Lucy’s first introduction to her sexuality is her obsession with Susannah’s spit. She watches Susannah eat a burger, and she thinks about Susannah’s mouth for months afterward. Watching Susannah eat a lollipop, Lucy thinks, “Seeing that I didn’t take any sweet, she sucks her spit off the lollipop and, unaware of how her saliva has flooded my thoughts since July, she offers it to me” (41). This obsession with Susannah’s mouth and spit is representative of Lucy’s sexual attraction to Susannah. The spit is a sexual marker that Lucy does not fully understand, and it is linked to the desire to kiss and be intimate with Susannah. Later on, Susannah admits a similar obsession, saying, “I saw a strand of spit going from your teeth to your lips, and it was like a perfect gossamer cobweb, and I wanted to be caught in it” (174). This mutual attraction is symbolized in their comfort and desire to be in and around each other’s spit.

Throughout the novel, further mentions of spit include Susannah’s spit on Halloween, which Lucy says tastes like apples; Lucy thinking about Susannah’s spit in her mouth; and Lucy saying that she’s “high” on Susannah’s spit. However, there are also mentions of fearing that someone will spit in Lucy’s face and the notorious example of Eimear spitting in the food their teacher is about to eat. The mix of disgust and arousal surrounding spit adds an element of the forbidden to Lucy’s attraction. Much as Crossmore views her sexuality as deviant, spit symbolizes the raw, real nature of her attraction, regardless of what might repulse others.

The most concrete example of this symbol in the negative is when Lucy thinks about her own spit in Martin’s mouth. She says, “He has lived for so long on gasps of my passing perfume, he will last another while on the spit I’ve left in his mouth” (164). Lucy uses her spit to assuage Martin’s desire for her without returning that desire for him. Lucy does not want Martin’s spit, but she sees how she can use her own to make him think she likes him.

A motif in the text is Lucy questioning her own motives, traits, and desires. She often asks if she is “dirty” or “filthy” for fantasizing about Susannah, while also wondering if she is just a “coward” or a “sinner.” These questions are a trope of the interior-monologue writing style, which is intended to mimic the way people think. Most people question themselves as a form of introspection, not necessarily because they think they can answer their questions but as a way of considering how others might view them. The purpose of the questions that Lucy asks is to show the reader how she considers different perspectives of herself. At the same time, these questions reflect Lucy’s desire to fit in and assimilate to the social environment of Crossmore. When she asks if she is “dirty,” she means to ask whether other people in town would consider her dirty if they knew her thoughts.

For example, When Lucy thinks about Susannah in bed, she notes how parts of Susannah, like skin cells, will be left behind when she gets up. Lucy wants to leave some of herself in bed with Susannah, asking, “Is that dirty? Is that fair of me?” (87). These questions reveal the double meaning of Lucy’s fantasy, in which she both means the literal skin cells she could leave in the bed, which would be a way of becoming physically closer to Susannah, and the intangible sense of leaving a piece of oneself. She wants to keep part of her mind in Susannah’s bed, alongside Susannah, so that they can be emotionally closer. When Lucy asks if this is “dirty,” she means both the literal skin cells, which are like dirt and should be cleaned, and the sexual, romantic connotation of becoming closer to Susannah. Asking if that is “fair” implies that Lucy knows she cannot fully commit herself to Susannah, so leaving part of her heart with Susannah would be “unfair.”