The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

The deep personal growth that occurs when men and women learn from each other’s distinct ways of thinking, communicating, and perceiving the world. While this concept is often experienced within the intimate context of marriage, the Kellers emphasize that it can also happen within strong Christian communities where men and women engage in honest, spiritually grounded relationships. The idea is that because men and women are created with different strengths and tendencies, their interactions—when marked by mutual respect and love—can refine, challenge, and enrich one another. This form of enrichment fosters a fuller image of God, as male and female were both created in His likeness. In the book, this term serves to promote an essentialist view of gender roles in Christian life to reflect God’s character and build spiritual maturity.

The deep sense of emotional security, connection, and joy that develops in a marriage built on commitment, sacrifice, and grace. Rather than being based on fleeting romantic feelings or immediate gratification, emotional wealth refers to the long-term richness that comes from two people knowing they are unconditionally loved and accepted despite their flaws. The Kellers argue that this kind of wealth is cultivated through continual acts of forgiveness, mutual service, and vulnerability within the framework of a covenantal relationship. Emotional wealth functions in the book as a counterpoint to the consumeristic and performance-based model of modern relationships; it emphasizes the enduring satisfaction that arises not from self-fulfillment but from investing in the emotional flourishing of one’s spouse. This concept reinforces the book’s overarching message that true intimacy is built over time, through steadfast love and spiritual growth.

Sometimes one spouse begins to give the emotional and practical devotion that belongs to their spouse to someone or something else. This could be a career, a child, a parent, or even a friend—any attachment that, while not inherently harmful, becomes so consuming that it rivals or replaces the centrality of the spouse in the marriage. The Kellers emphasize that many marriages don’t collapse because of explicitly bad things like infidelity or addiction, but because good things become ultimate things. For example, a husband might prioritize his parents’ opinions over his wife’s, or a wife may become more emotionally engaged with her children than with her husband. In these cases, the spouse is subtly but powerfully displaced by what the Kellers call a “pseudo-spouse”—the recipient of time, energy, emotional investment, and loyalty. The term is a diagnostic tool, helping readers recognize misaligned affections that undermine marital intimacy. It reflects the theological foundation of the book, which views marriage as a covenant requiring both partners to “leave and cleave,” prioritizing one another above all other earthly relationships​.