Aging parents face a dilemma: How do they pass down wealth to their children and avoid huge estate taxes when they pass away? Many lower-income adult children receive more gifts and inheritances than their wealthier siblings. Women who do not work are among the most frequent recipients of gifts from their parents.

The authors contrast two kinds of “housewives”: Type A and Type B. Type As are proactive, knowledgeable, and helpful to their aging parents, who see them as peers. Type Bs are more passive, needy, and dependent. The authors suggest that while Type A women benefit from parental gifts and use them wisely, Type B women take on the role of a helpless adult dependent. Many affluent parents feel strongly that women must have money of their own and doubt that their sons-in-law will properly support their daughters. Moreover, affluent parents socialize their daughters to prepare for the role of wife and mother, assuring them that they will provide for them through financial gifts. Stanley and Danko hypothesize that socialization, in combination with sexist bias, could be the reason why women earn less and are underrepresented among America’s top earners.

The authors describe a millionaire couple with two daughters, Beth and Ann. Beth and her husband always accept generous gifts, such as a home downpayment and annual money, from Beth's parents. As a result, the parents act in a controlling and condescending way toward them. They encourage the couple's high consumption lifestyle, but on their terms. In contrast, Ann and her husband reject the parents' many offers of “outpatient care” and support themselves. The authors feel they have more dignity and a good chance of giving their own children a proper financial model.

In another example, two sisters were socialized from a young age to marry and become subservient to their husbands, never working outside the home. One sister, Sarah, rejected this and left the family. She established a career in publishing and eventually married, continuing to work. As a result, her father cut her off completely. Sarah's sister, Alice, obeyed her father and married young, becoming a stay-at-home mother. While her father lavished her with money, she and her husband were penniless. At the end of their lives, millionaire Sarah helped their children and paid for their education. Sarah, the stronger sister, was further strengthened by being disowned by her father, while Alice, the weaker sister, was further weakened by her continued dependence.

The authors recall interviewing one Mr. Andrews. He was with a group of wealthy individuals. He stood out since he dressed in luxury clothing and spoke of his success and high-status possessions. Interestingly, he was the only man in the group who financially supported his adult daughters. The other, wealthier men raised women who worked and supported themselves. They agreed that the best way to give inheritances was in the form of carefully managed trusts and money for college education; choosing a qualified accountant to be a co-executor helps keep heirs from fighting over money. Mr. Andrews planned to force his son to buy his business while gifting money to his daughter. The wealthier men taught him that his plan could create tension in the family. They recommended hiring an expert and developing a fairer and more detailed plan.

The authors outline several lessons from the affluent about estate planning, including not telling your children you are wealthy, teaching them frugality and self-discipline, and not giving gifts as a negotiation tactic. Parents should respect adult children’s boundaries and not interfere or insist on giving gifts. Lastly, parents should teach their kids that money is just one part of life and that there are other, more important things to appreciate.

Stanley and Danko observe that non-working women handle their parents’ gifts very differently. Type As appreciate gifts but don't rely on them, while Type Bs badly require the support. This adds some nuance to the authors’ general argument that giving creates dependence. Here, the authors acknowledge that gift recipients have varying financial skills, work ethics, and self-sufficiency.

The authors show how men and women often receive different messaging about work and finances from their parents and society. They discuss how women may face discrimination in the workplace, such as not being promoted or receiving lower pay for the same work. At the same time, they argue that parents should raise their daughters to be as educated and self-sufficient as their sons.

Chapter Lessons

• It is unhelpful to socialize daughters to be financially dependent on their spouses or parents
• Plan your will with a trustworthy professional listed as co-executor
• Experiencing adversity helps people understand the value of money

Reflection Questions

• Was your financial education influenced by your gender? Would you raise your children the same way that you were?
• Do you believe adversity helps people appreciate money more? Have you experienced this?