Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don't Manage You

Chapter 7 examines how relationships influence emotional states through what Kross terms “relationship shifters.” Kross explains that emotions rapidly spread between individuals through unconscious mimicry, affecting nervous systems and behaviors in ways that extend from immediate interactions to broader social movements, particularly in digital spaces.

The author also discusses emotional support, challenging the common belief that simply venting emotions provides adequate relief. Research shows that while self-disclosure activates reward pathways in the brain, extended venting without perspective change can worsen emotional states. Effective emotional support, Kross argues, requires balancing empathic validation with perspective-shifting—listening with understanding before helping to reframe the situation. He suggests identifying appropriate “emotional advisors” in one’s life who can provide both elements of support, as not everyone possesses this balanced capability.

The chapter reconsiders the conventional wisdom that social comparisons are inherently harmful. Kross argues that comparisons are a natural part of human psychology and can be strategically utilized for emotional benefit. Comparing oneself to those who are thriving can provide motivation when framed constructively (“If they can achieve that, so can I”), while comparison to those facing greater challenges can foster gratitude and perspective (157). This nuanced view acknowledges the neurological basis for social comparison while offering practical guidance for leveraging these natural tendencies. Like much of Kross’s broader discussion, it borrows from evolutionary psychology but diverges from many works on this topic (such as Michael Easter’s Scarcity Brain) by framing instinctive responses not as a problem to be overcome but rather as a resource to be harnessed—a move in keeping with Kross’s overall approach to “negative” emotions.

Finally, Kross explores how caring for others generates emotional benefits. Studies demonstrate that spending money on others produces greater happiness than spending on oneself—an effect that holds across diverse cultures, economic circumstances, and even during crises like the COVID-19 pandemic. This phenomenon connects to evolutionary tendencies toward mutualism and social bonding.

Chapter Lessons

• Emotions are contagious and spread rapidly through unconscious mimicry, affecting groups and communities both in-person and through digital channels; individuals should therefore be attentive to the emotional environments they inhabit.
• Effective emotional support requires balancing empathic validation with perspective-shifting, suggesting people should identify reliable “emotional advisors” who can provide both elements rather than just co-ruminating.
• Social comparisons can be constructively harnessed by mindfully directing attention toward comparisons that generate motivation or gratitude rather than envy or insecurity.
• Helping others produces measurable increases in personal happiness across diverse contexts, making altruistic behaviors a reliable method for improving one’s own emotional state.

Reflection Questions

• Looking at your current support network, who among your friends, family, or colleagues effectively balances empathic listening with perspective-shifting? How might you cultivate more of these balanced relationships or improve your own ability to provide this type of support?
• Consider a recent situation where you felt negative emotions after comparing yourself to someone else. How might you reframe that comparison using the strategies from this chapter to generate motivation or gratitude instead?