The House of My Mother: A Daughter's Quest for Freedom

One day, a neighbor called Shari to inform her that Ruby had taken her siblings out of school. Another phoned with the news that Ruby had gotten rid of the family’s beloved dog; they suspected she didn’t want a reason for the children to be seen outside of the house.

Terrified, Shari called DCFS again. She spent weeks speaking with agents and detailing as much of her abusive childhood as she could remember. She felt hopeful, but several weeks later, the agent called her back, apologizing profusely. They didn’t have enough evidence and were forced to close the case. Shari began to pray for help.

One day in November, Shari ran into her father, who still worked at the college. He gave her “a strained, fake smile” (237) and quickly headed in the other direction. Shari longed to go after him, but she knew that he was deep in his own struggle and couldn’t help her or her siblings.

At the start of December, another neighbor called to tell Shari that Ruby was packing up the family house and preparing to move. Shari worried that she would move in with Jodi or disappear completely. She also thought of all her childhood mementos in the house, and knew she had to retrieve them before it was too late. She asked Mr. Haymond to go with her.

The house was empty when they arrived, and Shari wriggled in through the old doggy door. She gathered up a “measly little bag of memories” (239) and wept for the family and life she had lost.

One day, Shari received a message from her Aunt Julie, who had recently moved to the area and wanted to connect. Her message “felt like a lifeline” (240), and Shari soon found herself having dinner with Julie and Ruby’s other sisters. Their reconnection was “intense,” and Shari felt overwhelmed by her aunts’ questions. However, they, too, had been cut off by Ruby, and Shari found a sense of family again.

One night, Shari was watching a true crime show about a woman who was killed by her abusive, “controlling” boyfriend. She thought of Derek’s obsessive text messages and “guilt-tripping.” She longed for her father’s protection and began to pray for a sign that she needed to leave the “situation” she was in with Derek. The next morning, she woke with the words “it ends now” clear in her head. She immediately texted her bishop and went to her aunt’s house, leaving her phone behind so Derek couldn’t track her. She confessed her story to her aunt and uncle, who insisted they “support[ed] [her] no matter what” (244).

She returned to pick up her phone, finding the expected “barrage” of messages from Derek, and returned to her aunt’s house. She assured Derek she was fine and that she was spending the day with her aunt and had forgotten her phone. He suspected she was sad to be alone on her birthday, and soon his car appeared outside Julie’s house. He deposited a pile of gifts beside Shari’s car before driving off. Shari apologized profusely, but her aunt insisted she had done nothing wrong.

Back in her apartment, Shari was too distressed to hide the situation from her roommates. In tears, she confessed everything to the conservative LDS girls she lived with, telling them she “was a fornicator, an adulteress, a sinner” (246). Instead of judgment, the girls responded with compassion, promising to stand by her as she took the final step of ending things with Derek. She sent him the text, then blocked his number. Her roommates remembered it was her birthday and insisted they celebrate.

The next day, Shari made her confession to her bishop over Zoom. The bishop also responded with compassion, but deciding if she would face any retribution was the responsibility of the stake president. A few days later, she learned she would have her temple recommendation temporarily taken away. Derek faced no consequences, and Shari lost her faith in male authority figures.

She thought the ordeal was over until she started receiving more texts and emails from Derek through a variety of numbers and addresses. She saw his truck drive by her apartment once and was constantly afraid he was going to “take” her.

In the spring of 2023, Shari visited her elderly paternal grandparents and finally told them that Kevin had moved out and the well-being of her siblings was in question. She was “stuck in a nightmarish loop” (254) while trying to get the authorities involved. Utah had recently passed a new law that redefined neglect to allow parents to give their children more independence, but this made intervening in potentially dangerous situations more complicated for welfare workers.

Meanwhile, Jodi and Ruby’s videos on the ConneXions parenting Facebook group were becoming more alarming, describing, for example, violent techniques to discipline children. She wished Kevin would do something to protect her siblings, but word had reached her that he had recently resigned from the university.

In addition to this stress, Shari was struggling to find a new place to live. Derek had co-signed a lease for her before she ended things; the landlord was understanding and let her cancel, but she still had to find somewhere new. Luckily, by the start of the new semester, she was settled into a room in a shared apartment. She felt a huge relief that Derek no longer knew where she lived, but she was still “drowning in the unending chaos of [her] life” (257). She was “nearly broken” but continued “clinging to hope with a desperation that surprised even [her]” (257). However, watching another true crime documentary about an LDS family whose children went missing, Shari was consumed with the fear that her siblings wouldn’t survive if they didn’t get help soon.

Through her therapy, medication, and dedicated work on herself, Shari was discovering new strength. She was no longer afraid of standing up for herself or her siblings, and she continued calling DCFS until her neighbor called to announce that the police were at the Franke house.

Shari’s two youngest siblings were found locked up at Jodi’s house. Both Jodi and Ruby were arrested on multiple counts of aggravated child abuse. Shari felt “numb,” shocked and horrified by what her siblings had been forced to endure, but she continued to tell herself that the ordeal was over. They were safe, and Jodi and Ruby would be held accountable.

All four of Shari’s younger siblings were taken into DCFS custody, and Ruby and Jodi were transferred to a correctional facility in Hurricane, Utah. Kevin was also brought in for questioning. He explained that he “separated from [his] wife and family” to “confront his own ‘addictions’” (264). His only role over the past year had been to provide financially for the family. He was shocked to learn the state his two youngest children had been found in but was also concerned to learn what would happen to Ruby.

Ruby called Kevin from jail, claiming she was “misunderstood” by everyone, and Kevin promised to stand by her. Ruby also continued to insist that her children were fine even though their state was “shocking” to anyone else who saw them.

Shari went to retrieve some personal items from the house. While there, she logged into Ruby’s laptop and read some journal entries that discussed the “physical” nature of her relationship with Jodi. She wandered into her parents’ bedroom, where Ruby’s jewelry box still sat on her dresser. Both of Ruby’s engagement rings were there, the simple band Kevin had proposed with and the gaudier “upgrade” he had given her when their channel took off.

Shari wondered if Ruby had ever truly loved Kevin and slipped the rings onto her own finger, where they served as a reminder of “a past [Shari] couldn’t allow [her]self to forget” (268). She vowed to never forget what Ruby had done.

Kevin, who was still “brainwashed” by Jodi and Ruby, tried to have Shari arrested for burglary for taking things from the house. Shari just felt “sorry” for him and gave all the items back.

Meanwhile, Shari was undergoing “an unexpected emotional storm” (270). She was overcome with guilt about her involvement with Derek, even though it had been over for months, and couldn’t understand why she continued thinking about him, especially in the light of her family drama. Dana helped her understand that “Ruby had implanted […] very effective mechanisms for intense guilt, shame, and self-loathing,” and Shari was experiencing the “real-world […] repercussions of this conditioning” (270). Even though Ruby was out of Shari’s life, the consequences of her childhood were still affecting her.

One afternoon, Ruby called Chad from prison while Shari was with him. With the speakerphone on, Ruby undertook “a twisting of faith so profound it bordered on blasphemy” (272), comparing herself to Christ on the cross. She had publicly begun referring to her arrest as a “miraculous intervention” that allowed her to see Jodi’s toxic influence. However, she had already pled guilty to abusing her children and was facing up to 30 years in prison.

Shari decided to gather examples of Ruby’s abuse from the 8 Passengers archive, calling on their community of former fans to help. Suddenly, the “intimate family moments” that Ruby had gladly exploited were being used as “proof of her mean and bizarre parenting philosophies” (273).

Kevin had finally returned to the family home. He was “haunted” by the past but had begun therapy and was preparing to take responsibility for his children. In an effort to “turn Ruby’s house into a home” (275), he adopted two new puppies and purged Ruby’s stockpile of canned goods and freeze-dried food.

By Christmas, the children were still in DCFS custody, and Kevin and Sheri spent the holiday alone. One evening Kevin told Shari he’d “always wanted to get a cat” (276). They hopped in the car and returned with a kitten for each of them.

Ruby was sentenced on February 20th, 2024, and Shari, Chad, and Kevin drove four hours to attend. The courtroom was full of media as Ruby gave her statement, describing how Jodi had “deceived” her and “thanking” everyone involved in her arrest for saving her from the “hell” she was in. Shari remembered a childhood performance of Frozen that she had organized with her siblings and wondered if prison might be a chance for Ruby to “[l]et go of the curse of control” and come back as someone “who understood the meaning of love” (281). However, Shari realized that this was an unrealistic wish. She knew that she was the one who “would have to learn to ‘let it go’” (281). She had to learn “to feel, to be imperfect, to love [her]self and others without judgment” to “[break] the cycles of fear and control” that Ruby had instilled (281).

Jodi, who was “painting herself as a prophet wrongly persecuted” (282), was sentenced next. Before passing down her sentence of 4-30 years in prison, the judge paused to remark on her detachment “from reality, common sense, and decency” (282). When she was led from the courtroom, Kevin, Chad, and Shari hurried through the crowd of reporters to the refuge of their car. They drove to a nearby cafe and shared lunch.

Ruby and Jodi’s sentencing was followed by a flood of media attention that worsened when the court released the case’s evidence to the public, including entries from Ruby’s diary that detailed the “twisted training program” (285) she and Jodi had devised for Shari’s two youngest siblings. Shari couldn’t bring herself to read it, and she was horrified by how the media was taking advantage of the real-life trauma her siblings had experienced.

In an attempt to “take control of the narrative” (286), Shari, Chad, and Kevin agreed to participate in a documentary film about their family. They sat down together for a film crew to capture their reaction to a 20/20 episode called “Ruby Franke: From Momfluencer to Felon.” The show included sensationalized photos of the children’s injuries they were seeing for the first time. Shari felt the show’s only “motive” was “to make a popular documentary and capitalize on a shocking news story” (286). They used her family’s very real pain to generate entertainment.

Shari wanted to do something to stand up to this exploitation. One of her solutions was to avoid speaking about her siblings publicly, including in this book. Their story should be theirs to share.

Ruby wrote to Shari from prison in August 2023. The letter was an attempt to connect with her daughter through nostalgic reminiscing about preparing Shari’s nursery and tidbits from her childhood. There was no apology or acknowledgment of “the deeper wounds” Ruby had caused (289).

Shari didn’t fully understand why until she began to learn about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is characterized by “a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and lack of empathy” (289). For true narcissists, believing “you are the universe” is “the only way your psyche can function” (289-290). Shari suggests that her mother was trapped in “a desperate, all-consuming need to maintain an image of perfection” to avoid facing existential threats (290).

Understanding these fundamental aspects of Ruby’s personality has helped Shari on her path to healing. Although it is painful to realize that one’s mother is incapable of unconditional love, it was “incredibly liberating” to understand that nothing Shari did could have changed the way her mother treated her. Shari occasionally wonders what might have happened if Ruby had been presented with options for her life besides motherhood, but she knows that her mother is a puzzle she will never truly solve.

In closing, Shari urges “awareness” as the first step to “deal with the Rubys of the world” (292). We must understand the complexities of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and trauma responses like fawning, and we should consider investigating “the questionable exploitative practice” of family vlogging (229). Recognizing patterns in her own life has helped Shari begin to heal, and she is determined to break old cycles and create “a new legacy” (293).

Sometimes, Shari feels sad imagining her mother alone in prison. She hopes that she will one day find “redemption,” that she will be able to support herself upon her eventual release and live a peaceful life “far away from” Shari and her family (293). Maybe she will even find “the courage to truly look within herself and begin the arduous journey of inner change” (293)

On a Sunday morning a year after Ruby’s sentencing, Shari heads off to share a dinner with her family. On her way, she receives a text from her bishop, letting her know that Derek is facing disciplinary action for his involvement with her. This is “a small victory,” but it has come far too late. Shari has already learned “that just because a church leader says something, doesn’t mean they’re right” (296). Outside the family house, she wonders if the place is still “home,” but hearing the sound of her siblings’ laughter spilling out, she knows wherever her family is, that is where she wants to be.

Shari recognizes some of the good things she inherited from her mother, but mostly, she feels she has grown into the woman she is today “not because of Ruby but in spite of her” (297). Shari is finally “genuinely happy” and making progress on her healing path. She still faces certain consequences of her trauma, but she is “proud” of everything she has survived and has her sights set on the future. She is committed to “trust[ing] the children” and learning from “their resilience, their wisdom, their limitless imagination, and their innate capacity for love” (297). Their innocence will help her to heal and “create a new story” (297).