The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

Lerner tackles one of the most persistent dilemmas in relationships: Sorting out responsibility for feelings, actions, and outcomes. She begins with a simple bus incident in New York City, showing how three women experienced the same driver’s outburst differently. The driver’s behavior was the same, but each woman’s response—depression, anger, nostalgia—came from her own history and perceptions. This illustrates Lerner’s central claim: People are responsible for their own feelings and actions, not for the emotional reactions of others.

Through case studies, Lerner shows how women often reverse this principle, taking responsibility for others’ emotions while denying responsibility for their own. Katy feels trapped by her father’s guilt-inducing demands; Stephanie defers to her partner Jane in decision-making, only to resent the outcome; Lisa complains about her husband’s lack of contribution to housework without changing her own overfunctioning role; Lois exhausts herself rescuing her brother; and Alicia, a divorced mother, overfunctions emotionally with her child. In each case, anger signals a blurred boundary, with the women blaming others for their own passivity or overextending themselves in trying to manage others’ feelings. Lerner insists that real change occurs only when individuals clarify their “I,” act on their beliefs, and resist the pull of old circular dances.