The Frugal Wizard's Handbook for Surviving Medieval England

The handbook provides a very brief and direct answer: "No."

Ealstan is amazed by the realistic portrait. When the group dismounts to rest, John sketches Ealstan, and a memory returns. He had dropped out of art school after three years, feeling like an imposter. Ealstan asks if the drawing gives John power over his soul, and John assures him it’s just a drawing. Sefawynn sets out an offering of berries and leather straps to see if wights are nearby. Ealstan sharpens his axe, and John notes how it looks smaller than the ones he’s seen in video games. Ealstan asks if Ulric and Quinn can be killed with normal weapons, and John explains their augmented skin resists blows but can eventually be worn down. He warns Ealstan not to fight them and describes guns as weapons that use captive thunder to shoot metal. He explains the guns are biometrically locked to their owners and is surprised by how quickly Ealstan grasps these concepts.

Ealstan describes the local geography and reveals he is 42 years old. He worries about growing too old to defend his people, having lost both sons in a raid the previous year. John is humbled by the thegn’s integrity and sacrifice.

Sefawynn returns from bathing in the sea. She holds up the leather straps, now intricately braided. The berries are gone, and John believes she’s palmed them. She announces a landwight has bound itself to John as a cofold, a rare occurrence where a wight binds to an individual rather than a place. John’s augmented hearing picks up distant horns. Ealstan recognizes the sound and insists they investigate. They arrive at a cliffside and see three Viking longships sailing near the coast.

The handbook explains that dimensions exist on a "branching point" (101) system that shares the same trunk as our world. Frugal Wizard Inc.â purchased one parent branch that is likely to feature a strain of medieval British settings in all its child nodes. While infinite dimensions mean anything is "technically" possible, the distribution works on a bell curve. Extreme biological deviations, like talking bananas, are statistically unlikely.

The group reaches a cliffside overlooking three Viking longships sailing toward Stenford. Using optical magnifiers, John observes nearly 70 men and notes a woman on each ship. He’s surprised not to see a single helmet with horns and remarks on their impressively well-kept hair. Ealstan identifies them as Hordamen, merciless raiders. He despairs that Stenford cannot withstand their attacks and kneels, begging John for help. When Sefawynn says John cannot help, Ealstan prepares to ride back to his village to his death. John stops him and forms a plan, requesting madder root and a feather to make ink and a quill.

Sitting by the cliff, John sketches the three Hordaman leaders, using his visual augments to capture clear portraits. He feels intense fear, realizing he has no memories of combat and feeling like a new recruit. He suggests sending a horse back to Stenford with a warning note but remembers the prohibition against writing. Sefawynn recounts the origins of the taboo in the story of Friag, Woden’s wife, who used runes and boasts to bind the destructive Waelish king known as the Black Bear to his land. Friag saved humankind but was consumed by the wolf Fenris, the Bear’s ally. In grief, Woden forbade writing, Friag’s creation. Skops are Friag’s heritage, and only Logna the trickster (this dimension’s version of Loki) dares to use writing.

Sefawynn realizes John is not from their lands since he does not know the common tale, and she never believed he was an aelv. He tells her a version of the truth: he is a regular human with special advantages, a wizard or runian. She agrees to help him in his plan, suggesting that to be more convincing as a powerful aelv, he must pretend to have overpowered her skop powers in a reverse binding by ordering her around and calling her thrael, an old word for “slave.”

John, Ealstan, and Sefawynn confront the Hordamen on the beach. John speaks a string of modern words like “Bromance, vlog, podcast” (118) which sound mystical to their ancient ears. Sefawynn acts subservient and translates for the three ship captains. When the leader dismisses John and orders his men to encircle them, John reveals a realistic drawing of the captain, claiming he has taken his soul. A Hordaman skald, their word for skop, is frightened. John reveals drawings of the other two captains and offers to give them the drawings if they agree to leave. The two lesser captains accept and depart. The lead captain remains, suspecting a trick and musing that a captured aelv would be valuable as a “slave.” John threatens him in the captain’s own voice while displaying color changes in his arms, and the captain temporarily backs down.

John spots a captive on the ship and demands him as an offering. The captain sets a trap, counting on an álfr’s (their word for aelv) aversion to water. He tells John he will trade the captive for his drawing, but John must come aboard to claim him. John boards, awed to stand on a Viking longship. The captain attacks with an axe. Suddenly, John has flashbacks of angry shouts, flashes of light, and laughter. He flinches back, certain he has no fighting instincts and expecting to die, but the axe head inexplicably falls off into the water. The captain, believing John is a powerful Dökkálfar prince now weakened by water, calls to his skald to bind him. When the Hordaman skald begins reciting boasts, John pretends to weaken, then throws off her spell.

Cornered, John orders his companions to jump overboard with the captive, then smashes an ink pot and draws a rune on the deck. Thunder sounds from the clear sky, and the rune bursts into flames. Stunned and terrified by this display of real magic, John leaps into the sea as the captain vows to return stronger.

Frugal Wizard Inc.® details its tiered service options. "Discount Dimensions" include worlds with pandemics, unintelligible languages, or Stone Age technology. The "Wizard Wildcard™" provides a random Earth-lite™ experience. Premium options include the "Luxury Experience," which allows users to meet specific historical figures, and the "Total Wizard™ Package," which includes nuclear power plants, modern weapon caches, fawning servants, and a fully automated helicopter.

Ealstan pulls John coughing and struggling from the shallow water. They watch the Hordamen retreat, leaving their lead ship sinking and burning from the rune’s fire. The rescued captive, Yazad, introduces himself as a missionary who came to their lands 10 years ago. John’s confidence is shaken as he questions the dimension’s physics and can’t find a rational explanation for the rune’s flames. Sefawynn accuses him of breaking Woden’s covenant by writing. Ealstan defends him, saying that aelvs are exempt and the burning ship was Thunor’s warning to the Hordamen and other humans. Yazad respectfully adds that writing is not forbidden in his homeland northeast of Persia.

Yazad reveals he came to teach about Ahura Mazda. When Ealstan asks how Yazad was captured, he explains he was sailing for pleasure, a concept foreign to Ealstan. Yazad’s joy reminds John of Jen’s passion for history, prompting him to reflect on his search for something to love that deeply.

Noticing their exhaustion, Yazad invites them to stay at his nearby preserve. Ealstan accepts, reasoning they will be better prepared after rest. As they leave, flaming words in English appear burned into the ground that read: “Nice Work. You might be worth the trouble” (143). Ealstan identifies it as Logna’s Fire. John stamps out the words, then connects the burning of the rune to his singed book, which he now suspects exploded upon his arrival. He begins to consider seriously that gods and magic are real.

The handbook reassures customers that each dimension is anchored by a dimensional beacon with an unbreakable, infinite quantum code. Access requires a physical key imprinted with that specific code. While users can anchor themselves to Earth to return, sidestepping between branches is impossible without returning home first. The guide suggests protecting beacons and gateways, as damage could leave a traveler stranded.

The group arrives at Yazad’s preserve, a hut in an orchard near a vast forest. An elderly man named Leof greets them, overjoyed to see Yazad safe. Inside, a dozen people sleep around a central fire. Yazad makes hay pallets, and Sefawynn and Ealstan fall asleep immediately. John stays awake reading but finds the section on dimensional travel vague. The only page he finds about what portals look like contains a joke about marmosets. He spots a small pyramid of five stones beside him and knocks it over. Leof, on watch, eyes him warily. John chews charcoal to replenish his nanites’ carbon supply.

John realizes he has been reading useless sections to avoid thinking about the magical, physics-defying events. He tries writing his name with charcoal, but nothing happens. He considers writing a rune but stops himself out of fear of starting another fire. When he looks again, the five stones have re-formed their pyramid. He knocks them over again and closes his eyes, wondering if he is hallucinating. When he opens them, the rocks are stacked in an impossible, perfectly balanced tower on their edges. He mutters that it is showing off, and the rocks fall. He finally accepts the truth of Sefawynn’s earlier claim that a wight is following him and decides to sleep, hoping the rest will reset his system. As he drifts off, the rocks form a pyramid once more.