and childhood trauma.

“I recognized that Nick wasn’t trying to hurt me with his expressive teaching method. He was providing the only stable and safe place where I could be fully myself. Everything that was pent up from the week—sadness from being rejected at auditions, self-doubt from hate mail, fear from John’s threats—bubbled to the surface to be released, usually against my own will. But Nick never judged me for it.”

Stoner’s continued sessions with their voice coach, Nick, contribute to the theme of the Journey Toward Recovery and Healing. With Nick, Stoner discovered the power of feeling and expressing their emotions for the first time. Nick offered them a safe space to begin exploring their interiority without fear. This passage foreshadows the work Stoner would later do to create safe spaces for other child stars like themselves.

“My heart swelled. In a split second, I gained a personal relationship with a Savior. Just when I needed family the most, I gained a Father and Provider, not to mention a map for my life. The voids I’d been feeling were now filled, overflowing with what I came to understand as God’s presence.”

Stoner incorporates their religious experiences into their account to convey their intense longing for acceptance, guidance, and understanding as a child. Stoner felt relieved to join a church because their family structure was fraying, they had no definite sense of home, work was taxing, and their sense of self was fragmented. As a Christian, Stoner suddenly felt that they had a ready-made roadmap to life, a templated identity, and the parental figures absent throughout much of their childhood.

“As children, we thought we were meeting with trusted adults who cared about us on a personal level. In reality, they dangled dreams in front of us like a hypnotist with a pocket watch, raptly watching us duke it out for roles while having a completely separate corporate agenda driving decisions.”

Stoner employs a retrospective stance to comment on the dangers of child stardom. Stoner reflects on how they saw the industry as a child while exposing the truth of how the industry was in fact mistreating them. This moment underscores the exploitative dynamics central to child stardom in Hollywood. The simile of the hypnotist is particularly significant, suggesting how the industry got inside Stoner’s head.

“On the surface, I didn’t question the extra work hours and sacrifices, because it all seemed so purposeful. My existence was in service to whomever was in front of me. Saying no to commitments was never presented as an option. Giving of myself reinforced that I was useful in the world, and being useful was how I’d come to know that my life had value.”

Stoner assumes their childhood point of view to invite the reader into their past experiences. The passage illustrates that Stoner gave themselves wholeheartedly to the industry because they wanted to be good, to please others, and to feel valuable. This passage foreshadows the changes in perspective Stoner will undergo as they come of age and learn to identify and prioritize their own desires.

“At ninety-two pounds, I admitted to myself that I had an eating disorder, and it was impairing my life. My fitness levels plateaued because I didn’t have enough fuel to complete workouts. My emotions were so repressed that I couldn’t even manufacture them in auditions anymore. This is controlling you, Alyson. It’s going to ruin your life if you don’t fix it.”

This reflective passage marks a turning point in Stoner’s journey toward recovery. Stoner presents the details of their life with anorexia to create awareness around eating disorders. In this passage, they present themselves in a moment of vulnerability to convey the importance of seeking help and prioritizing healing. Stoner presents their internal monologue at the time in italics; the claims are more honest than those of previous passages, showing how their perspective on their health was evolving.

“Admittedly, I didn’t have the skills or courage to address anything directly. It was easier to silence my truth than stand up for myself and potentially cause a problem. I wouldn’t realize until years later that this pattern of self-minimization was one of many behaviors I’d adopted from the person who raised me. Absorb, appease, accommodate.”

Stoner details their experience working with Adam Sevani to deepen their themes of self-discovery and healing. As a young person, Stoner learned to follow their mother’s behavioral example. They were self-effacing and deferential as a result—always silencing their feelings to make room for others, no matter the abuse they faced. In retrospect, Stoner understands and reconciles with these aspects of their experience, which conveys how they have grown since.

“If it worked out as planned, I was prepared to faithfully carry out my duty to wow crowds until I croaked. But if I failed to make it, it wasn’t just about facing the crushing disappointment. It meant that I’d failed my mission. And I didn’t know how to survive anywhere else.”

While in treatment for their eating disorder at Remuda Ranch, Stoner was forced to reflect on who they were and what they wanted. Stoner inhabits their teenage perspective in this passage to convey the intensity of their internal conflict at the time. They wanted to recover and heal but also feared giving up everything they’d worked toward.

 “The laborious uphill battle of rewiring my brain and eating habits waged on. But some elements of treatment were actually enjoyable, like my one-on-one conversations with Winston. We nerded out on psychoeducation. My curiosity for understanding human behavior knew no end. It also helped me apply the week’s group lessons to my own recovery.”

Stoner employs an honest tone in rendering their experiences at Remuda Ranch, bolstered by the conversational diction (e.g., “nerded out”). In this passage, they admit the simultaneous difficulty and joy of pursuing their own recovery. While being in treatment felt like a “laborious uphill battle,” it also ushered them into new mentorships and offered them essential new skills—changes that facilitated their transformation.

“Now, I was feebly reconnecting to complicated emotions and repressed memories. My body remembered it all and demanded my attention. Migraines, nightmares, stress seizures, acid reflux—there was no denying how much I’d bottled up. I knew I wasn’t capable of healing my eating disorder and reevaluating all these complex parts of myself without external support.”

Stoner’s honest, confessional tone in this passage evokes their vulnerable state of mind upon leaving treatment at Remuda Ranch. Stoner wanted to heal but also feared they would struggle to apply their new skills to the real world; the catalog of physical symptoms, unbroken by any conjunction (a device called asyndeton), suggests a relentless cascade of anxiety. While the moment conveys Stoner’s insecurity, it also captures their transformation. Instead of giving up or self-alienating, Stoner identifies their need for “external support.”

“Social media was also serving another critical purpose in the developmental checklist: It was a sandbox for finding my own voice. As I produced my own content, it allowed me to showcase music and dance skills and sneak in inspirational videos centering personal development, a way of paying forward the tools that had supported my own healing and empowerment.”

Stoner’s new social media presence offered them the opportunity to claim their voice, identity, and beliefs. In the traditional entertainment industry, Stoner was compelled to satisfy others’ expectations and fulfill industry standards. Online, Stoner discovered a newfound freedom of expression. This passage marks a turning point in their healing, recovery, and self-discovery journeys, and the metaphor of the sandbox—conventionally associated with children’s play—suggests that it did so in part by allowing Stoner to reconnect with the childhood self that existed prior to their trauma.

“I felt increasingly out of place at church. Meanwhile, I met several queer people who were the most loving examples of being a disciple of Jesus I’d ever encountered. The mixed signals had no end, and the constant fear of failing my Creator caused so much pain that I wasn’t sure I could endure anymore.”

Stoner incorporates elements of their sexual and romantic journey into their account to present themselves in a holistic, honest light. In this passage, they describe how their queerness conflicted with the religious beliefs they had absorbed at church. Stoner’s account of their efforts to reconcile two competing worldviews underscores their desire to understand themselves and where they fit in.

“My past came flooding forward with the warmest memories of being on fields and courts, practicing my corner kicks and free-throw form. I thought about the research papers I used to self-assign, and the way my current love of songwriting lined up with his account. So few people knew me as the human he described, including myself.”

Stoner’s reconnection with their father helped them to see themselves anew. This passage contributes to the memoir’s theme of the journey toward recovery, which was not limited to their time at Remuda Ranch; rather, it extended into their personal and familial lives. By spending time with their father, Stoner was able to access new parts of themselves for the first time. The lyrical rhythm of the language in this passage enacts the nostalgia Stoner experienced in this moment.

“Resentment kicked in for how many adults had made decisions for me that left me buried under the rubble of their messes. My family, my team, even my teachers operated as if Hollywood were the only thing that mattered. No one mentioned what the aftermath of exploitation would feel like once Little Sally expired.”

The roadblocks Stoner encountered while pursuing a college education complicated their ability to follow their dreams. In this moment, Stoner details how their past in Hollywood impacted their adult career path, another danger of child stardom. Stoner trusted the adults in their life to guide them but later learned that their guidance was selfishly motivated or exploitative.

“As opposed to the pain that accompanied losing my support systems of faith and finances, I quickly discovered that reconstructing my life could also be joyful. Since I’d seen limited representation of queer love and intimacy in the public, my relationship with Scout became a giant blank canvas upon which we could be infinitely creative with what we designed.”

Stoner’s depictions of their relationship with Scout effect a happy, hopeful, and tender mood. Stoner incorporates vulnerable aspects of this relationship on the page to capture how transformative this connection with Scout was. With Scout, Stoner was able to redefine what love meant to them on their own terms.

“‘I think it’s time to get out of this city. I want to feel home.’ The intention was clear, but I didn’t have exact directions for getting there. I opened my mind to perceive new opportunities, trusting that I’d recognize the sign when the time was right. Life overdelivered.”

Stoner depicts a session with their therapist to convey how therapeutic guidance ushered them out of pain (in this case, stemming from rape) and toward renewal. The experience helped Stoner identify their desires and needs—a persistent struggle due to their upbringing. They acknowledge their confusion in this moment but foreshadow how identifying their need for home and belonging would guide them toward a happier life.

“After the Hollywood high, I began to feel the familiar crash. But this time, I wasn’t surprised or afraid of the rise and fall. I embraced the rebalancing antidote of plainness and privacy, finding beauty and purpose in all of it.”

Stoner’s assured tone in this passage conveys how much prioritizing their mental and emotional health changed them. Instead of letting the familiar letdown after the VMAs upset them, Stoner “embraced the rebalancing antidote of plainness.” By simply reframing their outlook, they were able to derive a sense of “beauty and purpose” instead of disappointment and hurt.