Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don't Manage You

Kross advocates abandoning the “myth of universal approach” that suggests confronting difficult emotions is always superior to avoiding them (81). Research after 9/11 by psychologist George Bonanno found that the most resilient people weren’t those who exclusively confronted or avoided emotions but rather those who could do either depending on circumstances. Individuals can cultivate this flexibility by developing personal guidelines for when to engage versus when to redirect attention. For instance, someone facing a challenging work situation might ask themselves whether their emotions are helping them solve the problem or simply making it worse. If rumination isn’t productive, shifting focus to another activity can allow one’s “psychological immune system” to process the feelings in the background (82). However, Kross advises readers to monitor for warning signs that avoidance isn’t working: thoughts repeatedly returning despite attempts to ignore them, using substances to cope, or constantly seeking reassurance from others. The question “Is what I’m doing working ?” becomes a practical decision tool (87).

When emotional management requires confronting difficult feelings head-on, Kross recommends using distancing techniques to create psychological space without depleting mental resources. The “reframing paradox” explains why positive thinking often fails during times of intense emotion: Stress impairs the prefrontal cortex, which is the brain region involved in cognitive reframing. Instead of urging readers to “think positively,” Kross therefore suggests distanced self-talk—addressing oneself in the second or third person (“You can handle this, Jamie” rather than “I can handle this”). This simple linguistic shift activates the brain’s self-control mechanisms more efficiently. For ongoing challenges, it can be helpful to mentally project oneself into the future, asking, “How will I feel about this a year (or more) from now?” A student struggling with a particular course, for example, may be able to put their performance in perspective a semester or two later. This temporal distancing provides perspective without intensive cognitive effort. These techniques don’t erase profound losses but serve as temporary emotional refuges that help preserve cognitive capacity before reengaging with difficult realities.

Kross argues that changing locations or modifying one’s current space can transform one’s physical surroundings into emotional regulation tools. Readers can begin by identifying their personal “emotional oases”—places that provide restoration and perspective, such as a favorite park—and incorporating regular visits to these locations into their routine. If travel isn’t practical, designated spaces within the home can serve specific emotional purposes: a reading nook for relaxation, a workout area for stress release, or a creative corner for expression. Kross also recommends removing environmental triggers that consistently prompt unwanted emotions, such as keeping tempting foods out of sight or establishing technology-free zones to reduce digital stress. Simultaneously, individuals can add elements that cultivate positive emotions, like displaying meaningful photos or positioning a desk to maximize natural light, even in settings that might otherwise provoke stress, such as a workplace. This approach shifts emotional regulation from a purely internal struggle to a strategic management of external factors, making self-control less dependent on limited willpower resources.

Social connections can also be powerful emotional regulation tools once one understands the neuroscience of emotional contagion and support. Individuals can begin by auditing their social environments to identify which relationships consistently improve their emotional state and which deteriorate it. The next step is to intentionally increase exposure to emotionally supportive individuals, especially during challenging periods. Kross emphasizes that effective emotional support requires both empathic validation and perspective-shifting—not just one or the other. The best “emotional advisors” excel at this balanced approach rather than simply co-ruminate. For relationship conflicts, Kross advocates a support-then-shift sequence that involves acknowledging emotions before attempting to reframe situations. Additionally, readers can harness the documented happiness benefits of helping others by incorporating regular acts of service into their routines. While this could involve structured volunteer work, it can also consist of smaller, more spontaneous acts, like giving a loved one an unexpected gift; research shows that spending on others produces greater happiness than spending on oneself, an effect that holds across cultures and economic circumstances.