Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don't Manage You

Chapter 1 introduces readers to the fundamentals of emotion through the lens of Matt Maasdam, a Navy SEAL enduring the Navy’s grueling SERE (Survival, Evasion, Resistance, and Escape) training. Kross uses Matt’s story to illustrate how emotions function not as obstacles to overcome but as essential signals that guide human experience. The author argues that Matt’s ability to acknowledge and work with both negative emotions and positive ones—embracing the full spectrum of emotional experiences rather than suppressing them—enabled him both to succeed in his military career and develop meaningful personal relationships.

The chapter establishes that emotions are near-constant companions in human life, with research showing that people experience emotions more than 90% of the time, often in complex, overlapping combinations. Kross challenges the cultural bias toward toxic positivity, arguing that negative emotions serve adaptive purposes evolved over millennia. Through scientific evidence, the chapter demonstrates that emotions involve coordinated responses, including physiological reactions, cognitive appraisals, and outward behaviors—all working together to help individuals navigate meaningful situations.

This framing of emotions as adaptive tools rather than hindrances represents a significant departure from popular self-help approaches that exclusively emphasize positive thinking. Kross contextualizes this perspective within the broader historical evolution of emotion science, noting that despite disagreements among researchers about exact mechanisms, emotions serve crucial functions in human life. The chapter’s analysis of the 50-year Dunedin study—a comprehensive longitudinal research project that followed 1,037 New Zealanders from birth into adulthood with rigorous psychological and physiological assessments—provides compelling evidence for the transformative impact of emotional regulation on life outcomes, showing that those who manage emotions effectively experience better health, career success, and financial stability. Though the study’s limited population pool—restricted to residents of a single, largely Western, and relatively affluent country—necessitates some caution when extrapolating, it nevertheless positions emotional regulation as a crucial life skill rather than an innate talent. This contextualizes the book within a growing body of scientific literature, including works of popular psychology like Norman Doidge’s 2007 The Brain That Changes Itself, that support the brain’s “plasticity,” or the malleability of neurological capacities. 

Kross identifies two key indicators of emotional dysregulation: intensity (when emotions become overwhelming, resulting in disproportionate reactions to circumstances) and duration (when emotions linger longer than they should). Through these indicators, he establishes a practical framework for readers to assess their own emotional experiences while acknowledging the tendency to mischaracterize emotions as either entirely good or bad (whether all cultures categorize emotions in this way is not something the work directly addresses, although Kross does later touch on differences in managing specific emotions).

Chapter Lessons

• Emotions serve as adaptive guides to navigate life’s challenges; negative emotions like anxiety and sadness provide valuable information rather than simply being unwanted experiences to eliminate.
• Emotional regulation skills significantly impact life outcomes across health, career, and relationships—potentially more than socioeconomic status or intelligence does—as demonstrated by the 50-year Dunedin study.
• Emotions operate as coordinated responses involving physiological reactions, cognitive appraisals, and outward behaviors that work together to help manage meaningful situations.
• The intensity and duration of emotional responses serve as “check-engine lights” indicating when emotions have become maladaptive rather than functional (21).

Reflection Questions

• When have you experienced the positive power of a traditionally “negative” emotion like fear, anger, or sadness? How did that emotion provide useful information or motivation?
• Consider a recent emotional reaction that felt disproportionate in either intensity or duration. What factors might have contributed to this response?