The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

In the last chapter, Lerner shifts from theory to practice, offering readers a set of “daring” tasks designed to transform anger into a catalyst for self-definition and healthier relationships. She begins by cataloging common coping patterns—pursuers, distancers, underfunctioners, overfunctioners, and blamers—each illustrating predictable but often self-defeating ways of managing conflict. Through case examples, she shows how these patterns are triggered under stress and reinforced within families, workplaces, and intimate partnerships. The practical advice she provides—speaking directly rather than triangulating; observing one’s role before acting; using “I” language instead of blame; and redefining relationships through small, deliberate changes—serves as a toolkit for breaking entrenched cycles.

This chapter reflects the late–20th century self-help ethos of translating psychological frameworks into accessible, actionable strategies. Lerner democratizes insights from family systems theory by inviting readers, especially women, to experiment with small shifts in behavior that illuminate larger relational dynamics. However, the text assumes that readers have the safety, stability, and time to “observe calmly” or risk new stances—assumptions more available to middle-class women than to those navigating poverty, racial inequities, or unsafe relationships. This limits the universality of her guidance, since systemic barriers often constrain how anger can be expressed or transformed.

Despite these gaps, the chapter’s timeliness lies in its pragmatic clarity: Lerner reframes anger not as an eruption to be suppressed or discharged but as a signal for change.