The House We Grew Up In

Content Warning: This section of the guide contains discussion of death by suicide, mental illness, and death.

Gather initial thoughts and broad opinions about the book.

1. What strikes you most about how Jewell portrays family dysfunction compared to her other psychological thrillers? If you’ve read other works by Jewell such as The Family Upstairs, does her exploration of family secrets in The House We Grew Up In feel similar or different?

2. Which family member’s perspective resonated most strongly with you, and what made their viewpoint compelling throughout the story?

3. Why does Jewell reveal Rhys’s death by suicide early in the novel rather than saving it as a final twist? How did this choice affect your reading experience and your connection to the family’s subsequent struggles?

Encourage readers to connect the book’s themes and characters with their personal experiences.

1. Lorelei’s hoarding begins as a way to preserve memories and create security for her family. Have you ever found yourself holding onto objects for emotional reasons, and how do you decide what’s worth keeping versus what needs to go?

2. Each Bird family member feels responsible for Rhys’s death in different ways. When you’ve experienced loss or trauma in your family, have you noticed similar patterns of guilt and self-blame among relatives?

3. The novel shows how family members often need outside perspectives to see their situations clearly. Can you think of a time when a friend or outsider helped you gain clarity about a family dynamic you were too close to see objectively?

4. Beth stays home well into her 30s because she feels responsible for caring for Lorelei. How do you navigate the balance between caring for family members and pursuing your own independence and growth?

5. Forgiveness plays a crucial role in the family’s eventual reconciliation, particularly between Meg and Beth after the affair’s revelation. What factors do you think make forgiveness possible in families, even after significant betrayals?

6. Consider how different family members cope with trauma through escape, control, or avoidance. Which of these coping strategies do you recognize in yourself or others, and what healthier alternatives might you suggest?

Examine the book’s relevance to societal issues, historical events, or cultural themes.

1. Lorelei’s hoarding disorder goes untreated for decades, partly due to family members’ enabling behaviors and lack of understanding. How does the novel reflect broader societal challenges in recognizing and treating mental health conditions?

2. The Bird family’s tendency to scatter across the globe rather than address their trauma together reflects broader patterns in how families handle crisis. What does this suggest about contemporary family structures and support systems?

3. Colin’s relationship with Kayleigh and his role as Tia’s father figure challenges traditional family boundaries. How does the novel’s portrayal of these unconventional relationships reflect changing definitions of family in modern society?

Dive into the book’s structure, characters, themes, and symbolism.

1. Multiple timelines weave through the narrative, jumping between past and present. How does this structure enhance your understanding of the family’s dysfunction, and what would be lost if the story were told chronologically?

2. The Bird family home serves as both setting and symbol throughout the novel. How does the house’s physical deterioration mirror the family’s emotional state, and what does its eventual clearing represent?

3. Easter recurs as the backdrop for many pivotal family moments, from childhood celebrations to Rhys’s death. How does Jewell use this holiday’s themes of death and resurrection to underscore the novel’s exploration of trauma and healing?

4. Lorelei’s emails to Jim provide insight into her inner world while building suspense about family secrets. How does this epistolary element affect your connection to her character and the story’s pacing?

5. Birds appear throughout the novel as both family name and symbol. How does Jewell develop this motif to explore themes of escape, family bonds, and the difficulty of truly leaving the past behind?

6. Compare the contrasting homes of Lorelei and Meg—one chaotically cluttered, and the other sterile and minimal. What do these opposing environments reveal about how each woman processes trauma and attempts to control her world?

Encourage imaginative and creative connections to the book.

1. Imagine you’re designing a memory box for one of the Bird children to keep after clearing the house. What three objects would you choose to represent their childhood, and how might these items help them maintain positive connections to their family while moving forward?

2. The novel ends with the birth of Beth’s daughter, representing hope for the family’s future. If you were to write an epilogue set five years later, what changes would you envision for each family member, and how might they continue to heal from their shared trauma?

3. Suppose you could insert yourself as a family friend who witnesses the Bird family’s struggles over the years. At what point in the timeline would you intervene, and what advice or support would you offer to help them address their problems sooner?

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