Sister Wife: A Memoir of Faith, Family, and Finding Freedom

“Some polygamist Mormons thought that was all a bit too convenient: The United States makes polygamy illegal. Utah wants to become a state. The prophet receives a revelation that polygamy is wrong. So, many Mormons continued the practice in secret because they had been taught, until that point, that God wanted them to be polygamists and that they couldn’t earn their true place in heaven without the practice.”

In the opening chapters of Part 1, Woolley provides background information on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS) and the practice of polygamy. She uses accessible language to offer these details in a way that her audience might understand, and she also offers insight into the legality of polygamous relationships, explaining how United States legislation has intersected with the church’s regard for the practice. These details provide a succinct but thorough introduction to Woolley’s potentially unfamiliar world.

“I didn’t trust her, and I didn’t like her, this woman who had taught me to love everyone and who had ensured my childhood had been safe and fun. I moved back in with my dad, and I tried to figure myself out. I rebelled by becoming more religious. My other mom, Aunt Susan, is more proper, and I emulated that.”

In the memoir’s early chapters, Woolley adopts a more youthful point of view to convey her younger self’s frustration with her mom immediately after Annie left the LDS church. Woolley uses plain language and an assertive voice, which captures her emotional state at the time of Annie’s perceived betrayal. The moment also clarifies how tightly Woolley clung to her religious beliefs as a young person; even her mother’s rejection of the church could not alter Woolley’s personal faith.

“We did pictures after the ceremony. How do you pose one man with three women? And of course, I wanted pictures of my new husband and me, but would that be offensive? Would Meri and Janelle be angry? I didn’t know them well enough to know, and I didn’t know anything well enough to ask. We did do the traditional photos, but I felt uncomfortable—not flirty. Not beautiful. Certainly not sexy. I didn’t feel like a bride.”

Woolley poses these implicit questions about her polygamous marriage at the time of her wedding, injecting an interrogative, searching tone into the narrative. At the time, Woolley wanted to behave appropriately amidst her new circumstances and was careful to respect every individual involved in her new spiritual relationship. Despite her pure-hearted intentions, Woolley “felt uncomfortable” and unsure of herself, and her insecurity on her wedding day foreshadows her fraught interpersonal dynamics throughout the years to come.

“I missed the fun-loving friend I’d spent so much time with before we married, and his seriousness shocked me. I started to notice a major personality change. For the first few years of hanging out with him, I believed he was an independent thinker. After we got married, I was stunned to see how much he relied on other people’s opinions.”

Woolley’s reflections on her shifting regard for Kody Brown further the memoir’s focus on the Costs of Unequal Intimacy. The changes Woolley observed in Kody’s behavior after their wedding were evidence of his disengagement with her feelings and needs. Kody’s altered demeanor also foreshadowed the fact that he would pull away from Woolley over the course of their marriage, despite all of the effort she would invest in their relationship.

“It wasn’t ideal, because of my work situation—I worked at the museum, spent one evening a week at Walmart, and had a paper route—but it helped me find my place in the family. I felt like, as women, we started to figure out how we could live togetherish, but also help each other.”

In this passage, Woolley reflects on feeling strong and included when she was working, and these thoughts contribute to the memoir’s examination of the dynamics involved in Redefining Selfhood Outside of Institutional Belonging. Woolley felt the strongest when she was making money and contributing to her family. In the years to come, she would learn to apply these self-motivated skills to her own development, discovery, and empowerment.

“Everything we thought we understood about ourselves would be placed under a brilliant white bulb and dissected like a frog in a sixth-grade science class. At times, the social media posts (must not read the comments…) would also feel like middle school. We were so excited.”

Woolley’s remarks on the start of Sister Wives introduce the memoir’s theme of the Influence of Televised Narratives on the Truth. Woolley understood that she and her family would be sharing their story and intimate relationships with the nation, but she took an optimistic stance on this new endeavor. Her naïve optimism would ultimately veil the challenges of living her life on camera.

“But it was more than that. As we began to film, went on our first media tours, and got to know people from the outside world, I realized my values didn’t match with the people I knew from church. Isn’t that funny? After so much time spent angry at my mom for leaving the church, the values that felt most true to me were the ones she taught me: Nobody’s better than anyone else. Love everybody.”

Woolley’s experience on Sister Wives challenged her faith. Her reflections on this phenomenon further the book’s focus on the Influence of Televised Narratives on the Truth. While Woolley initially believed that Sister Wives would offer the ideal opportunity to educate the public on her religion and their practices, the show ultimately granted her a new perspective on her own beliefs. The more time she spent on camera, the better she could perceive the inequalities and dangers of the ideology that she had upheld for so long.

“He compared her to a Diesel jeans model. I mean, c’mon. How am I going to compete with that? It was just another giddy note of his infatuation. While they surfed, I dreaded the moment he would come home and return to my bedroom, now on every fourth night rather than every third. I didn’t feel wanted.”

Woolley openly describes her frustrations with Kody and Robyn’s marriage, affecting an honest, conversational mood, almost as if she is simultaneously confiding in and complaining to her readers. Woolley uses colloquialisms, questions, and familiar language to appeal to her audience and to share her insecurities, and these aspects of her writing style are designed to create an authentic, confessional tone.

“They believe polygamy is a secret, special lifestyle that should be kept private. Even the phrase ‘sister wife’ is considered private and important, so it angered them that we called the show Sister Wives. How do you argue back? We were raised in so much secrecy that it’s hard to know what is because of sacred teachings and what is because of fear.”

In this passage, Woolley develops the Influence of Televised Narratives on the Truth from an alternate perspective. Here, she is describing the ecclesiastical complications of publicizing her beliefs to the nation on Sister Wives. Woolley faced legal and personal challenges as a result of filming, but she also had to confront backlash from her church. These dynamics upset her regard for her faith, religion, and community.

“Their feelings about it all came in waves: One kid might be shy one season and outgoing the next. Another might feel bitter about spending their life on TV. They could choose how much they wanted to participate, but their family still showed up in homes across America once a week or for a weekend of binge-watching.”

Woolley’s reflections on her children’s responses to Sister Wives further develop the Influence of Televised Narratives on the Truth. Woolley incorporates this aspect of the experience into her memoir to underscore the far-reaching effects that participation in the reality series had on her family. The passage underscores Woolley’s deep investment in her children’s well-being, as well as her attunement to their responses to filming. While she may have benefited from the project, her memoir also makes it clear that Sister Wives did present social and emotional challenges for her kids.

“I was caught in this bizarre love pentagon/Catch 22: I wanted a better relationship with Kody. Kody was angry with me for not having a better relationship with my sister wives. I wanted to improve my relationship with Robyn, but Kody was always at her house. Meri and Janelle didn’t believe me that Kody still spent the majority of his time with Robyn.”

Woolley’s meditations on her marital conflicts reiterate the Costs of Unequal Intimacy. Woolley “wanted a better relationship” with her husband and sister wives alike, but she felt powerless amidst these convoluted dynamics. The almost frantic frustration in her tone conveys the degree to which she began to feel trapped in the situation. Because she always felt caught between the other couples, Woolley was unable to advocate for herself or foster the higher-quality connections that she had hoped to create. The elliptical construction of this passage also echoes the elliptical nature of her polygamous marriage.

“I felt like I could breathe for the first time in years—without walking on eggshells in my own living room. I loved it. If the kids hadn’t been there, I would have danced, Tom Cruise-style, through the house in an oxford shirt and long Mormon underwear.”

Woolley incorporates humor and accessible cultural allusions to describe her relief at the opportunity to live in her own home, apart from the dysfunctional dynamics that always ensued in the presence of Kody and her sister wives. Her references to dancing and Tom Cruise are designed to humanize her, and she deliberately combines these allusions with references to her Mormon underwear, creating a humorous mood.

“Like every family, we had wonderful days and bad ones that melded together into years. There were times when Kody and I got along, and we were fine. We didn’t have a true intimacy piece to the relationship, even if he still visited my bedroom, and that’s undoubtedly why I never felt secure in our relationship. I loved him, but I didn’t know what deep love felt like.”

Woolley exhibits negative capability in this passage as she describes the benefits and drawbacks of her home life. She admits that she had good and bad days and that even when she and Kody were struggling, they also had moments of connection. By conveying the ups and downs of her experience, she presents a more holistic depiction of living polygamy.

“My trainer was lovely, and she would hike with me or plan a workout in my backyard. She helped me understand that when you make a decision to take care of yourself, it empowers you. You have the ability to make your own life better, but to do that, you have to like yourself enough to believe it’s important.”

Woolley’s work to get into physical shape contributes to her focus on Redefining Selfhood Outside of Institutional Belonging. For years, Woolley defined her self-worth according to the dictates of her family and church. By this juncture of her life, however, she has discovered a new sense of pride by engaging in deliberate self-care. Implementing such routines has helped her to believe in and to value herself—core beliefs and skills that were not derived from her faith.

“I think they’re a form of control specifically aimed at women. I believe that if you don’t like how you look, then you’re being controlled. The cut of the garments forced us to wear long, frumpy clothes that were never in fashion, and when I look at my photos over the years, I was a frumpy girl.”

The so-called “polygamy pajamas” are a symbol of repression. When Woolley was devoted to her faith, she believed that the garments were sexy and symbolic of womanhood. As her beliefs evolved, however, she came to see them as “a form of control.” This passage conveys Woolley’s evolution of thought. Although she was reluctant to abandon her LDS community, Woolley’s evolved perspective on the garments conveys the courageous interrogation of her once-accepted religious principles.

“My tub was enormous and had jets. My kids cleaned my bathroom so it was spotless, ran the water to the perfect temperature, tossed in a bath bomb, and added some candles. Of course, they found me a brand-new trashy Scottish romance novel. The best part? Aspyn took the kids out for hours. I read the entire book.”

Woolley invokes descriptions of an intimate scene of her self-care routine in order to further the theme of Redefining Selfhood Outside of Institutional Belonging. Woolley lost her church community when she left the faith, but she did not lose her relationships with her children or her relationship with herself. The image of her taking a bath while reading a romance novel conveys a vivid sense of her determination to be kind to herself and attend to her own needs: a fairly new practice in the wake of her self-sacrificing plural marriage.

“I’m going to create worlds with Kody, Robyn, Meri, and Janelle, I thought. For eternity. I felt as if my heart flip-flopped like a spastic, angry little fish. I don’t want to create worlds with these people, I thought. I don’t want to be doing this for eternity. For all eternity, my opinion and needs wouldn’t matter. I couldn’t make it fit.”

Woolley embeds her internal monologue within her overarching narrative account to create a sense of her intimate thought processes. The italicized lines represent Woolley’s private thoughts and depict the moment when she realized that she was no longer committed to her polygamous arrangement. The metaphor of the “spastic, angry little fish” also conveys an insecure mood, which mirrors Woolley’s precarious status in her marriage.

“It could have been another gut punch. Is this really who I am? Someone who makes unfair demands and throws emotional temper tantrums? But by then, I knew exactly how hard I had tried. Even better, I knew exactly who I was. My whole life I had been the fun one, the one who provided the levity to keep our pre-Robyn triumvirate together.”

Woolley combines a reflective outlook with an assertive tone in this passage to capture her deep-thinking nature. She wanted to understand how her relationships had influenced her identity, but she had also learned to advocate for her feelings and needs amidst these same interpersonal dynamics. The lines “I knew exactly how hard I had tried” and “I knew exactly who I was” are self-confident declarations that convey how much Woolley had grown over the years.

“But I had built up strength and independence over the years. And no one would ever understand better than Janelle exactly what I was going through. I never would have predicted that having a sister wife would be a gift when it was time to go.”

Woolley’s reflections on her and Janelle’s relationship affect an intimate, emotional mood. Woolley is claiming the work that she did on her own to become independent, even as she attributes her newfound strength to her connection with Janelle. The moment underscores the importance that the sister wife relationship has to Woolley, despite the challenges that she faced throughout her polygamous marriage.

“I just divorced Kody Brown and… I’m going to Disneyland! Janelle and I decided we needed to do something to cement our relationship. We knew I was moving and everything was going to change—though we couldn’t know how much—and we both needed something fun.”

Woolley and Janelle’s trip to Disneyland represents youthful freedom, excitement, and hope. In this context, Disneyland becomes a symbol of magic and fairy tales, which affects an innocent mood in this passage. Woolley was indeed leaning into her youthful energy in light of her recent split from Kody. Sharing this experience with Janelle made the trip much more meaningful.

“After I decided to leave Kody, I sometimes felt like I was on the sidelines of a game or watching a movie in a theater. I cared about the people I was watching, but the dramas that had felt so important before suddenly felt less so—except in the case of brokenhearted kids.”

Woolley uses a metaphor to convey her emotional growth in the wake of leaving Kody. She compares her experience to “watching a game or movie,” which implies that while she remained privy to Kody and the family’s ongoing dramas, she was no longer affected by these former sources of emotional turmoil. She found more peace of mind now that she wasn’t caught up in these conflicts.

“I told him all my stuff. All of my horrible, rotten stuff. And then I got up to leave. Go on and… He kissed me. He knocked my flippers straight out of the water. Besotted. Enchanted. Twitterpated. He called me as I drove home, and he said exactly the perfect right things. I lost my brain completely.”

Woolley describes her first kiss with David using metaphors, fragmentation, and cultural references. These stylistic choices affect a magical and emotional mood. Woolley was so overcome by excitement when David first kissed her because this was the first time she experienced passion in an intimate relationship. Her strategic use of one-word sentences expresses the emotional surprise that she felt in this moment.

“With David, I can model what a good marriage can look like, and that’s a serious level-up on my mom skills. I hope that my kids see that a true partnership doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice, and that it doesn’t mean there’s give-and-take. You both give. At times, one of you gives more than the other, but it always balances out.”

Woolley reflects on her relationship with David, which furthers her examination of the Costs of Unequal Intimacy. While her marriage to Kody was defined by inequality, her relationship with David has always been founded upon reciprocity. This sustainable connection has offered her the chance to see herself differently and to model a healthier form of intimacy to her children.