53 pages • 1-hour read
The Courage to Be Disliked
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Themes
The Importance of Living in the Present Moment
The importance of living in the present moment relates to many other tenets of the philosopher’s message in the book, including freedom and capacity to change. It is one of the first concepts that the philosopher explains to the man and one of the last to which he returns before their conversation ends.
When explaining Adler’s rejection of trauma, the philosopher explains, “No matter what has occurred in your life up to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on. That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life” (40). One of the foundations for Adler’s theory is that a person can shape their own life at any point; this belief requires one to move on from the trauma of their past. When one adopts the belief that they can change at any point, each moment becomes powerful. To fully embrace the present moment, one must let go of one’s perceived influence of the past.
Later, when the youth still romanticizes an upward trajectory to his life, the philosopher suggests a different conception, stating, “Seemingly linear existence is actually a series of dots; in other words, life is a series of moments” (246). This metaphor reflects the idea that while one may construct a narrative of their life in their minds, if they look closely enough they will find only moments. With this in mind, each moment determines one’s life. If the only thing that matters is the present moment, then any time spent trying to understand the past or predict the future is wasted.
To further illustrate this point, the philosopher uses another metaphor in which the man is standing on a stage. The philosopher then explains:
It’s because we cast a dim light on our entire lives that we are able to see the past and the future. Or at least we imagine we can. But if one is shining a bright spotlight on here and now, one cannot see the past or the future anymore (252).
this analogy, he aims to demonstrate the importance of living in the moment by showing the young man what he loses by focusing on the future and the past. Thus, the young man sacrifices his happiness and freedom to squint at something that he will never be able to see clearly; in doing so, he misses the only real thing: the present moment. In this way, the authors design the character of the philosopher to deliver explanations and metaphors to emphasize the importance of the here and now. By the end of the book, the youth notices aspects of the world that he has never fully appreciated because of his previous fixation on the past and future.
Freedom as the Key to Happiness
Freedom is a frequent topic of discussion between the philosopher and the youth. They discuss what freedom is, how to achieve it, and whether it is worth pursuing. The philosopher argues that freedom is a vital step toward happiness. Freedom also opens the discussion of the fear of being disliked and the desire for recognition—both of which drive the young man while simultaneously keeping him anxious and hopeless.
When explaining his reasoning for not seeking recognition, the philosopher asks, “Does one choose recognition from others, or does one choose a path of freedom without recognition?” (140). This question distresses the young man because he has relied on recognition for his sense of self-worth; without it, he fears that he would hate himself. The philosopher argues that if one no longer craves recognition, one can be free from the desire to live other people’s lives just to please them. By posing this question, the philosopher acknowledges the young man’s freedom to choose one of the two paths, even if his choice does not reflect the path that the philosopher has chosen.
When the man realizes that the difficult cost of freedom is having to decide his life for himself, the philosopher summarizes: “Maybe it is easier to live in such a way as to satisfy other people’s expectations. Because one is entrusting one’s own life to them” (139). His point is that by giving one’s life away, one surrenders responsibility and accountability along with their freedom. He elaborates on this difficulty when discussing how to define freedom, saying:
Now, if one were to say that living like a stone tumbling downhill and allowing such inclinations or desires or impulses to take one wherever they will is ‘freedom,’ one would be incorrect. To live in such a way is only to be a slave to one’s desires and impulses. Real freedom is an attitude akin to pushing up one’s tumbling self from below (143).
In this metaphor, he distinguishes between freedom and impulse, positing that freedom requires hard work and dedication in each moment. Because freedom requires that one take responsibility for their own life, it is the more difficult path.
To connect the concepts of freedom and happiness, the philosopher says that happiness is the feeling of contribution. If one is reliant on approval from others, they will only feel that they have contributed when they receive recognition. If one does not desire recognition, one has the freedom to determine that they are contributing to others, which can bring them happiness in any moment (236). By the end of the book, it is clear that this concept—and the young man’s dilemma of whether to choose freedom or whether to choose the pursuit of external recognition—lies at the very heart of the philosopher’s strategy. Only by accepting true freedom can the young man begin to view the world and life as “simple.”
The Grounding Influence of Community and Contribution
A central piece of the perspective that the philosopher tries to communicate throughout the book is the role of community and contribution. The philosopher states that the key to happiness lies not in seeking validation or personal success but in recognizing the value of giving to others. This shift in perspective from self-interest to interest in others serves as a foundation for the message that happiness is connected to one’s contributions to the community. By understanding and embracing this dynamic, the young man begins to realize that true contentment can only be found through active participation in community.
The philosopher begins with the claim that all problems stem from interpersonal relationships, and he later introduces the idea that all happiness also comes from interpersonal relationships. He explains to the young man that “community feeling is the goal of interpersonal relationships” (163). For Adler, community feeling is the sense that one has refuge and is accepted. Thus, in the philosopher’s view, this feeling of acceptance leads to happiness, and the only question that remains is how to find this feeling. Adler believes that “happiness is the feeling of contribution” (234), and as the philosopher discusses this concept, the young man comes to understand that personal joy is not derived from notions of superiority but through offering one’s time, effort, and care to others. Through contribution, one can find community feeling and progress on the road to true happiness.
The philosopher further stresses that contribution to others can act as a guiding star when the young man feels lost or unsure. Regardless of whether he is liked or disliked by others, as long as he maintains his commitment to contribute meaningful effort for the good of others, he will be able to find happiness. The philosopher asserts that “as long as you do not lose sight of the guiding star of ‘I contribute to others,’ you will not lose your way, and you can do whatever you like” (261). This idea underscores the power of focusing on the needs of others rather than seeking approval, and the philosopher’s implication is that such a mindset can free the young man from the constraints of societal judgment and external validation that have plagued him for so long.
This theme unfolds over the course of the book, and it is inextricably tied to notions of freedom and living in the present. Offered as the guiding star, the importance of contribution and community is fundamental to the young man’s efforts to reframe his perspective. Instead of seeking recognition from others, the young man must learn to focus on contributing to his community.
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