Staring at the Sun: Overcoming the Terror of Death

In this chapter, Yalom explores how death anxiety manifests differently across individuals, distinguishing between obvious and hidden forms of this fundamental human fear. Death anxiety often serves as the underlying source of various psychological symptoms, even when it appears unrelated to concerns about mortality.

Every person experiences death anxiety in their own unique way. For some individuals, awareness of mortality functions as constant background noise, making even mundane experiences feel poignant because they recognize these moments will never return. Others experience more intense episodes, particularly during vulnerable nighttime hours when they become overwhelmed by thoughts of their own inevitable demise and that of everyone around them. Some people develop specific death-related fantasies involving particular scenarios such as violence, accidents, or burial imagery.

The author connects sleep and death as related experiences, noting how losing consciousness each night provides a preview of mortality. He references Milan Kundera’s insight that forgetting also offers a taste of death, since what terrifies people most about dying is not losing the future but losing access to their past experiences and memories.

Yalom presents several examples of individuals experiencing “overt” death anxiety. He shares an email from a 32-year-old woman who described a profound shift in her understanding of mortality—moving from viewing death as something that might happen to recognizing it as inevitable. This realization led her to question the meaning of life since everything ultimately ends in oblivion. She expressed particular distress about her inability to find comfort in the concepts of an immortal soul or afterlife.

Another case involves a patient who wrote a poem expressing how death anxiety consumed her daily existence. Despite her terror, she found some comfort in the possibility of leaving meaningful traces of her life and focusing on the present moment.

Yalom provides an extensive case study of Jennifer, a 29-year-old woman who suffered from lifelong nighttime panic attacks centered on death anxiety. Previous therapists had dismissed her literal fear of annihilation, instead interpreting her recurring childhood dream about being forced to drink milk from squeezed earthworms as imagery that indicated childhood sexual abuse. Yalom took a different approach, accepting her death anxiety at face value rather than assuming it represented something else. Through therapy, Jennifer recalled a childhood song about death and decay that her sisters used to torment her with, revealing that her earthworm dream actually related to her fear of death and the danger she experienced in her childhood home with an unpredictable, verbally abusive father. This insight about maintaining childhood views of death alongside adult rationality opened up new therapeutic possibilities for her.

Death anxiety often appears in “covert” forms, particularly through nightmares that involve life-threatening situations. For example, a middle-aged man’s dream about dying from stomach cancer while his family continued their vacation revealed his hypochondriacal concerns about gastric problems. This introduces the concept that “anxiety about nothing is really anxiety about death,” suggesting that seemingly disproportionate fears about specific events often mask underlying death anxiety (22).

The most detailed example in this chapter involves Susan, a successful accountant who experienced extreme distress over her adult son’s drug relapse and jail sentence. Her reaction seemed excessive given that addiction relapses are common and that her son was receiving appropriate treatment. Susan had recently turned 60 and had undergone cosmetic surgery, suggesting her anxiety stemmed from aging concerns rather than solely her son’s situation. Through therapy, Susan recognized that she had been using her son as an “immortality project”—attempting to extend herself into the future through his success (25). When Yalom helped her understand that much of her anxiety related to her own mortality awareness triggered by her milestone birthday, her excessive worry about her son diminished significantly. The therapy led to major life changes for Susan, who realized she had accumulated regret about her career choices. She and her husband ultimately pursued their dream of purchasing a bed-and-breakfast inn in Napa Valley.

Yalom criticizes the psychoanalytic tradition, tracing back to Freud, that interprets death anxiety as representing other unconscious conflicts rather than accepting it as a legitimate concern in itself. Therapists often miss opportunities to help patients by not addressing death fears directly.

Chapter 3 explores the concept of “awakening experiences”—profound encounters with mortality that can transform how individuals live their lives. Drawing from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, Yalom argues that Ebenezer Scrooge’s dramatic personality change resulted not from his conscience or the holiday spirit, but from existential shock therapy delivered by the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. When Scrooge witnessed his own neglected corpse and community’s dismissive reaction to his death, he underwent a fundamental transformation that shifted him from selfishness to generosity.

Such confrontations with death have appeared throughout literature and philosophy, such as Tolstoy’s War and Peace, in which Pierre faces execution by firing squad and emerges transformed with renewed purpose. Historical figures, including Stoic philosophers like Marcus Aurelius and Cicero, understood the connection between confronting mortality and living meaningfully. Medieval monks kept skulls in their cells as daily reminders of death’s lessons while Montaigne suggested that writers position their studios to overlook a cemetery.

The chapter introduces Martin Heidegger’s philosophical distinction between two modes of existence: everyday and ontological. In everyday mode, people become absorbed in surface concerns like appearance, possessions, and status. The ontological mode focuses on the miracle of existence itself—marveling not at how things are, but that they exist at all. This deeper awareness of mortality and life’s fundamental characteristics creates anxiety but also primes individuals for significant personal change.

Yalom supports his thesis through extensive clinical experience with cancer patients over a 10-year period. Rather than succumbing to despair, many patients experienced positive transformation when confronted with terminal diagnoses. They reorganized their life priorities, gained the courage to refuse unwanted obligations, deepened their relationships with loved ones, and developed a greater appreciation for simple pleasures.

The chapter examines Leo Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilyich, in which the protagonist realizes during his final illness that he has lived badly because he shielded himself from the awareness of death. Ivan Ilyich discovers that avoiding death consciousness meant avoiding authentic living. Through accepting his mortality, he develops genuine compassion for others and dies peacefully rather than in anguish.

Yalom identifies several common catalysts for awakening experiences in ordinary life. Major life transitions—including the death of loved ones, life-threatening illness, relationship breakups, significant birthdays, career changes, retirement, children leaving home, and meaningful dreams—can serve as reminders of mortality that shift individuals from everyday to ontological awareness.

The chapter illustrates these concepts through detailed case studies from his therapeutic practice. Alice, an elderly widow, initially experienced terror about potential intruders after her husband’s death, but a dream revealed that death itself was the true “intruder.” Her subsequent move to a retirement home, which required her to dispose of most of her possessions, forced her to recognize life’s transience. However, this awakening also brought liberation and the fulfillment of long-held desires for independence.

Julia, a British therapist, developed severe health anxieties and risk avoidance following a friend’s death. Therapy revealed that her fear centered on her abandoned artistic gifts, which she sacrificed in order to compete financially with her husband. Her case demonstrates how death anxiety often manifests through seemingly unrelated symptoms and how confronting mortality can illuminate unfulfilled potential.

James, whose older brother died in adolescence, spent decades avoiding grief through paranormal beliefs and alcohol abuse. A powerful dream about viewing his brother’s body at a funeral finally allowed him to process long-suppressed pain and make significant life changes, including sobriety and a meaningful career transition.

The chapter also addresses how major decisions can serve as awakening experiences. Pat, a divorced stockbroker, experienced severe anxiety about introducing a new romantic partner at social events. Through guided fantasy work, she recognized that commitment represented the closing off of other possibilities—a confrontation with life’s limitations that connected to a fundamental fear of death.

Chapter 3 concludes by examining how various life milestones—school reunions, estate planning, significant birthdays, and even ending therapy—can function as awakening experiences. Such experiences, while potentially powerful catalysts for positive change, can be ephemeral without proper integration. Recognizing and harnessing these moments—whether through personal reflection or therapeutic support—can transform death anxiety from paralyzing fear into motivation for authentic, meaningful living.