The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

Lerner develops her argument that anger can function as a constructive tool when it signals blurred boundaries and compels women to clarify the “I” in their relationships. Drawing from Thomas Gordon’s Parent Effectiveness Training, Lerner illustrates how shifting from accusatory “you” statements to non-blaming “I” messages can de-escalate power struggles, as in her anecdote of intervening with her son, Matthew. However, she quickly clarifies that linguistic technique alone is insufficient. The deeper task is cultivating clarity around one’s own needs, values, and bottom-line positions, and resisting the tendency to dissolve anger into tears, apologies, or self-blame.

Lerner illustrates her claim through layered examples. Karen, a high-performing employee, initially mobilized anger over an unfair job evaluation but collapsed into tears and self-criticism when confronted with her boss’s defensiveness, showing how women often surrender clarity at the first sign of conflict. She then reflects on her own “frying pan story,” in which longstanding sibling roles—her sister as the confident expert, herself as the deferential younger sibling—obscured her perspective until she recognized anger as a cue to set a boundary and tell her sister she only wanted advice when she asked for it. 

To broaden the point, Lerner presents other women’s struggles. Ruth, caught in repetitive lectures about her husband’s health, shifted the dynamic only when she spoke from her own fear of loss, which prompted him to see a doctor. Joan, after months of futile arguments about her partner’s closeness with another woman, finally drew a clear boundary: She could not remain in the relationship under those conditions. Though the relationship ended, she preserved her dignity. Together these examples underscore a consistent lesson: Anger becomes transformative not by reforming others but by revealing where selfhood has been compromised, and by guiding the courage to articulate firm limits.

Contextually, Lerner’s framework reflects the assertiveness training movement of the late 1970s and early 1980s, a period when women were encouraged to “find their voice” in both professional and private spheres. While her examples largely assume a white, professional, middle-class readership navigating gendered power asymmetries, her emphasis on anger as a clarifying tool retains contemporary resonance in workplaces and families where systemic inequities still silence dissent. In contrast to traditions that treat anger as destructive, Lerner recasts it as a guide toward self-definition. The enduring lesson is that clarity, even when costly, secures dignity and self-respect, making anger less a liability than a compass for personal integrity.

Chapter Lessons

• Anger is most useful when translated into clear, non-blaming statements about the self rather than accusations about others.
• Collapsing into tears, guilt, or self-criticism can mask anger and undermine personal clarity.
• Personal boundaries, even in close relationships, emerge when anger is used to define what one can and cannot accept.
• Preserving dignity may sometimes require loss, but clarity about one’s bottom line is a form of strength.

Reflection Questions

• When you feel anger rising, do you tend to focus on what the other person is doing wrong, or do you clarify what you want and need for yourself?
• Can you identify a relationship in which you’ve been compromising too much of yourself? What would it mean to set a firmer boundary there?