The Family Crucible: The Intense Experience of Family Therapy

David’s job offer threatened to be the final catalyst in breaking apart the marriage after decades of emotional repression for the sake of safety. Napier references feminism and the shift in the 1970s toward women’s independence and personal goals. He believes that therapy can help families whose mothers are in the midst of this societal shift by helping clients find their personhood while remaining close to their families. Napier and Whitaker believe they have helped Carolyn to change in such a way, but they also feel it is likely she would have entered this period of change with or without them. Napier reminds the reader that Carolyn is not a single player in this game, as David is also responsible for the direction of the marriage. While Carolyn felt she was being left behind and held back in her new quest for the self, David felt he was being held back in his work.

Three weeks after David leaves, the family comes back for a session. Napier is in deep suspense, wondering about the results of the trip and any decisions the couple may have made. He notices that everyone in the family seems different, but David is finally wearing his emotions and it is obvious he is in pain. Carolyn tells a long story about what happened after David left. She spent days fretting over the possibility of divorce, but soon realized that if it happened, she would survive it. This was solidified by the emotional support she received from Claudia. When David called the first time, he was excited about the job and the city, and Carolyn started to feel the same way. She thought about the possibility of a degree in social work. When David returned, the family greeted him warmly, and two nights of passionate lovemaking with Carolyn followed. Carolyn was thrilled, but David returned to a state of misery and refused to explain why.

During the session, David completely opens up for the first time. He explains that he went through a similar process as Carolyn; he worried about the divorce and then started to find that he could live with it. The problems truly began for David when he went to visit his parents, who seemed unusually insistent on his moving there and taking the job. He later found out that his father was the one who set the job up for him (without even telling him) and that his parents want David and his family to move because David’s sister is in the midst of moving away. David feels that no matter what he does, he can never please his father, and he hates the idea of being manipulated into a new job. Whitaker suggests that David bring his parents across the country for a few sessions, to which the family responds with unease. Napier thanks David for being vulnerable, as it has allowed him to see a change in an emotionally closed off father just like his own.

David finds the courage to invite his parents to therapy, and they instantly agree, surprising David. Napier finds that David’s parents and sister are nothing like he pictured, but they nonetheless carry the issues he expected them to have. Whitaker takes charge for most of the interview, asking David’s father about his marriage and his own parents, and finding that David’s father holds the same cool, defensive stance that his son had. David is also able to express his anger and pain at his father’s attempts to control his life, and his father genuinely apologizes. David’s mother admits to being depressed and even considering suicide, as her husband is distant and she feels she has no future prospects. David’s mother’s honesty spurs an epiphany in David’s father, who didn’t realize the severity of his wife’s emotional state. David’s father needs convincing and encouragement to realize that he is not too old to change. Whitaker tells an anecdote about an elderly woman who said that her sex life had improved every year of her marriage and continued to do so. David’s parents return the next day for another session, and Whitaker and Napier encourage them to seek a therapist of their own afterward. They were advised to focus on each other and find a way to become close again, in order to release David from the feeling that he cannot be open and honest with his own family.

David and Carolyn choose to stay married. Whitaker and Napier believe that David’s therapy has helped him understand and express feelings he has been suppressing for years, and that seeing his parents give themselves permission to grow allowed him to feel he had the same permission. David and Carolyn’s relationship, like those of both their parents, has its problems but was “founded on real caring” (262) and slowly comes back to life through hard work and eight more months of therapy. As they learn to focus on themselves rather than the other, therapy becomes easier, and the habit of blaming dissipates. The marriage becomes the major focus of therapy, but there are still occasional conflicts with the children, and Claudia remains interested in watching her parents solve their issues. David and Carolyn learn to each be their own therapist and work through conflicts as they arise. They begin to see each other as full, independent people, the warmth between them returns, and eventually David and Carolyn agree that they no longer need therapy for their marriage.

Carolyn continues seeing Napier in private for two more months, wanting to address her depression. She learns that she can allow herself to feel depressed and trust that she will eventually climb out of it. When she feels satisfied that she is strong enough to do so, she ends therapy. Claudia comes to visit Whitaker several months later to ask his advice on her current dilemma: She feels lost in college and wants to move to Paris, but is worried about leaving her parents behind. Whitaker gives her “permission” to go, telling her she need only be faithful to herself right now. While Napier is sad to have missed the meeting with Claudia, he notes that he didn’t really need to be there, as he remains connected to the family always.

Napier answers common questions about family therapy and the book itself that came up in the writing process and prior. He begins by explaining that, in his and Whitaker’s view, family therapy is more effective than individual therapy because it addresses both the individual and the network of relationships that surrounds them. Different therapists focus on different issues or have different approaches, like working with many families at one time. Next, Napier talks about the varied types of families that come to therapy, like the traditional nuclear family, but also unmarried couples, divorced couples, and anyone else who lives together. The length of therapy also varies widely and has no set or official end point, depending instead on when both the therapists and the family get the sense that everything that needed addressing has been addressed. When comparing group and family therapy, Napier asserts that group therapy can resemble family therapy if a group has time to form a similar bond, but that this rarely happens. If the family is reluctant, unavailable, or deceased, Napier would look at other people in the patient’s life, such as coworkers or friends.

Napier also explains the many unique styles of family therapy that were emerging in the 1970s, like “communications” therapists who focus on the present rather than past interactions, or others who use nonverbal communication to help families open up. Behavioral therapists focus on family actions rather than emotions and thoughts. Napier admits that therapy is financially out of reach for many, and he adds that clinical psychologists and psychiatrists do not necessarily need to be the ones to provide therapy. Social workers, peer counsellors, friends, teachers, nurses, and others can also be trained in the basics of therapy. Napier also admits that family therapy does not (in the 1970s) yet have enough research to factually call it a superior therapy; as of the writing of The Family Crucible, this was an opinion of Napier’s and Whitaker’s. In finding a therapist, Napier stresses the importance of finding someone who genuinely cares and is emotionally strong, as well as someone who has a deeper understanding of family issues. He hopes that the book can be seen as a representation of the common features of the family experience and that it will offer families insight into their own lives.