The House of My Mother: A Daughter's Quest for Freedom

Shari’s first car used to belong to her father, and the title remained in his name. She relished the freedom that driving gave her but remained conspicuously aware that her new independence could be quickly taken away. Especially now that Ruby was “soooo obsessed with ConneXions” (104), her moods were more unpredictable than ever.

Kevin was less committed to ConneXions; he came back from a conference looking “stressed” and complaining about being surrounded by “man-hating women,” but he kept his doubts to himself rather than face Ruby’s wrath. Ruby, meanwhile, was becoming more and more immersed. Jodi offered two tiers of training, a six-week “team leadership” course costing alums $5,000 and an 18-week “company leadership training” with a price tag nearing $15,000 (104).

As Shari did more research, she began to realize that ConneXions was essentially a cult. Jodi encouraged her followers to distance themselves from anyone who did not subscribe to her “Truth,” and Utah’s LDS communities were already isolated and “ripe for manipulation” (105). Those who went to Jodi looking for help soon became “trapped in a rigid script and tyrannical system designed to strip them of their autonomy while Jodi monetized their so-called healing” (105).

Ruby soon became a licensed ConneXions coach. Jodi’s philosophy revolved around “absolute purity of thought” (106); “cheating” might be as simple as talking to a member of the opposite sex or noticing someone was attractive. These offenses were evidence of “distorted thinking,” and perpetrators, “usually husbands,” were sentenced to periods of isolation from their families to “work on themselves” (106). They lived in isolation for at least six months until they could “prove their worth to Jodi to earn back the privilege of family closeness” (107). Shari describes Jodi’s philosophy and Ruby’s parenting techniques as “symbiotic.” Ruby had always treated love and affection as something that had to be earned, and Jodi’s teachings helped to justify and “refine” her “emotional starvation diet” (107).

Ruby began casually including ConneXions “buzzwords” in her 8 Passengers videos and sharing information about upcoming conferences and classes, billing it as a “self-help program” that had transformed “her approach to parenting and life in general” (108). The response from her followers was enthusiastic, but meanwhile, “ConneXions was already starting to destroy [the Franke] family” (108). On Jodi’s recommendation, Ruby and Kevin pulled Chad out of his high school athletics, ruining his chance at a track or football scholarship and “taking away the one thing that gave him purpose and joy” (109), all so he could focus on his own “self-improvement.”

The source of Jodi’s power over others was a mystery to Shari, but Ruby was completely sold. She began unpacking old wounds from childhood that caused her to distance herself from the rest of her family. When they expressed no interest in joining ConneXions, Ruby felt it was impossible to heal her relationship with them and cut them out of her life. This frightened Shari, who wondered if her mother could cut her off just as easily. However, it made her realize that her mother, despite her attempt to create a mask of perfection, also struggled with issues stemming from her “unresolved past.” For the first time, she felt “compassion” and “kinship” with her mother.

However, this newfound understanding was complicated by the consequences of Ruby’s new crusade in Shari’s own life. To her dismay, Ruby announced that they were pulling Shari out of track, her favorite sport, so she could work on being more “emotionally vulnerable.” Ruby warned that no man would want “[a] cold, shut-down wife” (113) and announced Shari would receive “the gift” of therapy sessions with Jodi. Furious and afraid, Shari contemplated running away, but she realized she had nowhere to go.

In her first one-on-one call with Jodi, Jodi announced her goal of eliminating Shari’s “cold and entitled manner” (115). She explained that Shari would learn “a new way of thinking” based on “radical self-honesty and rigorous personal inventory” (116). Before ending the call, Jodi told Shari she was aware of the “disparaging things” she had said about Jodi. She argued that this was not a sign of “compassionate behavior” and told Shari she would help her become “a happier and more fulfilled person” (117), just like Chad and Ruby.

The next week, Shari read Jodi the list of incidents of “distorted thinking” that she had kept throughout the week. Shari was proud of her “thorough” list, which included counting the number of times she had “catastrophized” about various events or “jumped to conclusions” (119). However, Jodi sighed in disappointment and announced that Shari had “serious issues with adulation” (119). The next week, Shari was instructed to observe and record all her thoughts of self-adulation and was shocked to discover that Jodi was right. Her new list included the number of times she “felt smug” or “superior.” Shari was already “obsessed with micro-analyzing [her]self” (120), so she quickly took to this work of documenting her flaws.

After five weeks, Jodi was satisfied and taught Shari the next step. Every time she had thoughts of self-adulation, she should reverse the tendency by self-denigrating instead, thinking, for example, that she would fail a test because she was “a very stupid little girl” (121). Jodi insisted that she needed to “be humble” and asked Shari how it felt to embody those thoughts of self-denigration. Shari admitted she felt “scared” and “exposed.” Jodi gleefully announced that this was “vulnerability” and “living in Truth” (122). Shari was finally swayed by Jodi’s logic.

Soon, Shari “was a card-carrying, insufferable ConneXions convert” (124) just like her mother, and she gleefully analyzed her own “distorted thinking” as well as everyone around her. Her “preachiness” soon alienated most of her friends, but she convinced herself that it was a necessary sacrifice. She called out teachers in class and told a friend who confessed to kissing a boy that she needed to confront her “deepest flaws.” Ruby congratulated her when she shared these incidents and told her she was proud, finally giving her the “hard-won approval” Shari had so desperately craved.

By 2019, 8 Passengers had 2.5 million subscribers, and the Frankes moved into a new seven-bedroom house. There was more room for the family to spread out, but it felt like “[a] house built for show, not for living” (131). Everything was designed with the camera in mind, and the children weren’t allowed to even decorate their own rooms. Shari had her own room for the first time, and at night, she would often leave the windows open, allowing a “taste of authenticity and warmth” to entire the “sterile” home (132).

Shari turned 17 on March 3rd, 2020, right before the COVID-19 pandemic struck and life in the Franke house became “truly unbearable.” Ruby was still posting consistently to 8 Passengers, but her “fervor” had fully shifted to ConneXions. The punishments she imposed on her children became more “elaborate” and “psychological,” designed to teach them “about empathy, responsibility, or whatever virtue she felt [they] were lacking” (133).

In May 2020, Ruby uploaded a video in which Chad casually mentioned that he had been sleeping on a beanbag for seven months after losing his “bedroom privileges.” Ruby, “full of misplaced confidence” from her work with Jodi (133), didn’t hesitate to share this information with the public. However, “the internet went ballistic” (134). Thousands of comments accused Ruby of child abuse, brands revoked sponsorships, and subscribers quickly unfollowed. Overnight, the Frankes lost almost all of their family income. Kevin wanted to take the video down, but Ruby insisted that they needed to stand by their “Truth.” Jodi approved, and that was all that mattered. Shari felt a secret relief; she hoped their lives might return to a semblance of normal with the channel defunct.

Viewers began combing through the 8 Passengers archives, looking for more examples of abuse. Videos that had seemed innocent at the time now took on a more sinister meaning, and Child Protective Services finally showed up at their house. Instead of making her realize that her parenting techniques were abusive, the backlash made Ruby more defiant. She thought of herself as “a martyr, crucified for her unwavering dedication to tough love” (136). With Jodi’s support, Ruby turned her full attention to ConneXions.

When summer began, Ruby gathered the family’s smartphones, iPods, TV remotes, and Xbox, announcing the summer would be “electronics-free.” Shari wasn’t especially bothered, but Chad was “livid.” He continued therapy sessions with Jodi, but his compliance was largely an act. Shari, on the other hand, was “almost addicted” to her sessions.

One day, however, as Shari dutifully recited her incidents of distorted thinking from the week, Jodi snapped that Shari wasn’t making real progress; she was “an obedient little drone” (139), reporting her thoughts to get Jodi’s approval and, therefore, continue feeding her ego. She lacked “compassion” and “empathy.” Confused and hurt, Shari turned to her journal after the session and told Jodi the next week that she had been hurt by Jodi’s attack. Jodi insisted that the conversations Shari described had never happened. Shari’s suspicions were raised, and she began observing Jodi more closely to catch more inconsistencies.

When Jodi announced in a session that babies are “manipulators” who feel “entitled” to their mother’s love, Shari became furious. She thought of herself as an infant longing for her mother’s affections and finally became free of the “invisible shackles” that bound her to Jodi. She started to question how she and so many others had fallen under Jodi’s sway, coming to understand that cult leaders like Jodi took advantage of “the vulnerable, the lost, the broken,” but also “anyone who is simply a human searching for meaning” (143). Ruby saw an opportunity to seize power working with Jodi, but Jodi had no intention of sharing her ConneXions empire.

In a move to ensure her continued power at ConneXions, Jodi announced that all her certified life coaches needed to pay her a cut of their earnings if they continued to use materials. Many of her coaches recognized the manipulative nature of this new contract and left her company. Jodi insisted that she had “fired” the coaches for “disobedience” and their inability to overcome their disordered thinking.

Ruby, however, remained more devoted to Jodi than ever, and Shari began feeling a need to rebel and find her own sense of self. She had just turned 18 when she met Derek, a well-respected church and family man who hired her to help edit YouTube videos for his company. Derek was full of compliments and curious about Shari’s life. Shari began opening up to him cautiously, and when she mentioned her family’s involvement in ConneXions, he mentioned that he knew Jodi and didn’t like her “at all.” This made Shari feel she should trust him. However, his attention sometimes made her uncomfortable.

When Ruby found out Shari was working for Derek, she forbade her from seeing him again. However, his “constant support” was “nourishing” and “empowering,” and Shari continued to see him behind her mother’s back (149).