49 pages • 1-hour read
The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
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Chapters 5-6Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 5 Summary: “Social Relationships: The Slide Into ‘Shy’”
Although the two terms are often confused, sensitivity and shyness are not the same. Moreover, the term “shyness” bears negative connotations and a “hidden prejudice” of which HSPs should be aware, often connoting “anxious, awkward, fearful, inhibited, and timid” (92). Arguing that the term “shy” is “inaccurate, negative, and self-fulfilling” (94), Aron stakes a claim that people commonly labeled “shy” are actually HSPs who are easily overaroused.
In place of “shy,” Aron proposes the term “social discomfort.” She argues that this is a malleable situation, over which we have a good deal of control. In situations that create overarousal, HSPs can find ways to cope by imagining containers (See: Index of Terms) or by adopting a “persona” to mask their high sensitivity or convert it into an air of mystery.
Another category related to high sensitivity and “shyness” is introversion. All human beings are social, but they are social in different ways. Introverts (some of whom are HSPs, and vice versa) “go for quality, not quantity” (98), opting for “a few close relationships rather than a large circle of friends” (98). However, some HSPs are extraverts, enjoying large groups and circles of friends but still finding overstimulating situations difficult.
Studies have shown that introverts and extraverts enjoy each other’s company and that their interactive styles complement each other. As Aron emphasizes, “It Takes All Kinds” (100) to make a social world, and nobody can have, or do, it all. When persons of varied personalities interact, they need to adopt a persona (or social role) so as to maintain good manners. Aron cautions HSPs to be wary of some tips on social skills from psychologists and self-help speakers, which can be biased against high sensitivity or introversion; she sums up some of their advice in a quiz on Pages 104-105.
Using the case history of Paula as a springboard, Aron offers a list of “Basic Social Advice for HSPs” on Pages 108-109, including suggestions for dealing with various kinds of social discomfort: making small talk, remembering names, making a request, selling, making a complaint, being in a small group, and public speaking.
Finally, Aron discusses “Reframing Your Shy Moments” (112), asking readers to imagine occasions of social discomfort and reflect on them in light of the main points of the chapter.
Chapter 6 Summary: “Thriving at Work: Follow Your Bliss and Let Your Light Shine Through”
Vocations and work constitute one of the “most urgent concerns” of HSPs, Aron has found. She asserts that HSPs should find their “true vocation” and let their intuition guide them to solutions to their “specific vocational problems.” Aron reiterates her earlier point that Western societies divided people into the “warrior king” and “royal advisor” classes, and that HSPs belong in the latter group; further, societal health depends on the balance of the two classes. Whatever career an HSP chooses, they will pursue it “less like a warrior, more like a priest or royal counselor” (117). The balance of the two classes is necessary for social health, particularly within various professions where the absence of HSP influence is felt in recent times. Indeed, nonsensitive people “will not thrive long without us” (118).
Aron stakes a claim that life is an individual process in which we discover “the particular question [we] were put on earth to answer” (118). This process “deeply satisfies the soul” (118), offering a “liberation” in which we hear our “inner voice” free from the demands of others. It is essentially a self-discovery. The challenge is to find out how to “earn money for doing what you love” (119), although the relationship between one’s vocation and one’s paying job may vary over a lifetime.
In the rest of the chapter, Aron gives advice for HSPs in discovering their vocation and how they can thrive and avoid pitfalls in various vocations. If an HSP is hearing many different inner voices telling them different paths to take, they should narrow the possibilities down to a few. Then they should investigate the facts by asking people in the know. Finally, they need to overcome low self-confidence and fear of failing.
As shown in Aron’s research, HSPs fill all kinds of careers, bringing their unique “flair” to many professions. Art is a field congenial to many HSPs, but Aron cautions against the self-destructive tendencies seen in many artists in our culture; this can be remedied by artistic HSPs understanding better their trait and how it relates to their creativity. Because of their strong empathy, many HSPs choose vocations of service; however, because of HSPs’ sensitivity to stimulation, they often “burn out” in these professions. The answer is to choose specific jobs and hours that are well tailored to an HSP’s needs, not feeling the need always to be on the “front lines.”
Aron cites the example of Greg, who felt he was burning out in his teaching job but, instead of quitting, learned to flourish by “refusing to overwork himself” (127). Aron stakes a claim that too many HSPs have “abdicated” from professions where they could make a positive difference. She encourages HSPs to “volunteer now and then” (128) for these jobs. In particular, the business world undervalues HSPs, equating achievement with “warfare, pioneering, and expansion” (128) when it could use more of the qualities of the royal advisor.
Aron moves on to give specific advice to “gifted” HSPs in the workplace:
- Be aware that your ideas will not always be appreciated; be sparing of offering your giftedness.
- Others may misunderstand your intensity and risk-taking, so either keep your long hours a secret or skip the long hours and balance work with recreation.
- Resist letting your natural empathy draw you into coworkers’ private lives or seeking emotional solace in them; maintain professional boundaries. Develop deep relationships outside of work instead.
- There is a danger of giving too much of oneself or making others dependent on your “mystique.” Don’t insist that your gifts all be expressed at work; use some of them on private projects, and give yourself a break by sometimes acting as a “normal person.”
- Keep in contact with many different people, with all their different gifts. Accept that, while the gifted can feel lonely, all are gifted in some way.
Aron invites readers to do an exercise in which they write a mock job interview, subtly “selling” their HSP traits by presenting them in the best and most appealing light possible. Job training can be hard for HSPs because they feel self-conscious when observed; they can therefore try to train themselves or be trained one-on-one by someone they feel comfortable with. The HSP will also need to strategize to deal with issues of physical comfort and stress on the job, deciding whether to ignore problems or complain to higher-ups.
HSPs who want to advance in their organization need to avoid being misperceived as aloof or superior. They should make it a point to share their good feelings about the organization with their coworkers. In order to be considered for promotions, they should remind the organization of their value by keeping a record of their accomplishments.
Aron discusses the case of Bette, who felt (correctly, as it turned out) that her supervisor was “out to get her” (134) and complained to a higher-up. By maintaining a naïve image about a boss’s character, Bette hurt herself. In Aron’s analysis, Bette should have been savvier and more “political.” Aron evokes the 16th-century Florentine political philosopher Niccolò Machiavelli as a model for a realistic awareness of how people behave, including recognizing the more unsavory qualities in ourselves.
Chapters 5-6 Analysis
The two chapters in this section take on two very different topics. First, in Chapter 5, Aron seeks to distinguish “shyness” from sensitivity. Although frequently used to describe behavior (particularly of children), Aron considers the label “shy” misleading, noting that it often comes with hidden prejudice and negative connotations. Rather than a fixed personality trait, Aron reframes shyness as a response to social discomfort: Everyone is shy under certain circumstances, and no one is shy all the time. High sensitivity, by contrast, is a fixed personality trait, and some HSPs may experience shyness more often than non-HSPs. By decoupling the temporary response of shyness from the fixed trait of high sensitivity, Aron is Challenging Societal Misconceptions About High Sensitivity, encouraging readers to rethink their understanding of the HSPs in their lives, potentially including themselves.
Aron goes further by specifying that shyness (like sensitivity) does not have to be considered in a negative light; it can also connote qualities like restraint and discretion. This chapter is important in the scheme of the whole book because it serves Aron’s purpose of redefining sensitivity. The trait is little understood, and part of the misunderstanding is to confuse it with shyness. By redefining shyness, Aron also redefines sensitivity with the aim of understanding both of these related traits more correctly. The hope is that these corrected definitions will lead to a more just treatment of people with these traits.
By enfolding her discussion of shyness within a larger discussion of social relationships, Aron is able to develop her concept of persona (See: Index of Terms). Aron argues that a persona can be a useful device for interacting in society, as it helps mask traits that may be misunderstood. The concept of persona shows that Aron places an importance on HSPs fitting into society and practicing good social skills, since adopting a persona helps one to be socially pleasing and acceptable. In discussing the virtues and drawbacks of the persona, Aron draws from her background in Jungian psychoanalysis. Carl Jung defines the persona as the public face or mask one presents to the world, usually created in accordance with societal expectations. Its antithesis is the “shadow self”—the aspects of the personality that are repressed or hidden because of societal disapproval. The danger of the persona, for Jung, is that the mask can become indistinguishable from the self—the individual can lose contact with the shadow self. In keeping with Jungian practice, Aron argues for a balance: An effective persona can be a necessary tool for navigating society, but the individual must also remain true to their core self. As an adjunct to masking, Aron proposes the opposite tactic: explaining one’s sensitivity outright to people, making it a public part of one’s identity. Rather than isolating HSPs among themselves, Aron seeks to help them relate in a more meaningful way with other people of various personalities and expectations.
Aron counterposes shyness with another concept closely associated with sensitivity, introversion. As with shyness, Aron stresses that introversion can coincide with sensitivity, though not always, since extraverted HSPs do exist. However, introversion does share some aspects in common with high sensitivity, including a concentration on the inner life before external facts and events. Aron emphasizes that even though society tries to dictate what social behavior should look like, there is “more than one right way to be social” (97), and all the categories of people she is discussing (HSPs, introverts, and those affected by shyness) are social in their own way. Indeed, Aron specifies that being social is part and parcel of being human, but that different people practice sociability in different ways.
Chapter 6 discusses The Challenges and Benefits of High Sensitivity in the workplace. This chapter bears wide-ranging social implications, bringing Aron’s theory of the two classes of society into play. Aron sees many professions that previously were occupied by “royal advisors” now becoming dominated by “warrior kings.” This is to the detriment of society at large, which is losing the distinctive benefits that HSPs bring. As elsewhere in the book, Aron sees the problem as rooted in two mutually reinforcing problems: Modern, capitalistic society tends to devalue high sensitivity in favor of non-HSP traits like competitiveness and assertiveness, while HSPs themselves are prone to low self-esteem. Her book aims to address both of these problems by delineating the positive things HSPs contribute to society. The need for self-respect and self-esteem is reflected also in Aron’s suggestion that HSPs advocate for themselves by highlighting their accomplishments at work.
A corollary of this is the need for HSPs to “play politics” in the workplace by defusing suspicions among misunderstanding coworkers and bosses. This is the workplace counterpart of the “persona” that Aron proposes for HSPs in society and is all part of how HSPs need to survive and thrive in the world. Here again, Aron balances appreciating HSPs’ uniqueness with the need for HSPs to fit into society and play society’s “game” while maintaining their uniqueness and integrity. Aron reappropriates a highly controversial historical figure—Machiavelli—as a useful model for realism in assessing people’s (and one’s own) darker personalities and motives, with the aim of surviving and thriving in a complex world. This also plays into Aron’s wider theme of the need to confront the “shadow side” of our humanity, which will also be developed in subsequent chapters.
In short, Aron hopes to marshal HSPs for the betterment of society by helping them discover their uniqueness and find their true vocation—one attuned to HSP strengths—and by providing them with methods to survive once they are in the workplace.
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