Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don't Manage You

“‘Emotion’ is an umbrella term that describes a loosely coordinated response that includes what we feel, think, and experience in our bodies in response to events we judge to be meaningful.”

This definition clarifies that emotions are multifaceted experiences involving cognitive, physical, and subjective components, not just feelings. Understanding this complexity helps one recognize that emotional regulation involves addressing all these components, not just trying to change how one feels.

“First, despite the cultural trope depicting emotions as the antithesis of rational thought, cognition—what we colloquially refer to as thinking—is actually a key building block of emotion. How we think about our circumstances shapes the emotions we experience; then those emotions reverberate back to influence how we think.”

This quote challenges the false dichotomy, common in Western philosophy, between emotions and rational thought, explaining their reciprocal relationship. It highlights how changing one’s thoughts about situations can transform one’s emotional experiences while also acknowledging how emotions subsequently influence one’s thinking.

“While thinking often gets pitted against emotions as if they were perpetually at war, feelings and emotions tend to be thought of as one and the same and used interchangeably […] Feelings are like the ‘fever’ of an emotional response, the conscious readout of what’s going on behind the scenes.”

This clarifies the important distinction between emotions (the full coordinated response) and feelings (the conscious experience of emotions). This distinction helps convey why simply trying to change feelings without addressing the underlying emotional processes is often ineffective.

“When the problems bothering you aren’t something you have a lot of control over (let’s say you break a leg), it helps to reframe the situation positively. But when the sources of your stress are within your control (let’s say your partner cheats on you again or you work in a toxic environment), looking for the silver lining is harmful and predicts greater levels of depression.”

This quote offers nuanced guidance about when positive reframing is helpful versus harmful. It exemplifies one of the work’s key takeaways, to Develop Emotional Flexibility Through Strategic Attention Management, by showing that regulation strategies must be matched to specific situations; positive reframing works for unchangeable circumstances but can prevent necessary action when change is possible.

“Emotions aren’t good or bad; they are just information. There is an essential place in our lives for anger, sadness, guilt, grief, and a host of other ‘negative’ emotions when they’re experienced in the right proportions.”

This quote directly connects to the key takeaway to embrace emotions as adaptive signals rather than obstacles. It reframes “negative” emotions as valuable sources of information rather than problems to eliminate while acknowledging that their intensity and duration should be proportional to the situation.

“The goal is not to run from negative emotions, or pursue only the feel-good ones, but to be able to shift: experience all of them, learn from all of them, and, when needed, move easily from one emotional state into another.”

This quote encapsulates the book’s central philosophy of emotional shifting rather than emotional suppression or elimination, which is related to the key takeaway regarding emotional flexibility. It affirms that healthy emotional regulation isn’t about avoiding negative emotions but moving between emotional states as needed, learning from each experience.

“I’d suggest identifying a few sensory shifters right now that you’d like to try using intentionally and give them a test drive. Petting a dog, hugging the warm body of someone you love (as long as it is mutually desired!), running your hand over a cedar branch to release the scent—these all have unique, individual effects on our nervous systems. So, do some experimenting and start collecting the ones that are your personal sensory prescription.”

This practical advice encourages readers to create a personalized toolkit of sensory experiences that help regulate emotions. It connects to the key takeaway to Strategically Engineer Your Environment to Support Emotional Regulation by highlighting how intentional engagement with sensory stimuli can create reliable pathways for emotional shifting.

“Think of your ability to express and suppress emotion as the equivalent of push-ups and pull-ups. Being able to switch back and forth between these exercises is a good measure of your strength and agility.”

This metaphor illustrates the key takeaway to develop emotional flexibility through strategic attention management. It reframes emotional regulation as a skill requiring balanced training in both expression and suppression, suggesting that well-being comes from the ability to use either approach depending on circumstances.

“Understanding whether to avoid or approach a given situation starts by self-assessing. Ask yourself: Is what I’m doing working? Is it making me feel better about the problem in front of me?”

This practical guidance offers a simple but pointed question for determining whether to confront emotions or redirect attention. It exemplifies the recommendation to develop emotional flexibility through strategic attention management by providing a clear decision tool that helps readers develop personalized guidelines based on effectiveness rather than rigid rules.

“If something doesn’t keep cropping up, there’s a good chance you’re not harboring some invisible wound that will fester and ruin your life decades down the road. Sometimes, because of the myth of universal approach, this can be hard for people to believe.”

Kross challenges the common belief that avoiding emotions always leads to future problems. The quote reinforces the key takeaway to develop emotional flexibility through strategic attention management by reassuring readers that if avoidance is working (the issue isn’t recurring), it may be a perfectly valid strategy rather than harmful suppression.

“Swimming with small children who are struggling in the water is a lot like being in the thick of negative emotions: We’re desperately seeking safety but often end up making things worse when we try to solve the problem by getting closer to it, rehashing it over and over. Pulling back the frame, gaining distance, allows us to engage with our problems without becoming consumed by them.”

Kross’s analogy illustrates why psychological distancing techniques work. It connects to the takeaway to Create Psychological Distance Using Perspective-Shifting Techniques by showing how getting too close to emotional problems can make them worse, while creating psychological distance allows for more effective engagement without emotional overload.

“But if you can’t engage with the past or the future, you can’t make good decisions based on past knowledge or plan for the coming years. Being in the now is great sometimes, but not all the time.”

This quote offers a counterbalance to popular mindfulness advice about staying present. It connects to the takeaway to create psychological distance using perspective-shifting techniques by highlighting the value of mental time travel as a regulation strategy, showing that sometimes looking backward or forward is essential for emotional well-being.

“Using mental time travel as a tool means being deliberate about bringing the concept of impermanence into awareness; when you think about how you’ll feel about a stressor some time down the road, you realize that what you’re going through, as bad as it may feel in the moment, will eventually pass, giving you the boost you need to deal with the present.”

This explains how mental time travel functions as a perspective-shifting technique. By projecting into the future, one creates psychological distance from current problems and activates awareness of impermanence, which provides emotional relief and renewed resources for addressing present challenges.

“The work of shifting, then, becomes part of the longer project of having a life that is, fundamentally, defined by meaning, even through the harsher experiences of a lifetime. These strategies for perspective shifting have the potential to have a cumulative effect on our lives.”

This quote elevates emotional regulation from a tactical skill to a life philosophy. It suggests that consistent application of perspective-shifting techniques doesn’t just solve immediate emotional problems but gradually transforms one’s relationship with difficult experiences, allowing one to find meaning even in hardship.

“There are losses in life that change us forever. Changing the filter doesn’t mean denying the pain we feel; what it means is making sense of it, as part of the longer story of our lives, and having some agency over how that story unfolds.”

Kross clarifies what perspective shifting is and isn’t: It’s not denial of pain but recontextualization within a larger narrative. He addresses potential misconceptions about emotional regulation techniques, emphasizing that the goal is meaning-making and agency rather than emotional suppression.

“Maybe these environmental tweaks seem like minor things—eliminating temptations like cold pizza or a glowing phone from your space. But they are not minor. They can be huge.”

This quote emphasizes the power of environmental modifications for emotional regulation. It connects to the key takeaway to strategically engineer your environment to support emotional regulation by countering the common belief that environmental changes are too superficial to affect deep emotional patterns.

“And it’s the cumulative effect of the spaces we are in most routinely that we want to become aware of. What is taxing you, draining you, tempting you, pulling you away from the things you want to do, the person you want to be? What in your environment is getting in the way of the goals you have for yourself?”

This set of reflective questions helps readers audit their environments for emotional impacts. Kross shows how to strategically engineer your environment to support emotional regulation by encouraging awareness of how physical spaces shape emotions and behaviors over time, particularly in relation to personal goals and values.

“Goal achievement is tightly intertwined with our emotional lives.”

Kross highlights the connection between emotional regulation and accomplishing objectives. He argues that managing emotions isn’t just about feeling better—it’s essential for effectively pursuing goals and living according to one’s values.

“There’s a pervasive myth that self-control is, by definition, an internal force (it’s often referred to as willpower).”

Kross challenges the common belief that self-control comes solely from internal discipline. This quote connects to the advice to strategically engineer your environment to support emotional regulation by suggesting that effective self-control often involves external strategies like environmental modification rather than sheer willpower.

“It’s easy to overlook the effects of emotional contagion because it happens so quickly, and largely through psychological forces outside our awareness. But it’s also because many of us think about our emotions as private experiences and overlook the fact that our minds are permeable.”

Kross explains why people often underestimate social influences on their emotions. This connects to the takeaway to Leverage Relationships as Emotional Regulation Resources by highlighting how emotions spread between people through unconscious processes, making people more vulnerable to others’ emotional states than they typically realize.

“There are two key ways other people can help us when we go to them for emotional support: They can satisfy our core need for empathy and validation, on the one hand, and they can help shift our perspective, on the other. We routinely balance this formula incorrectly, failing to strike a balance between these two critical elements when we try to either get help from others or provide it.”

This quote offers a practical framework for effective emotional support. It shows how to leverage relationships as emotional regulation resources by highlighting that support requires both empathic validation and perspective-shifting, suggesting that problems often arise when people overemphasize one element at the expense of the other.

“In the same way a start-up carefully vets its trusted advisers, we should think carefully about whom we are recruiting to help coregulate our emotions.”

This business metaphor provides practical guidance for leveraging relationships as emotional resources. It suggests that readers, rather than defaulting to whoever is available, should strategically select “emotional advisors” based on their ability to provide balanced support, directly applying the book’s advice to leverage relationships as emotional regulation resources.

“The goal is not to eradicate emotional pain in our lives or make every instance of conflict feel like rainbows and sunshine. The goal is to listen to our emotions and respond to them in a healthy way.”

Kross clarifies the realistic goal of emotional regulation. He reinforces the need to embrace emotions as adaptive signals rather than obstacles by emphasizing that success isn’t measured by the absence of negative emotions but by one’s ability to respond to them constructively.