The Book of Bill

These pages depict a dotted line for the reader’s name and “instructions” to summon Bill—place your hand on the right page, which contains a bloody handprint with a triangle with one eye in the center, clear your mind, and repeat the words “time to get weird” (4).

These pages are whitish-blue and completely covered in an endless string of “HAHAHAHA” on repeat, until the final page, where a model of Bill Cipher appears to be bursting through the paper in 3-D. Bill is a triangle with four limbs, a single eye, a bowtie, and a top hat.

On Page 10, Bill greets the reader, announcing he has been waiting an “eternity” to meet them. He tells the reader to soak in his presence since he will change their lives forever. He then says that he understands that the reader has questions—including why he isn’t dead. The next three pages depict the response to that question. Page 11 shows Bill against the background of laughter; the letters have turned to assorted colors and Bill looks to be phasing out of existence or fracturing like a computer glitch. Page 12 is solid black with a red crayon scrawl reading, “I’m perfectly fine” in descending lettering, and Page 13 depicts Bill mostly in shadow except for his glowing yellow eye and gaping human teeth, like he is about to bite the reader.

Returning to “normal,” Bill says that while the reader might laugh at him because he is imaginary and the reader is “real,” he gets the last laugh. He says an idea can’t die, but a human being inevitably will. He advises the reader to therefore get on his good side early and ignore Stanford (who he calls “Sixer” due to his having six fingers on each hand) unless they’re worried exposure to his power and secrets will ruin their brain.

Bill does not believe this will happen, however, and offers the reader a deal in exchange for a “favor” at some point. The flaming blue lettering below reads “Yes” or “No” with instructions: turn the page for Yes or flip to page 77 for No. Page 15 depicts Bill, slightly less glitched, extending a flaming blue, humanoid hand for the reader to shake.

These pages depict a mock copyright page for the Book of Bill and a mock cover. On Page 16, Bill obscures some of the sentences on the copyright page, as he observes the cover and expresses his displeasure with it. The copyright page resembles that of an ordinary book but attributes everything to Bill Cipher and twists common legal language, such as “All wrongs reserved” and expressing that if the book is bought without a cover, that’s good because “stealing is fine” (16). It is also listed as “certified kindling” and described as being “printed in Bill’s brain” (16). The cover on Page 17 resembles brown leather with gold trim and states under the title that the book is written, published, and licked by Bill.

Page 18 depicts some of Bill’s ideas for alternative covers. The top left resembles a dramatic bestseller, with Bill illuminated in the sky in lightning; it is instead described as a “worst-seller” with a round sticker mocking award stickers that instead covers a stain. Bill describes this as too basic. The top right resembles a Goosebumps cover, with a tagline about the “tri-strangler” and Bill peeking out of a haunted house’s door. Bill mocks this as too nostalgic. The bottom left depicts a mock religious book, with Bill appearing in a ray of light to a worshipful man, described as a testament of the “church of Ciphertology” (18), but this one is too preachy for Bill. The final cover depicts a mock bodice-ripper romance novel, with Bill’s triangle body photoshopped onto a muscular man with long hair holding a swooning woman in a green dress. It is titled “The Love Triangle” by Tabitha Lustheart, described as inappropriate for all, and dismissed by Bill as too “ravishing.”

Continuing from the previous page, Bill presents his final cover: him, duct-taped to a pinkish page (made of brain matter) with several images, as if it is being actively, badly edited. The title reads, “tHe Boookof Bll” in a text box directly above a screenshot of Microsoft Word reading, “Good job Bill!” with multiple thumbs-up emojis (19). The right-clicked text box includes many disturbing instructions alongside actual ones, such as torture physically or mentally and instructions for murder by removing someone’s intestines. The left side of the page has a box resembling photo-editing software tools, but the symbols—a six-fingered hand, a pine tree, and various murder implements—either connect to Bill’s bloodlust or the symbols of the Zodiac members. At the bottom of the page, Bill asks for blood from the reader’s thumb to create the book’s ink; there is a bloody thumbprint in the corner with instructions to press your thumb to the shape.

Pages 20-21 are mostly written in bloody ink. Page 20 has a “guide” to the book’s makeup and dimensions, as well as a bloody X with instructions to lick for “new book taste” (20). Bill promises that the book cannot be thrown away at this point. The book is described as having various horrifying elements, such as a spine, brain matter paper, a soul, and bees. Page 21 has the table of contents, including information about Bill, Bill’s guide to a variety of topics (including déjà vu three times), Bill’s backstory, and information on Stanford Pines, ending with Bill’s plan for world domination. Bill, reclining in a bowl of human teeth at the bottom of the page, invites the reader to eat some teeth and settle in.

This page contains Bill’s information about who he is. It depicts a diagram of Bill imprinted on a human brain as well as a dictionary definition describing Bill as “the writer, director, star, and EP behind all your favorite nightmares” (22). Bill tries to play off his malicious, evil nature, insisting he’s a “little guy” who has been maligned by others for being unique. He invites the reader to describe him however they want; he just wants to make deals and “help” others. He presents his “card,” a centipede asking the user to scream to contact him, and agrees to do an interview to explain himself.

The first page is a mock magazine cover, titled “The Bill Magazine,” with a picture of Bill smiling in front of a teapot and a teacup with a gaping human mouth. It advertises “7 new sins” alongside multiple jokes about eating babies or galaxies and some triangle puns. Bill’s signature sits at the bottom, the “i” dotted with a heart.

The next page has a mock talk show, with Bill interviewing himself and a sign ordering the audience to fake happiness. The tagline describes Bill’s various exploits, and a transcript of the show reveals that the audience is also made up of Bill copies. Bill asks the audience if they are dead, and the answer is a “YES” and a “NO” printed on one another. He then moves on to Page 25, which has various interview questions and photographs: Bill with a mock YouTube apology video depicting him playing the xylophone, Bill holding the hand of a black void and gesturing for imaginary paparazzi to back off, Bill with half of his body covered in pants, and Bill as a “teenager” with acne. He ends the interview after being asked if he is the father of Phineas, the star of Phineas and Ferb.

These pages show Bill claiming he sees and knows all. The first page depicts Bill, with a human eye edited to replace his cartoon one, connected through a white thread to various images of Bill in real life on both pages: a dollar bill with his limbs and clothes doodled onto the triangle with the eye, a Bill graffiti, a Bill scratched into a school’s desk, and so on. Bill announces he is going to tell the reader about his extensive powers, inviting the reader to draw his image wherever they want to allow him to see into their reality, so long as they do not draw him in the shower.

Bill explains his powers and his weaknesses. His powers—which he says are only a few of countless powers—include mind reading, possession, ciphervoyance (seeing the future), charisma, pyrokinesis, “looking amazing in formalwear” (28), and geometric perfection. His weaknesses—which he insists should be kept secret—include synthesized music, tinfoil (which keeps him from reading thoughts), McGucket’s Memory Gun (from Gravity Falls), and having no physical form. The complete list is not readable, however, as an angry Bill lifts and wrinkles the page, insisting that the reader should’ve known better than to try and read how to take him down. He decides to cancel the book and force the reader to read The Great Gatsby instead.

Most of these pages are a word-for-word reproduction of Chapter 2 of The Great Gatsby, where Nick visits Tom’s mistress, Myrtle Wilson, in the dusty land under the watchful gaze of the T.J. Eckleburg billboard, which is just eyes staring out of no face. On the final page, Bill bursts through the book, red and furious, announcing he’s had enough. He whites out the other lines and says the reader doesn’t deserve the punishment of “required reading,” but they should be careful to not try and figure out his weaknesses, since nobody has survived the process.

Stanford’s journal pages return, this time with a photograph of him staring at the reader disapprovingly. He expresses his disappointment, explaining that Bill baits the reader with information they want to hear—Bill baited him with complex riddles, knowing Stanford is dangerously curious. Stanford pities the reader, saying he’s sure they’re at a difficult place in their life or otherwise just “are attracted to things that hurt [them],” but encourages them to close the book and find a healthier hobby. He includes a pinned “goth moth” from Gravity Falls as a step in the right direction, begging the reader to trust him.

On Page 38, Bill offers the reader all the secrets of the universe, describing the image on Page 39 of Bill peeking through a keyhole in a gigantic, locked door surrounded by skulls, arrows, and chains. Bill agrees to share the secrets if the reader can pass a test and tells them to get their pencil.

These pages are a mock “quiz” and the subsequent results. Despite being formatted loosely like a test, all the answers are impossible or puns. An “instruction” table informs the reader that the results “determine their intelligence for the rest of their life” (40).

The first question is a replica of the “old or young woman” illusion, surrounded by other illusions, a drawing of a rabbit, and the word “HELP.” It asks if the drawing is a young woman, an old woman, or the illustrator having a breakdown. The second question is an impossibly drawn cube, but the question relates to the cube’s depression diagnosis. The third question is the “woodchuck” tongue twister that devolves into discussing the woodchuck losing track of time and not meeting wood-chucking deadlines.

On Page 41 (numbered two in the book), the fourth question is a word search comprised entirely of the letter A, asking the reader to find the screams in the puzzle. The fifth question has a picture of a monster with a gaping mouth, named “Norlog the Number Devourer,” and simply asks the reader to feed him numbers. The sixth question has a small doodle of Soos, a character from the TV show, and asks the reader to calculate his surface area.

The seventh question is on Page 42, or 3 on the page, and it is a tilting word puzzle that won’t leave Bill alone. When tilted, the words read, “Need a password? Fine, I’ll talk. It’s the name of the eyeball doc” (42). The eighth question asks the reader to divide the number 7,368 in half but subsequently shows the number split in half with blood spattered across the page; a line is left for the reader to fill in their alibi about killing the number. The ninth question shows an incomprehensible image from the 1990s and asks the reader to write down what they pretend to see in the image.

The tenth question, on Page 43 or “4,” is a crossword where all the clues and subsequent answers are Bill. The eleventh question is a swirling kaleidoscopic image that Bill has included simply to get rid of it from his dimension. The twelfth, and “easiest,” question is simply, “What is the purpose of your life?” (43).

Page 44 contains the answer key—if the reader completed the entire test, they failed because the test was pointless. If they skipped any questions, however, they “passed” because they understand that homework is pointless. Cheating, according to Bill, is the only way to properly live life. He invites the reader to turn to “Bill’s Guide to Everything,” depicted on Page 45 with a diorama of little Bill figurines in lederhosen around a cuckoo clock.