The Frugal Wizard's Handbook for Surviving Medieval England

The narrator hides until nightfall, trusting his instinct that the situation is actually genuine and the villagers are not performers. He gives the tree he hides behind four and a half out of five stars and wonders if his habitual rating means he is a reviewer. He makes his way to the village in complete darkness with impressive stealth skills he didn’t know he had. At the riverbank, he pauses to drink and suddenly remembers he has advanced medical nanites that protect him from disease, enhance nutrition, and offer emergency healing.

He reaches a wooden palisade fort, and as two hooded riders are let in through the gates, he slips inside unnoticed. The courtyard contains a tall black stone and offerings of food, drink, and a singed paper placed before the main building. The narrator wonders if he is on a reality game show. He quips, “Carp diem. Seize the fish” (13) and grabs the paper before anyone sees him.

The page titled “Your Own Dimension” explains that he has traveled to an Earth-liteÔ dimension provided by Frugal Wizard, Inc.â. He realizes this place is neither a theme park nor a game show but an alternate reality, and he legally owns it.

The handbook explains that Frugal Wizard Inc.® offers customers a “pristine, Earth-lite™ dimension” (15). Following the deregulation of interdimensional travel in 2084, individuals can now stake claims on unique worlds. These dimensions are similar to Earth but "two categories removed" (16), offering a familiar but exciting experience. A legal disclaimer notes that the company is not responsible for any injuries or "impalements" (16) sustained during the visit.

The narrator is thrilled to remember that in his world, people can buy exclusive access to a whole universe as their “playground” (17) and have the legal right to do anything they want since the laws of physics and global social contracts do not apply in other dimensions. He questions why his arrival went so wrong and wonders whether he came as a tourist, a historian, or a would-be emperor. He decides to stay hidden.

Overhearing voices, he eavesdrops as Ealstan and the two hooded visitors discuss investigating the burned field. When they mention searching for someone, he mistakenly assumes they are rescuers from his world and prepares to reveal himself. Before he can act, a young woman and her younger brother ambush him from behind.

When the young man, Wyrm, attacks with a knife, the narrator blocks the blade with his forearm without injury, realizing he must have subcutaneous augments. Suddenly, he recalls disjointed memories of angry shouts, flashing lights, and an immense feeling of shame. While he struggles with these visions, Wyrm’s second strike also fails to cut him, and the young woman, Sefawynn, whacks him in the face with a wooden board, knocking him unconscious.

The handbook clarifies that the user has not traveled through time. Though the surroundings appear medieval, the dimension has existed for the same amount of time as Earth; it simply lags behind technologically and socially. Using Nebraska as an analogy for being "behind the times," the guide explains that the user has essentially purchased a Super-Nebraska™ that is roughly half a millennium behind Earth's current status.

The protagonist awakens bound and hanging upside down from a ceiling beam. He gives the creative imprisonment three stars but is embarrassed he let a woman capture him. Sefawynn is a skop and believes he is an aelv, a supernatural being. She makes a sign with her hands and recites poems called boasts to “loose” (25) him, but to no effect. The narrator bluffs that his anger will unleash his powers, but Sefawynn feels no threat.

The narrator accesses an internal visual overlay and confirms he has subcutaneous protective platings on his arms, legs, and back. However, his skull and chest platings are listed as nonfunctional. Ealstan arrives, and Sefawynn explains that the narrator’s clean-shaven face, pale skin, and feminine hands match folkloric descriptions of an aelv. The narrator resents the description but assumes the aelv identity and attempts to bargain, first demanding magical quest items, then asking to be turned over to the two messengers. Ealstan reveals the messengers seek a red-haired foreigner, not him. The narrator realizes they are not his allies. After Ealstan leaves, Sefawynn confronts him, declaring she knows he is a fraud.

Sefawynn accuses the narrator of running a con and using stencils and scattered pages to fake a supernatural arrival. She criticizes his lack of preparation, noting he looks like an aelv but fails to act convincingly. The narrator plays along and blames the head injury from her attack for his poor performance. He claims the two riders are his accomplices planning a larger scam. He proposes that she perform a binding ritual in front of Ealstan, making her look competent, and in return, he and his friends will leave without payment. She agrees to the plan.

Though unsure of his true identity, the narrator feels strongly that he isn’t a thief. Sefawynn cuts him free, sparking his memory of a girlfriend named Jen. Sefawynn agrees to retrieve the pages from his book, warning that written words attract divine attention. Suddenly, the narrator is struck by a vivid, painful memory that Jen is dead.

The narrator feels a gnawing grief but cannot recall Jen’s face. He remembers her speaking about ancient peoples and dimensional travel. Sefawynn explains their plan in which she will claim to have magically bound him using his true name, forcing him to obey her command to leave. She explains they are in the land of Weswara, home of the Weswarans.

They cross the courtyard, and the narrator notices the food and drink offerings have vanished. He disbelieves Sefawynn’s explanation that the wights, or spirits, have taken them. They enter the hall, where Ealstan speaks with the two messengers and his wife, Rowena. When the narrator sees the visitors’ faces clearly, he freezes in recognition. The taller man is Ulric Stromfin, a man who wants him dead.

The guide explains that dimensions are deviations from Earth's timeline. Category one dimensions resemble Earth the closest, while other categories deviate further. The Earth-lite™ experience at Frugal Wizard Inc.® offers a balance of historical familiarity and novelty. Users may encounter different monarchs, borders, or cultural customs, such as "Celtic True Matriarchy™" dimensions where women wear the pants (or rather, no one wears pants). A legal disclaimer advises users requesting a specific medieval period to upgrade from the Wizard WildcardÔ option to the Fully Guaranteed DimensionÔ.

Ulric Stromfin is the Seattle branch leader of the Fabian Augments cartel, a criminal organization that funds illegal augments and controls indebted thieves. The shorter man is Quinn Jericho, Ulric’s enforcer. The narrator’s knowledge of the cartel’s operations convinces him he must be either a mobster or thief himself.

The narrator pulls Sefawynn into hiding and explains that Ulric is not his friend but a dangerous cartel leader. Through a crack in the door, they watch Ulric challenge Ealstan’s authority. After Ealstan rebuffs him, Ulric produces a futuristic military-grade pistol and shoots the door guard, Oswald, killing him instantly to demonstrate his power.

Ealstan submits immediately. Ulric invokes the tradition of bearn-gisel (child hostage), and Quinn seizes Wyrm, mistaking the boy for Ealstan’s son. The narrator physically restrains Sefawynn when she tries to intervene, knowing they would both be killed. Ulric and Quinn take their captive to Wellbury, and Sefawynn collapses in grief.

Rowena takes charge of caring for Oswald’s body and arranging his burial. The narrator wrestles with shame, as his first reaction to seeing the body is a selfish, happy relief that his nausea is a sign that he is not a ruthless killer like Ulric.

Ealstan sees the narrator emerge and, believing him a powerful spirit, kneels and begs for mercy. Sefawynn declares he is merely a useless man and demands Ealstan’s fastest horse.  Ealstan explains Wyrm is being taken to the house of Wealdsig, the reeve in Wellbury, and urges caution. Sefawynn meditates at the founder’s sacred site to prepare powerful boasts before pursuing Ulric. The narrator believes she doesn’t stand a chance against Ulric and tries to rationalize that none of this is his fault, but his excuses ring hollow.

The narrator finds more pages from his handbook in a messy pile in the larder. When he looks away briefly, the pages are suddenly neatly stacked. Unnerved but determined, he begins sorting them and discovers a page with his name and profession: John West, cop. John suddenly remembers he is a specialist detective in the Seattle Police Department’s Anti-Cartel and Illegal Augments Division.

The handbook details the imprecise technology used to select dimensions, which are grouped by "bands" like the color spectrum. Standard packages come with three guarantees: 1) Great Britain will have steel-working humans but no gunpowder, 2) The language will be intelligible to modern English speakers (possibly due to a Norman migration), and 3) There are no active global pandemics.

John West realizes his police background explains his expensive augments, Ulric’s animosity, and his knowledge of cartel operations. He deduces something went catastrophically wrong with his mission, leaving him unprepared and partially equipped. So far, his performance has been one star. Despite his vulnerability, he resolves to pursue Ulric and rescue Wyrm. He feels a flood of relief that he is not a criminal but a hero.

John reads more of the handbook for answers, but the first chapters resemble a marketing brochure. He accesses his nanite controls again, finding his chest and head platings offline and password protected. Exploring deeper, he discovers a hidden menu revealing stealth augments like night vision with zoom capability, enhanced hearing, skin-color camouflage, finger sensitivity for lock-picking, wireless hacking abilities, and a vocal modulator for voice imitation. John finds Sefawynn meditating in a stone circle and offers to help rescue her brother. To gain her trust, he admits he is not an aelv but announces he is a wizard.

In an excerpt from his 2102 autobiography, Cecil G. Bagsworth III argues that any modern person with a high school education possesses knowledge vast enough to be a god in an ancient era. He credits timing rather than talent for the world’s greatest achievements and urges readers to "become a wizard" in their “Perfect DimensionÔ” by using timing to their advantage to change the world, achieve greatness, or exert total domination.

Sefawynn does not understand the words “wizard” or “magic,” and John explains he is their version of a wise man. Sefawynn angrily dismisses him as a charlatan until he makes a sincere offer to help find Wyrm and demonstrates his ability to change his skin color. Although skeptical, she accepts his aid, adding that she will figure out how he creates the illusion. Sefawynn asks his name, and he adopts the alias “Runian,” her world’s word for “writer.”  

Sefawynn advises him to remain clean-shaven, as his unusual appearance may deter attackers into assuming he is an aelv. Still stinging from her earlier description, John insists that he does not have feminine hands. Sefawynn responds that it’s not an insult, and women are not simply weak versions of men. John blurts out that he respects women and wears a pink ribbon to promote breast cancer awareness.

In the courtyard, Ealstan has prepared three horses. John puts on a theatrical performance, claiming to be an aelv prince sent to recapture a stolen thunder weapon and punish the mortal thief. He demonstrates his color-changing ability, impressing Ealstan but earning looks from Sefawynn to not overdo the act. Ealstan announces he will join their pursuit, as duty requires him to confront the men who violated his village’s protection. John observes Sefawynn touching the large, black stone in the courtyard’s center and sees the carved runes glow faintly, believing it is a trick of the light. Ealstan explains the runestone is meant to bind and pacify local wights. After struggling to mount his horse, John rides out at dawn alongside Sefawynn and Ealstan. He reflects on his first day with cautious optimism, upgrading his performance to two and a half stars, though he still does not remember why he arrived so unprepared for his mission.