The Book of Disquiet

Bernardo Soares (Pessoa’s heteronym) muses on his belief in God. When these musings fatigue him, Soares enjoys walking through Lisbon in the evenings, feeling the breeze and studying passersby. He gets lost in his daydreams and meditations on his writing. Sometimes his life feels like the life of the streets. Other times these walks overwhelm him with sadness and purposelessness.

Soares pulls himself out of his dreams to return to his work as an assistant bookkeeper. He rents a room above the office. From the windows, he looks up from his work and sees the city.

While writing in his room, Soares reflects on his lonely life. He often longs to escape his life on the Rua dos Douradores, his boss Vasques, his fellow bookkeeper Moreira, and everyone else he works with. He also knows he’d miss these people if they were gone. Vasques particularly intrigues him. He’ll study his boss and imagine the details of his life. Sometimes Vasques seems nothing more than a symbol to Soares.

Soares muses on his boredom and restlessness. He feels trapped by his circumstances, as if he were living “according to a [crochet] pattern” (21). He tries escaping into his writing, but his book feels haphazard, worthless, or nothing more than a dream. Even still, he guesses it’s better to attempt writing than to never try.

Soares takes a train from Lisbon to Cascais and back, dreaming the whole way. When he returns to work, he tries reconciling his reality with his dreams.

One day, Soares walks near the sea, studying the water, sand, and grass. He feels like he’s walking through his own memories. Whenever he tries to mentally free himself, it proves impossible. He can’t stop thinking of himself as more than one person or a refracted image of himself.

Soares lists all the things he’d like to do, including buying books, attending concerts, and developing theories. He believes in embracing the absurdity in life.

One day, Soares feels sick and struggles to eat and drink. He visits his usual café, where the waiter asks after his health. He appreciates this camaraderie.

Soares studies a lithograph and muses on the image of a woman. He wonders at the life and meaning of the figure.

Out in the city, Soares notices a group of girls walking happily past. He wonders about their lives and future. He continues musing on the purpose of life and decides that literature is fundamental to human existence and survival.

On a rainy holiday, Soares spends the day in his room, daydreaming and trying to write. He knows he should be happy, but something indistinct weighs on him. Such feelings often overcome him. He wonders if they’re connected to his childhood. His mother died when he was a baby, and his father died by suicide when he was a toddler. He never had familial love.

Soares can’t sleep. Lying awake listening to the city below, he muses on the human condition.

As summer turns to fall, the nights grow longer. Soares enjoys the darkness and experiences a peaceful, dreamy feeling. Even when he’s at the office, he continues dreaming.

Soares doubts he’ll ever be able to leave his increasingly entrapping life in Lisbon. He relies more and more on his dreams. It’s not his shabby rented room or his office, but the people who depress him. Sometimes he considers suicide but thinks this is giving life too much power. Still, he finds himself envying others’ or getting stuck in the past. He often feels afraid of life, unable to write, or confused by his own feelings. Other times, he feels death lurking. He scoffs at the idea that death is like sleep.

Soares lies awake in his room and listens to the rain. He feels bitter and unhappy. His mind empties out as he listens to the wind. He dismisses his memories when they surface.

Soares muses on his relationships with others, his destiny, and his monotonous life. Sometimes he fears the unknown or is overcome by his desperation for freedom. He longs for a different kind of life, but even his longing upsets him. He knows that loneliness defines his life, but he can’t stand being around people.

Soares goes to the country to spend a night at his friend’s house. He enjoys the scene from his room but is restless, trapped, and homesick. He studies the landscape, watches a storm pass, and considers his life.

Soares considers the spread of Christianity and the state of the human soul. When he dreams, he dreams of the Romantics and Fate. Sometimes he imagines a different life and destiny for himself. He wonders if he’ll ever be famous for his work. Either way, he knows he carries an infinite landscape within him, like other writers he’s read. Sometimes reading frees him from himself.

Soares arrives late to work. He encounters his true self at the office and feels overwhelmed. He’s annoyed by Moreira, too.

Soares considers the relationship between a person’s environment and their soul. His soul feels most alive when he is observing his surroundings. Studying the passersby, he muses on the future and the past. He imagines what it’s like to be them. Other times, Soares is overcome by tedium, depressed by others’ lives and skeptical of their happiness. He studies more people on the streets and from the office window, despairing at everything he hears and sees.

Soares rereads all the pages he’s written and decides they’re worthless. He cries, overwhelmed by his lack of identity, as if he isn’t the one writing. He has always hoped to reach at least one person through his writing and ideas.

Another day, Soares feels more confident about his writing. He writes at his local café, energized by his work.

Soares visits the public gardens. Sometimes he enjoys these spaces but other times they feel like cages.

One day, Soares walks on the Rua Nova do Almada and studies a man in front of him. He imagines his life and feels as if he has become the man. This new identity is like visiting a different landscape. Imagining and reflecting in this way makes Soares happy.

On a stormy day, Soares studies the wind and rain and is glad Lisbon is his home. Another day, he is overwhelmed by the city’s noise and movement. He is most content when he’s lost in thought and dreams. He sometimes wants a companion but doubts anyone will ever be his friend.

Soares looks out over the city streets and the Tagus River. He feels like Job in the Bible—tired by everything. Even the idea of sleeping feels taxing. He sits in the square and studies the streetcars and passersby. He guesses everything has a meaning but is overcome by loneliness and futility.

Soares tries to give himself a break from emotions, writing, and thinking. He wonders at the meaning of his existence and work. He compares himself to other writers, afraid he’ll never finish his book and will be forgotten. He knows why he writes but wonders if he’ll ever truly find understanding or truth. Overcome by despair, he looks outside and feels lonely, tired, and abandoned.

Soares visits the country and studies his surroundings. He gets lost in his writing. He loves creating new worlds and characters. These fictions are more real than life itself. He suddenly values his mind and thoughts.

Soares walks on the beach, musing on life, sadness, and his identity. He feels many intense emotions. His dreams overwhelm and delight him.

The next morning, Soares wakes early. He is overwhelmed by the stupidity of life. He tries to live in the present, but shadowy emotions often encompass him. His whole life feels like standing at a window and looking out, or like a dream.