49 pages • 1-hour read
The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You
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Chapters 7-8Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 7 Summary: “Close Relationships: The Challenge of Sensitive Love”
Aron’s patients show a wide variety of approaches to romantic relationships, and her research suggests that HSP’s “fall in love harder” (140) than others. Overly intense love is usually unrequited and is based on “absurd idealization” of the beloved. Following Jungian thought, Aron theorizes that each of us has an “inner helpmate” that leads us into deep spiritual realms, but we may mistakenly project that inner helpmate onto others.
In general, HSPs tend to be either cautious (avoidant) or very intense (anxious-ambivalent) about close relationships. Early attachments can resurface and become projected on a different person later in life, as happened with Aron’s patient Ellen and an older woman who acted as her counselor.
At the same time, Aron argues that HSPs are “more prone to love” (147) for three reasons: overarousal (to which HSPs are prone) is apt to lead one to fall in love; HSPs are prone to low self-esteem, which leads them to fall in love with the closest available person; and HSPs tend to enter romantic relationships out of fear of feeling alone or overwhelmed.
In their research on love, Aron and her husband found two common themes: “liking certain things about the other person and finding out the other person likes you” (146). Aron emphasizes that “if we want to be close to someone, we must do it!” (146), which includes taking risks and speaking up.
Aron also stresses that deepening friendships can be just as important as seeking romantic relationships. Aron examines several different kinds of relationships in which HSPs might take part. First come relationships between HSPs. Aron suggests seeking out other HSPs through social groups that HSPs are likely to attend. One difficulty in such relationships is finding the right balance between closeness and distance. Because of the similarity of temperament, complementarity is lacking and certain practical tasks may be difficult; at the same time, similarity can prevent conflict and promote security and stability.
In relationships between an HSP and non-HSP, difficulties can arise. When each partner specializes in something, the other can feel left out or dependent. The partners need to know how to apportion their tasks and prevent dependence from setting in. Another problem arises from the HSP’s need for time alone. The partners will need to respect each other’s needs as well as tolerate and accommodate each other.
HSPs may need to investigate deeply how they communicate. HSPs in particular tend to miscommunicate by seeking to avoid unpleasantness at any cost. Sometimes a time-out is helpful to help resolve an argument; it provides a breathing space that will allow both parties to return to the subject with a different perspective. “Reflective listening” is another valuable tool for learning to hear and understand the other person’s feelings.
Aron reiterates her point from Chapter 6 that life is an individuation process, in which we find our own path and learn to listen to our inner voice. Part of this, particularly relevant to relationships, is learning to acknowledge our “shadow parts,” or the darker side of our personality. HSPs have such shadow aspects just as others do. HSPs must learn about these rejected parts of themselves, and it will help to hear about them from someone they care deeply about.
While individuation marks the process of self-discovery, human beings also self-expand, forming relationships and including others in our lives. Research shows that after a few years of a marriage, the relationship becomes less satisfying, but good communication can slow or reverse that decline. Doing mutually enjoyable things together can help rekindle the relationship; HSPs in particular need to discover the balance between the two qualities so as to prevent overarousal.
HSPs are the best judges of the role that sexuality should play in their lives and how it relates to their sensitivity. The same goes for the question of children: HSPs should judge for themselves whether they want children and how many, and how having children will relate to their sensitivity and difficulties with overstimulation. Aron stresses that both choices—having children and not having them—offer their own benefits.
Aron concludes the chapter by stressing that HSPs’ sensitivity is an asset that can enrich relationships. She proposes an eight-question exercise to examine a relationship that the reader has had and how sensitivity has affected it.
Chapter 8 Summary: “Healing the Deeper Wounds: A Different Process for HSPs”
Aron opens the chapter by recalling the life story of her high school classmate Drake, an HSP who died by suicide in college. Drake’s story illustrates that HSPs who have difficult childhoods are at greater risk for anxiety, depression, and suicide until they acknowledge their wounds and take steps to heal them.
This chapter explores ways of dealing with the unique problems of HSPs by means of psychotherapy. First Aron argues against some common attitudes. What happened to us in childhood does not determine everything about us; sometimes our childhood experiences can guide our path to individuation instead of hindering it. Psychotherapists need to develop a better understanding of HSPs, not treating all their traits as “symptoms” or “problems.” Aron emphasizes that “all childhoods are not equal” (169), and even siblings may experience effectively different childhoods, especially if high sensitivity is a factor. Aron discusses the case of Dan, who had an abusive childhood and later sought psychotherapy, eventually finding a way to survive and to embrace his sensitivity.
Aron explores four different approaches to psychotherapy:
- Cognitive-behavioral therapy works on “how you think” and “how you behave,” with an emphasis on being “practical, rational, and clear” (174). This type of therapy is the most financially accessible, and its simple methods are often effective, leading to increased self-confidence and improved quality of life.
- Interpersonal psychotherapy is what most people think of as “therapy,” with variants such as Freudian, Jungian, Gestalt, etc. It draws from a variety of theories and techniques, tailored to the patient. As a disadvantage, the therapist needs to be skilled and self-aware, or else the discussions can lead nowhere.
- Physical therapy includes exercise, work on nutrition and herbal supplements, acupressure, massage, etc., as well as all medications. The body and the mind affect each other, and this should be remembered when pursuing any of these three therapies.
- Spiritual therapy can provide healing or a broader perspective on life, including the possibility of a larger purpose for our life. Many therapists are spiritually oriented and are associated with a particular spiritual or religious tradition. They can include clergy members and spiritual directors who are trained in psychology.
Next Aron examines how each of these four types of psychotherapy suits HSPs. All HSPs will probably benefit from behavioral-cognitive therapy, with its “practical and down-to-earth” approach. However, HSPs should bear in mind that it is a very rational approach that does not take full account of what makes HSPs unique.
Interpersonal psychotherapy has “broad appeal” to HSPs because it develops intuition and deepens relationships. However, downsides are that HSPs can stay too long in therapy and even develop a strong attraction (a “positive or idealizing transference” [178]) to their therapist, making the process expensive and difficult to leave. Aron elaborates on the concept of transference in the section “More About Transference” (178-80).
Physical therapy can benefit HSPs especially in psychological situations that threaten physical and mental well-being. When pursuing medication, Aron counsels care and moderation because of sensitivity. She also advises nutritional guidance as a way to restore nutrients to an overstimulated body. Making adjustments in one’s lifestyle (like taking a vacation) can be therapeutic in lieu of medication.
Because HSPs are drawn to spirituality, spiritual approaches to therapy are very congenial. Aron cautions against downsides, like avoiding nonspiritual issues and developing an unhealthy transference to spiritual leaders. Finally, she advises that the spiritual concept of sacrificing one’s ego and personal desires should be approached with care in each individual case.
Aron stresses that psychotherapy is not just for people with traumas or emotional problems, but can provide insight, wisdom, and self-discovery to anyone. As Aron declares, “There is nothing quite like it” (183).
Finally, Aron outlines more closely the form of psychotherapy she recommends most to HSPs: Jungian analysis. This approach emphasizes the unconscious, but it adds a spiritual dimension in that the patient seeks an expanded awareness by paying attention to “dreams, symptoms, and behaviors” (184). Aron advises caution in choosing a Jungian analyst. She stresses that therapy has benefits for HSPs that others often cannot appreciate. The chapter ends with a self-test in which readers with troubled childhoods are invited to consider their experiences.
Chapters 7-8 Analysis
Once again, these two chapters address two very different topics: HSPs and close relationships, and HSPs and psychotherapy. In Chapter 7, Aron treats a variety of relationships, both romantic and platonic. Aron treats romantic relationships first, but many of her points apply to friendships as well. In both romantic relationships and friendships, Aron recommends a set of finely tuned rules and agreements applying to various pairings: two HSPs, an HSP and a non-HSP, etc. This approach aligns with the book’s overall aim of offering practical advice on Personal Growth and Self-Care for HSPs.
According to Aron, HSPs are prone to two seemingly antithetical relationship problems: an overintense, idealizing and “impossible” form of love, and a contrary desire for solitude. Indeed, on the latter score, she states bluntly that “some HSPs never seem to fall in love” (141) and seem satisfied by their rich inner lives. To corroborate this, she cites a man and a woman who, in middle age, have moved beyond their youthful infatuations and now feel fulfilled being single and pursuing their work and friendships. By pointing out that high sensitivity can manifest in apparently opposite ways—something she does at various points throughout the book—Aron emphasizes the variability of high sensitivity as a personality trait: Not all HSPs are the same, and an inherited trait can take on highly varied forms in response to the conditions of individual lives.
What unites both sides of this paradox is Aron’s insight that HSPs in general have a complex love life that goes to extremes. For this reason, relationships of various kinds with HSPs can be problematic, requiring delicacy and tact. Notably, HSPs’ tendency toward introversion can cause them to become overwhelmed by feelings of love. Too, HSP’s outsider status in society becomes a complicating factor. In part because of societal prejudices against high sensitivity, HSPs tend to become starved for companionship, and their lowered self-confidence can make them grateful for even the slightest attention. Thirdly, HSPs may seek relationships out of a fear of loneliness or a desire to have support in social situations. In all cases, the result can be an intense or “impossible” love that is prone to being disappointed—thus hurting HSPs emotionally.
Aron uses the metaphor of diving in the sea to describe the feeling of falling in love (particularly an intense love), and the contrasting metaphor of a desert to describe the absence of a desire for romantic love. Ironically, being more “in the world” (but in a moderate and HSP-friendly way) can act as a safeguard against falling into an overintense love, because it helps the HSP achieve a better social balance.
In keeping with the theme of The Challenges and Benefits of High Sensitivity, Aron emphasizes that even as high sensitivity presents unique challenges in the context of relationships, it also brings the potential for deep and rewarding connections. As she has done throughout the book, Aron suggests that HSPs can achieve a better perspective on their life by reframing it the context of sensitivity. Combining this with a balanced reentry into social life, Aron argues that HSPs will be rewarded by discovering that “many people will love you deeply because of your sensitivity” (147). Aron suggests that friendships can be advantageous alternatives to romantic relationships for HSPs, providing similar social support but allowing for greater flexibility and for testing the waters in the relationship.
In discussing HSPs and psychotherapy in Chapter 8, Aron treads a fine line between not treating sensitivity as a disease, yet at the same time acknowledging the psychological wounds that can result from a difficult childhood or adolescence. As in the book as a whole, Aron hopes to provide both “comfort” and “warning,” stressing that the risks of sensitivity are not due to the trait itself so much as to misunderstanding by non-HSPs, highlighting the importance of Challenging Societal Misconceptions About High Sensitivity.
Aron argues that much misunderstanding about HSPs comes from the psychiatric community itself, which has few HSPs in its ranks and understands the trait poorly. Thus, Aron tries to steer HSPs to the channels of the psychiatric world that will help and benefit them. Her recommendation of Jungian therapy is emblematic for her approach as a whole in the book, and reflects her own background and studies. Aron sees Jung as a thinker who, being an HSP himself, understood sensitivity; accordingly, his system of thought is well attuned to HSPs’ needs and concerns. In part this is because the Jungian approach includes a “spiritual dimension” which is congenial to HSPs. Part of this spiritual dimension is to expand beyond the consciousness of the “narrow ego,” thus adding a depth missing in other styles of therapy. Aron’s own background as a committed Jungian thus strongly informs her perspective on how to treat the unique problems of HSPs.
Chapter 8 as a whole reflects Aron’s conviction, informed by Jungian theory, that an individual’s childhood is pivotal in forming his or her psychological makeup, presenting experiences and establishing patterns that will reverberate across a lifetime. For this reason, Aron’s tests in this chapter invite readers to assess their childhood experiences, warning that that the tests may awaken painful memories. Aron considers this pain necessary in order to confront the past and thus find healing. This reflects major themes of the book: the need to confront the “shadow side” of life and human nature, and the need to examine the past as a way of understanding one’s present and finding a path to a healthier future.
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