The House of My Mother: A Daughter's Quest for Freedom

I often wonder how much of my adult self was forged in those early formative years. My tendency to bottle up emotions, to present a stoic face to the world—are these echoes of an infant learning that her distress will always go unheeded? Even before I could form words or thoughts, was I learning that my pain didn’t matter, that my needs were inconvenient?”

In The House of My Mother, Franke often reflects upon The Psychological Impact of Abuse. She delves into the childhoods of adults in her life to explain their behavior and personalities, and here, she considers how her own infancy and the lack of affection she received from her mother might have been influential in shaping her adult self.

“We never chose to be internet celebrities. But that made no difference—soon, our lives now revolved around nonstop content creation—whether we liked it or not. Birthdays, barbecues, even lazy Sunday afternoons—no moment was too mundane to escape documentation. Ruby, her sisters, and her brother Beau—who had also jumped aboard the vlogging bandwagon—were now constantly filming us for their respective vlogs. You couldn’t sneeze without it being immortalized from multiple angles.”

This passage delves into the complexity of consent when children become the focus of social media content, invoking The Role of Social Media in Shaping and Distorting Family Dynamics. While it might not have occurred to Franke and her siblings at the time that they were being taken advantage of, Franke certainly suggests that they were never given the opportunity to say no or decline being filmed on a particular day.

“I thought about Dad, who’d always been the intellectual powerhouse of our family, dedicating his brilliant mind to understanding earthquakes and making the world a safer place. Yet, it was Mom’s newfound obsession with the internet that was finally bringing us true financial success. Point, shoot, upload—and watch the money roll in.”

The success of 8 Passengers signals the beginning of the end for Kevin’s involvement in his family. For years, he was the Frankes’ sole provider, but the money from the YouTube channel undermines his contributions. Ruby needs to keep him around to fulfill the image of the perfect happy family, but she no longer depends on him, and he gradually loses more and more of his autonomy.

“What are the lasting repercussions of growing up on camera, without any say in the matter? How does that constant exposure shape a child’s sense of self, their future relationships, their very understanding of privacy? And what does consent really look like when you’re a child, too afraid to say no?”

This passage also speaks to the questionable morality of using children as fodder for social media content, reflecting The Role of Social Media in Shaping and Distorting Family Dynamics. Franke implies that she and her siblings would never have stood up to Ruby, making consent impossible to obtain. Furthermore, Franke worries that constant exposure on social media could have damaging effects on developing children and constitute an invasion of privacy.

“The most problematic element in our family dynamic—Ruby’s relentless ambition, fueled by a potent mixture of unresolved pain and narcissism—had become the driving force of our existence. It was as if we had taken the most poisonous plant in our garden and, instead of uprooting it, made it the centerpiece of our lives.”

Here, Franke describes one of the most damaging shifts in their family dynamic that 8 Passengers caused. While Ruby was always the one at the helm of the family, the channel made them all subject to her grand vision. This allowed her ambition and desire for power to grow exponentially, endangering everyone.

“The two weren’t just similar—they were symbiotic. Jodi’s ConneXions doctrine wasn’t so much a revelation to Ruby as it was a mirror, reflecting and magnifying the harsh worldview she’d always held.”

ConneXions was another opportunity for Ruby to find validation and further stroke her ego, encouraging her to become even crueler and more controlling. Its philosophy justified the kind of “tough love” she’d always believed in and legitimized it with official-sounding vocabulary.

“Like everything else in our lives, it was designed for the camera, not for comfort. We weren’t even allowed to decorate our rooms or put up posters—Ruby feared tape would rip the paint or nails would damage the walls. The whole place felt more like a showroom than a home.”

The Frankes’ house is a symbol of the disconnect between social media and reality, as well as just how much comfort the Frankes sacrificed to look like the perfect family. It also suggests how their constant performance for the channel began to confuse what was real and what wasn’t. Even their house didn’t feel like a real home, reflecting The Role of Social Media in Shaping and Distorting Family Dynamics.

“As the backlash intensified, Ruby’s rage burned brighter, fueled by a mix of self-righteousness and victimhood. In her mind, she wasn’t a controversial figure being held accountable; she was a martyr, crucified for her unwavering dedication to tough love.”

This passage describes the fallout of Chad revealing he hadn’t been allowed to sleep in a bed for seven months. As thousands of strangers on the internet accused Ruby of child abuse, she adamantly refused to admit to any wrongdoing. On the one hand, she was bolstered by Jodi’s support and the illusion of legitimacy that ConneXions provided. On the other, her inability to accept herself as anything less than perfect is a clear sign of her narcissism.

“‘Truth’ was a word Jodi and Ruby wielded like a weapon. But this story reminded me that truth should always be connected to spirit, the essence of the divine. People thank God all the time, but do they live by God’s teachings? Their words might honor God, but do their actions align with the Bible?

In spirit and in truth.

True truth isn’t just quoting scripture while behaving exactly the way you want to when you think no one is looking. That’s the opposite of truth.”

This passage refers to Jodi and Ruby’s hypocrisy in preaching truth and condemning gay and lesbian relationships while simultaneously lying to everyone and pursuing a secret relationship. This tendency to lie is what bothers Franke the most. She is upset by how Jodi and Ruby mock the teachings they profess to uphold.

“The voice of the Widow of Nauvoo echoed in my mind: ‘Burn it all down, Shari.’ I knew I wanted to, somehow. I’d always felt an invisible ‘Protector’ badge pinned to my soul, a responsibility I’d tried desperately to fulfill. But how could I be their safe haven when I was drowning in the same storm?”

Here, Franke describes her desire to protect her younger siblings from Ruby and Jodi’s abuse. She has always felt a kinship with the Widow of Nauvoo, an ancestor who bravely faced down a crowd of persecutors in the 1840s, and wants to create a similar legacy that her dependents can be proud of. However, she recognizes that she must help herself before she can help others, and this is the spark that truly starts her healing journey.

“What irony—while all this was happening, I was studying ‘abuse of power’ in my college classes. Learning about the dynamics of coercion, about the ways in which abusers groom and manipulate their victims. But even as I intellectualized these concepts, even as I wrote papers and participated in discussions about the insidious nature of abuse, I was unable to apply that knowledge to my own life. My brain wouldn’t let me go there.”

In this passage, Franke describes the extent to which her subconscious was working to protect her during her involvement with Derek. On a purely intellectual level, she understood what The Psychological Impact of Abuse looked like and how it worked, but she was still avoiding recognizing it in her own life due to her deeply embedded defense mechanisms.

“It felt like I was waking up from a long, hazy dream. The fog was lifting, and in its place was a blinding, brilliant truth: It wasn’t me. It had never been me. The dysfunction, the chaos…it was all Ruby. It always had been.”

When Franke starts attending therapy and describes Ruby to her new therapist, she identifies Ruby’s behavior as emotional abuse. This is a revelation for Franke, who was always made to feel like there was something wrong with her because Ruby refused to give her love and affection. The realization that the insanity of their family dynamics all stems from Ruby is the first important step in Franke’s healing, leading to Breaking Generational Cycles of Trauma and Abuse.

“Kevin had about as much autonomy as a wet noodle in a hurricane. His every thought and action was dictated by the whims of his unhinged masters, Ruby and Jodi. The groundwork had been laid long ago, the seeds of doubt and obedience sown deep. As it had with me. The only difference was, I’d gotten out. Years of subservience to Ruby had left Kevin’s psyche weakened, and now he was easy prey, low-hanging fruit.”

This passage describes Kevin’s decline over the course of his marriage to Ruby. Ruby had spent years ensuring her husband was pliable and obedient, making him an easy target for Jodi’s manipulative “self-help” program. She was quickly able to convince him of his “distortion” and corruption and force him from the family because he had long lost the ability to stand up for himself.

“A part of me pitied her—a repressed, self-loathing, deeply damaged woman trapped in an environment in which she felt compelled to conceal her true nature. Surrounded by women she couldn’t have—women who were married to men she resented—in her mind, there was only one path to justice: crush the sperm donors and liberate the females.”

Franke suspects that Jodi’s crusade against men is due in part to her own repressed sexuality. She longs to be with women and resents men for their ability to do so. She takes it upon herself to banish as many men as possible from their families.

“But now I understood why I couldn’t say no to him, why I never rebuked him or showed anger—it wasn’t weakness, it was a pattern etched into my very being by years under Ruby’s thumb. Some way, somehow, I’d have to figure out how to break it.”

Here, Franke describes how the fawn trauma response (See: Index of Terms) has kept her compliant with Derek, reflecting The Psychological Impact of Abuse. She has blamed herself for keeping the relationship going, but her therapist helps her understand that years with Ruby taught her to smile and nod and avoid conflict at all costs. Ruby’s emotional abuse has left deep marks, but recognizing and understanding a pattern is the first step to moving forward.

“The sheer hypocrisy was staggering. Ruby and Jodi had crowned themselves the ultimate authorities on motherhood and family, yet their actions spoke volumes about their true nature. Jodi, estranged from both her son and daughter, had no contact with her own children. Ruby, who had cut me off entirely, was now hiding my siblings from the world, their lives shrouded in secrecy and isolation.”

Despite their immense personal difficulties with motherhood and relationships in general, Ruby and Jodi spend their time giving advice to thousands of followers on social media. Instead of acknowledging their own shortcomings as mothers, as evidenced by their broken relationships with their children, they isolate themselves and deny all responsibility, indicating the narcissistic tendency to never accept that one is less than perfect.

“Sometimes, family isn’t just what you’re born into—it’s also what you build in the aftermath of loss.”

In the face of her rapidly worsening family situation, Franke begins building a new support system. She bonds with her aunts, her roommates, and a trusted teacher. She begins to learn that family isn’t just those with whom you share blood; it’s also the people who love and support you even outside of family obligation.

“I lost all trust and faith. Not in God, but in these men who, when faced with a young woman’s pain, decided to brush it under the carpet and protect their friend.”

When Franke finally confesses her involvement with Derek to her bishop, she is the one who is punished, while Derek faces no consequences. While the experience doesn’t cause her to question her faith in a general sense, it does lead her to lose trust in earthly authority figures, like the men in charge of her congregation, and turn her faith more inward.

“In a way, I feel like I’m a pioneer for myself and family. I’m breaking generations of abuse and evil. I will be better to my kids than my parents ever were to theirs.”

As Franke goes to therapy and starts to heal, she begins to understand the impact that Ruby’s unresolved issues from childhood had on her children. She sees how healing isn’t just something she has to do for herself but for future generations as well. By facing her own trauma, she will be Breaking Generational Cycles of Trauma and Abuse and avoid harming her future children.

“As Ruby was led away, I realized I, too, would have to learn to ‘let it go.’ That wouldn’t mean forgetting or excusing what had happened. It would mean allowing myself to feel, to be imperfect, to love myself and others without judgment. It would mean breaking the cycles of fear and control that had been passed down to me. It would mean recognizing my power, facing my fears, and always choosing love over fear, again and again.”

At Ruby’s sentencing, Franke realizes that holding on to her anger and resentment will only continue to hurt herself and others. She does not necessarily have to forgive Ruby, but she does have to let go and move through her trauma so that Ruby no longer has power over her life. She doesn’t want her abusive childhood to continue to define her.

“How quickly have we, as a society, become numb to the struggles of others, our capacity for compassion eroded by the sheer volume of human drama we’re exposed to daily?”

Franke is alarmed by how her family’s story was treated as entertainment by strangers on the internet, fueling The Role of Social Media in Shaping and Distorting Family Dynamics. She worries that our capacity for empathy is being eroded by constant exposure to various forms of media and urges her readers to remember that the suffering behind the camera is real.

“Whatever the cause, narcissism develops as a shield—a way to protect yourself from feelings of inadequacy or harm. The cruel irony is that this very shield, meant to safeguard the self, ultimately becomes a barrier to genuine connection and fulfillment. It’s a fortress that keeps others out, but also traps the narcissist within.”

Here, Franke describes Ruby’s narcissism as a reaction to her own unresolved childhood trauma, adding another component to The Psychological Impact of Abuse. Like Franke’s fawn response, Ruby’s narcissism is a defense mechanism that the psyche builds to protect itself. Left unchecked, it harms the narcissist themself as well as everyone they come into contact with.

“What if Ruby hadn’t felt like motherhood was the only path to fulfillment? What if she’d been encouraged to explore all facets of herself, beyond what her family told her was’“right’ for someone born a woman?”

Ruby grew up in a religion and community that saw marriage and motherhood as the only options for women. She was intensely ambitious, and instead of seeing motherhood as a limit, she saw it as a way to gain power and influence. Franke wonders if her mother’s ambition and narcissism might have been less damaging if she had an outlet beside her children.