The Art of Gathering

Gather initial thoughts and broad opinions about the book.

1. In what ways does The Art of Gathering compare to other books on social dynamics, such as Susan Cain’s Quiet or Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People?

2. Parker argues that gathering effectively requires “closing doors” and being selectively exclusive to fulfill a gathering’s purpose. What aspects of this potentially controversial perspective resonated with you or challenged your thinking about inclusivity?

3. Which of Parker’s specific principles most dramatically shifted your understanding of what makes gatherings work?

Encourage readers to connect the book’s themes and characters with their personal experiences.

1. Reflect on a gathering where you experienced what Parker calls “generous authority” from a host who actively shaped the experience.

2. Parker suggests that “chill hosting” is actually “selfishness disguised as kindness” (71). What differences have you noticed between gatherings with hands-off versus engaged hosts?

3. Think about a gathering you attended that lacked what Parker calls a “specific, unique […] purpose” beyond its general category (25). How did this affect your experience?

4. When have you witnessed something similar to Parker’s “15 Toasts” method that created authentic connections between people?

5. Parker claims that most gatherings “don’t end” but “simply stop” (248). What memorable closing rituals have you experienced that effectively sealed a gathering’s purpose?

6. The book discusses creating “a temporary alternative world” through pop-up rules that temporarily suspend normal social conventions (111). When have you experienced the power of such temporary structures?

Examine the book’s relevance to societal issues, historical events, or cultural themes.

1. Parker states that “in democracies, the freedom to assemble is one of the foundational rights” (ix), while authoritarian regimes restrict gathering. What implications might her gathering philosophy have for civic engagement and community building?

2. The book critiques traditional etiquette as reinforcing social hierarchies and class distinctions. How does Parker’s approach to pop-up rules challenge or reinforce power dynamics in various contexts?

3. Which of Parker’s principles might be most difficult to implement in digital or virtual gathering spaces?

Dive into the book’s structure, characters, themes, and symbolism.

1. How does Parker’s use of diverse anecdotes, from dinner parties to diplomatic summits, reinforce her argument about the universal principles of gathering?

2. Trace how Parker builds her framework logically from purpose to exclusivity to leadership throughout the book.

3. What rhetorical strategies does Parker use to persuade readers to accept potentially controversial claims, such as the argument that exclusivity can be “generous”?

4. Parker frames gatherings as opportunities for “transformative change” rather than mere social obligations. Why?

5. The book’s structure mirrors the very process Parker advocates for creating meaningful gatherings. What is the effect of this organizational choice?

6. In building her arguments, Parker draws from diverse fields, including conflict resolution, theater, and politics. What does this interdisciplinary approach reveal about her understanding of human connection?

Encourage imaginative and creative connections to the book.

1. Design your own “15 Toasts” theme that would create meaningful conversation specifically for this book club.

2. If you were to implement Parker’s concept of “pop-up rules” for an important gathering in your life, what specific rule would you create, and why?

3. Parker highlights Diner en Blanc as an example of creating a “temporary alternative world” via pop-up rules (128), where thousands participate in an elaborate picnic with specific rules. Imagine a similarly transformative gathering you might create to bring people together around a meaningful purpose.

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