The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God

Timothy Keller confronts the myths, confusion, and disillusionment that make up modern views of marriage. He admits that marriage is far from the romanticized ideal many expect. It’s both beautiful and brutal—full of joy, yet marked by struggle. Keller points out that few truly grasp the depth and sacredness of what marriage was meant to be.

Western society has grown increasingly skeptical, even cynical, about marriage. Marriage rates have declined, cohabitation has risen, and young adults often fear marriage will lead to boredom or loss of freedom. Behind this shift is a cultural mindset that treats marriage as a tool for personal fulfillment rather than a lifelong commitment shaped by self-giving love. The modern pursuit of a soul mate—someone who meets all emotional, sexual, and lifestyle needs without demanding change—is both unrealistic and, paradoxically, a major reason why so many now fear or avoid marriage.

Keller challenges this thinking with empirical data and biblical wisdom. Research shows that people who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce, and that long-term marriages can and do become happy if couples persevere. The idea that most marriages are doomed or miserable is a distortion. Studies also show marriage provides emotional support and tangible benefits: economic stability, better health, and personal growth.

The modern view of marriage has shifted from understanding it as a covenant based on mutual promise, sacrifice, and character development, to seeing it as a consumer arrangement centered on personal happiness. This redefinition places overwhelming pressure on spouses to meet impossible expectations. Instead of seeing marriage as a partnership between two flawed people working toward something greater, many now seek someone who fits perfectly into their life. But as Keller points out, such people don’t exist. Everyone marries the wrong person because marriage changes people—and because everyone brings brokenness and selfishness into the relationship.

Using examples of real-life couples, including his friends, Keller illustrates how no relationship begins with perfect compatibility. In fact, what often looks like compatibility fades once real life sets in. Marriage is meant to transform both individuals, but this requires self-denial, patience, and grace—something that the Gospel of Jesus models and makes possible.

Keller compares marriage to the sacrificial love of Christ for the church. Just as Jesus gave himself up to serve and save us, spouses are called to give themselves for one another. This kind of mutual self-giving is the true power and pattern of Christian marriage. The Gospel, Keller argues, not only explains why marriage is so hard but also provides the tools to endure and thrive within it. Marriage, then, becomes a place of transformation where flawed people experience redemptive love from God and one another.

Timothy and Kathy Keller delve into what they call the true power for marriage: the work of the Holy Spirit and the transforming effect of the Gospel. They ground their message in Ephesians 5:21, which instructs spouses to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” (50) as the culmination of a larger sentence about what it means to be filled with the Spirit. That Spirit-filled life—marked by humility, gratitude, and mutual service—is essential to navigating the demands of marriage.

The authors argue that many people misread Paul’s teaching on submission in marriage, focusing prematurely on gender roles. But Paul’s first and primary point is spiritual: Both spouses must be empowered by the Spirit to put the other first. This kind of selfless service in marriage is the product of a heart changed by the Gospel—a heart that understands both its deep flaws and the depth of Christ’s love.

The Kellers challenge the cultural myth that marriage is about finding someone who will complete you. Instead, they argue that if two people come into marriage seeking to fill their emptiness through each other, they will only magnify each other’s neediness. Instead, each person must already be drawing their identity and security from Christ. Otherwise, they will look to their spouse to meet needs only God can satisfy—and when that doesn’t happen, the relationship will collapse under the weight of unrealistic expectations.

Timothy offers a personal story of a conflict between him and Kathy, revealing how pride can masquerade as virtue—even in serving others. He thought he was being noble by secretly expecting her to anticipate and meet his needs. But when she pointed out that his failure to express his desires robbed her of a chance to serve him, he recognized that true service requires vulnerability and humility. That moment highlighted for him how pride distorts even our best intentions and how the Gospel confronts that pride by reminding us we are saved by grace, not performance.

The chapter emphasizes that self-centeredness is the greatest threat to any marriage. Drawing from Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13, the authors show how love is incompatible with selfishness. Traits like impatience, irritability, and keeping score are symptoms of a heart curved in on itself. When two self-centered people respond to each other’s selfishness with more of the same, the marriage spirals into conflict and disconnection. But the Gospel creates what Keller calls “emotional wealth”—an inner fullness that allows one to be generous, even when love isn’t being reciprocated. This is the only way to break the cycle.

They also recognize that woundedness, whether from past relationships or family trauma, can make self-centeredness even more difficult to address. People who have been hurt often become preoccupied with their own pain, and this self-focus makes it difficult to see or respond to their partner’s needs. However, true healing, they argue, comes from seeing that even our wounds do not excuse selfish behavior and from allowing the Gospel to reshape our hearts.

The Kellers claim that every marital problem can ultimately be traced back to self-centeredness. The way forward, they say, is not a 50-50 negotiation but a 100-100 surrender, where each spouse commits to seeing their flaws as the primary issue and works to change regardless of what the other does. The chapter ends by reinforcing the idea that Spirit-filled selflessness is the only path to real love in marriage.