The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

In this section, the Kellers explore the spiritual purpose of marriage and sexuality by using contrasts, biblical exegesis, and cultural critique. They argue that sex is not merely physical, but a covenant-renewing act meant for whole-life self-giving, and that chastity and fidelity reflect God’s design for intimacy. Through theological reflection, personal anecdotes, references to scholars, and metaphors, they guide readers toward a deeper understanding of the role of faith in shaping both love and commitment.

The authors employ contrast to critique opposing perspectives, engaging with different views before arriving at a biblically grounded conclusion. For example, in Chapter 7, they highlight the differences between Western and traditional cultures, Christian and secular ideals, emotional infatuation and comprehensive attraction, and surface-level dating culture and deep relational commitment. These juxtapositions highlight the distinctiveness of the Kellers’ Christian worldview. For example, the Kellers reject both traditional cultures that idolize family and modern secular culture that idolizes independence and personal fulfillment. Instead, the use contrast to position Christianity as offering a “third way,” where singleness is not seen as a curse or idolized as self-sufficiency, but rather understood as a God-given season or calling with purpose.

Biblical exegesis is another core strategy the authors use to anchor their arguments in scriptural authority. In Chapter 7, for example, the authors ground their argument in 1 Corinthians 7, interpreting Paul’s seemingly contradictory view of marriage and singleness in light of the theological axiom of “overlap of the ages” (193), where the kingdom of God is already present but not yet fully realized. This eschatological framework reframes Paul’s view of singleness, de-idolizes marriage, and elevates the goodness of singleness. Quoting theologian Stanley Hauerwas and referencing historical church practices, such as early Christian support for widows, also lends intellectual credibility and historical grounding to the argument that Christianity uniquely dignifies singleness.

The authors employ personal narrative to humanize abstract theological ideas and demonstrate Marriage as a Covenantal Relationship. Kathy’s “‘pearls before swine’ speech” (216), in which she confronts Tim about the ambiguity of their relationship, is an emotional turning point that illustrates the emotional toll of noncommittal relationships. Similarly, Chapter 8 incorporates vulnerable recollections from the authors’ early struggles with sex in their marriage, including performance anxiety, and the eventual shift toward self-giving intimacy. This narrative transparency demystifies the idealized notion of perfect sexual compatibility, reinforces the theme of mutuality, and models the practical outworking of grace and growth within real relationships. Their admission that “we started to dread having sex” (233), provides a raw entry point into how grace, patience, and a reorientation toward giving transformed their experience—thus reinforcing the theological framework through lived testimony.

The authors frequently use cultural critique to challenge prevailing societal norms and assumptions about love, sex, and identity. Instead, they propose Likening Marriage to Christ’s Relationship with the Church. For instance, in Chapter 7, they draw attention to how modern dating often becomes a “crass form of self-merchandising” (203), driven by idolatry of appearance and financial status. This rhetorical approach aims for diagnostic persuasiveness; it appeals to the reader’s lived experience while reframing it through a theological lens. The authors then suggest “comprehensive attraction”—attraction based not just on physical appeal but also on character, spiritual fruit, and shared vision—what C.S. Lewis called a shared “mythos.” Keller’s mention of conductor Leonard Bernstein’s reaction to famed 18th century composer Ludwig von Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony helps readers grasp the emotional depth of spiritual longing that should underlie Christian romance.

The Kellers refer to theological experts to give academic weight to their arguments and emphasize The Role of Gender in Relationships. For example, in Chapter 8, Tremper Longman’s observations on the woman’s dominant voice in the biblical Song of Solomon, and D.S. Bailey’s claim that Paul’s views were psychologically “exceptional by first-century standards” (225), both function to situate the Kellers’ claims in broader intellectual discourse. These references are carefully chosen to show that Christian views on sex are neither regressive nor prudish but radically affirming of embodied intimacy. 

The authors offer deeply theological pragmatic guidance. In Chapter 8, their commentary on 1 Corinthians 7:3–5, where Paul commands mutual sexual responsibility, highlights how Paul’s teaching undermines ancient patriarchy by giving wives sexual agency, a claim that aligns the biblical vision of sex with modern concerns about equity and consent. This reading is used to show that biblical teachings have always had radical implications.

The epilogue continues the book’s theological framework by framing marriage as a convergence of multiple kinds of love—romantic, friendly, dutiful—but insists that these forms cannot thrive without the deeper soil of divine love. This metaphor of the “watered ground” is multidimensional. Whether Christ’s love comes “like a wave,” “a mist,” or “gentle rain” (239), the emphasis is not on the sensory experience but on the sustaining result: a marriage that flourishes because it draws from an inexhaustible source. Citing 1 John 4:7–11, the Kellers conclude with a benediction—an invitation to become a vessel of God’s love by receiving it first. This circular vision of love—love from God received and then given to others—forms the theological and literary culmination of the entire book.