Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

“That special connection […] always entails three elements: mutual attention, shared positive feeling, and a well-coordinated nonverbal duet. As these three arise in tandem, we catalyze rapport.”

Goleman defines the concept of rapport, or warm, friendly attunement and positive feeling between two people. The three elements that “catalyze” rapport also function as essential parts of social cognition, but Goleman recognizes rapport as a unique type of interaction, almost ideal in its promotion of empathy and altruism.

“Unlike other parts of the brain that are specialized for a particular job, this executive center takes a bit more time to do its jobs. But like some all-purpose brain-booster, the prefrontal area is spectacularly flexible, able to engage in a greater range of tasks than any other neural structure.”

This quote defines the aspects of the “high road,” or the neural circuitry governed by the prefrontal cortex, that distinguish it from the “low road.” The slower yet much more specialized and adaptable “high road” circuitry is a vital factor in human social cognition.

“Small wonder that we have a hardwired system that is alert to the threat of abandonment, separation, or rejection: these were once actual threats to life itself, though they are only symbolically so today. Still, when we hope to be a You, being treated as an It, as though we do not matter, carries a particularly harsh sting.”

This quote refers to the amygdala and related “low road” circuitry and their specific role in social intelligence. This quote points out the benefits of “low road” social cognition in its ability to detect threats to survival like abandonment and rejection.

“If projection makes the other an It, empathy sees the other as a You. Empathy creates a feedback loop, as we work toward a fit between our perception and the other person’s reality.”

This quote describes the fundamental difference in relating to someone else as an “it” as opposed to a “you.” The presence of empathy requires social attunement, attention, and adjusting to accommodate the other, whereas relating to another human as an “it” requires only surface-level knowledge of social cognition.

“Empathy is the prime inhibitor of human cruelty: withholding our natural inclination to feel with another allows us to treat the other as an It.”

This quote introduces the concept of social pathology. Up until this point in Social Intelligence, Goleman has focused on the more positive, empathic, and altruistic aspects of social intelligence. Now, the narrative turns to the ways people can use social intelligence as a tool for manipulation.

“For psychopaths, other people are always an It, a mark to be duped, used, and discarded.”

This quote describes the basic pathology of psychopaths. According to Goleman, they are fundamentally incapable of seeing other humans as equally valuable to themselves, so they are incapable of engaging in a true I/you positive relationship.

“Remorse […] is the key distinction between the Dark Triad and others who commit reprehensible acts. Remorse and shame–and their close cousins, embarrassment, guilt, and pride–are ‘social’ or ‘moral’ emotions.”

This quote spells out the fundamental difference between neurotypical people and people who inhabit the more extreme depths of the dark triad. Neurotypical people are unconsciously governed by “social” emotion that inhibits their behavior. People who have dark triad traits have no such inhibitions.

“Even a psychopath may excel at social cognition: that purely intellectual grasp of people’s reactions and social proprieties may guide a psychopath in setting up victims.”

This quote points out the difference between knowing how to engage correctly in one’s social setting and actually empathically attuning to other people and catalyzing genuine rapport with them. The psychopath can behave absolutely correctly but cannot actually feel the empathy that neurotypical people feel and cannot understand it.

“Mindsight amounts to peering into the mind of a person to sense their feelings and deduce their thoughts–the fundamental ability of empathic accuracy.”

This quote succinctly defines “mindsight” as a concept. The image of “peering” into another person’s mind encapsulates the experience of empathy.

“Such insights put to rest the century-old debate on nature vs. nurture: do our genes or our experiences determine who we become? The debate turns out to be pointless, based on the fallacy that our genes and our environment are independent of each other.”

A key piece of Goleman’s argument is that no clean distinction can be made between nature and nurture. Through social epigenetics, nurture is nature, and vice versa.

“Once formed, the child’s sense of self-worth shapes her behavior quite apart from the hapless ministrations of parents, the pressures of peers, or any genetic given.”

This quote highlights the unexpected conclusion of the sibling study: that more than any other factor, a child’s self-perception shapes their behavior. Their caregivers and companions can shape their self-perception, but the degree of autonomy that a child has over their own identity is made clear in this quote.

“Neuroscientists use the term ‘neural scaffolding’ to describe how once a brain circuit has been laid out, its connections become strengthened with repeated use–like a scaffold being erected at a building site. Neural scaffolding explains why a behavioral pattern, once it is established, requires effort to change. But with new opportunities—or perhaps just with effort and awareness—we can lay down and strengthen new track.”

This quote emphasizes the power of our neural circuitry in shaping our behavior. It also points out the inherent plasticity of our brains.

“Our interactions play a role in reshaping our brain, through neuroplasticity […] in effect, being chronically hurt and angered, or emotionally nourished, by someone we spend time with daily over the course of years, can refashion the circuitry of our brain.”

This quote is an accurate summary of the power of social epigenetics, for good or ill. The way a human is treated has objective, measurable effects on neurobiology.

“A child’s play both demands and creates its own safe space, one in which she can confront threats, fears, and dangers—but always come through whole. In this sense, play can be therapeutic.”

This explanation of the power of play shows the importance of having a “secure base” but also underlines the discovery of the sibling study once again: that a child defines their own self-conception not only through social interaction but also through imaginative play.

“Happiness thrives with resilience, the ability to overcome upsets and return to a calmer, happier state. There seems to be a direct link between stress resilience and that capacity for happiness.”

This quote explains Goleman’s theory of resilience and the ability to repair broken empathy loops as a reliable predictor of happiness. It points out that happiness is not determined by eliminating all negative influence—in fact, doing so might sabotage a child’s ability to build resilience and therefore happiness.

“The social brain learns well by imitating models—like a parent who calmly watches what otherwise seems so menacing. When my granddaughter would get to a particularly frightening moment in the movie, and hear from her mommy the comforting words ‘It will be ok’ […] she felt secure and in control of her feelings.”

This quote offers examples from childhood of a process that continues to define human social interaction in adulthood, as we model our emotional responses on those of the people around us.

“Culture and gender aside, perhaps the most fundamental dilemma for romantic love stems from the essential tensions between the brain systems that underlie a secure sense of attachment and those that underlie caring and sex.”

Different aspects of romantic love are centered in different parts of the brain, and the interplay of these different systems can create tension. A person can genuinely care for and be attracted to someone and yet have a maladaptive attachment style that sabotages their relationship.

“Caregiving flows most fully when we are feeling secure, possessed of a stable foundation that allows us to feel empathy without being overwhelmed. Feeling cared for frees us to care for others.”

Existing in a secure, caring relationship often heightens empathy by giving it a secure base from which to operate. Caregiving can be an aspect of a romantic partnership, but it can also be given to anyone in need of care, like an infant, a parent, or even a stranger.

“Something rather remarkable tends to happen with couples who live together for decades, finding happiness with each other. Their continual rapport seems to leave its mark on their faces, which come to resemble each other, apparently a result of the sculpting of facial muscles, as partners smile or frown in unison.”

This quote emphasizes the biological effects of long-term happy rapport. This kind of change to resemble one another could even be seen as a form of social epigenetics.

“Collective social intelligence can offer an alternative to the overwhelming toll of caregiving.”

This quote points out the inherent advantages of having a robust social network to handle illness, injury, or distress. Though a partner or family member can take on the role of caregiver solo, a network of people creates a much more sustainable support network.

“Our knowledge of the role of emotions in health suggests that ignoring patients as people, even in the interest of some vaunted efficiency, causes us to forfeit a potential biological ally: feeling human concern.”

This quote emphasizes the fundamental disconnect Goleman sees in our current medical system, in which profit is valued over empathy, rapport, or attunement. He argues that creating opportunities for positive human interaction between medical professionals would benefit the patient immeasurably.

“When the mind runs with such internal harmony, ease, efficiency, rapidity, and power are at a maximum. We experience such moments with a quiet thrill.”

This quote captures the joy of finding the “sweet spot” of achievement between boredom and anxiety. This mental state can be reached in educational and business scenarios, but the emotional experience remains the same.

“The neural lessons learned from being trapped in an I/It universe are surely the worst. Survival there demands an amygdala that is set for paranoid hypervigilance, plus a protective emotional distance or outright distrust and a readiness to fight.”

This quote points out the cruelty of placing young people with developing brains into a harsh penal facility full of other criminals. A young offender, who very often has already suffered abuse, has virtually no chance of true rehabilitation without positive experiences to reshape their brain for the better.