The Next Day: Transitions, Change, and Moving Forward

This chapter centers on Melinda French Gates’s close friendship with Microsoft colleague John Nielsen. The friendship began in 1987 when French Gates, newly hired at Microsoft and the only woman in her cohort, found herself stranded with a flat tire during a work orientation in Seattle. She called John, a tall, red-haired colleague who had impressed her with his kindness during meetings. Nielsen immediately came to her rescue, beginning what would become one of the most significant relationships in her life. Nielsen established himself as a beloved executive at Microsoft, known for his vision, charismatic leadership, and ability to inspire colleagues. Melinda was dating Bill at the time, and she and Bill soon became close with John and his fiancée, Emmy.

French Gates references Wallace Stegner’s novel Crossing to Safety, which the foursome read together. She notes Stegner’s description of relationships between couples—they are relationships without formal structure, held together purely by mutual affection. Melinda, Bill, John, and Emmy continued their adventures together over the next decade, including memorable trips and regular social activities. John and Emmy also played crucial roles in supporting Melinda and Bill through their relationship, and the couples traveled together to East Africa, where Melinda and Bill made their pivotal decision to focus their Microsoft wealth on helping the world’s poorest people. John and Emmy stood in their wedding party in Hawaii on New Year’s Day 1994.

In December 1997, Nielsen called French Gates with devastating news: Doctors had discovered a tumor in his chest. Although he had survived testicular cancer as a teenager, this diagnosis of advanced non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma presented a far more serious threat. The diagnosis triggered profound sadness in French Gates, who felt helpless.

French Gates learned about “Ring Theory,” developed by psychologist Susan Silk, which provides a framework for supporting people in crisis. This theory involves drawing concentric circles with the person experiencing the crisis at the center, surrounded by rings representing increasingly distant relationships. The fundamental rule is “comfort in, dump out,” meaning support flows inward while complaints and emotional burdens flow outward (61). According to this framework, French Gates could seek comfort from others but could never burden John or Emmy with her own emotional needs regarding the situation.

Initially, John’s radiation treatment showed promise, but the cancer returned and spread rapidly. John and Emmy relocated to the University of Chicago for experimental treatments. During this period, French Gates, who was pregnant, offered to switch places with Emmy so she could spend time with her children while French Gates stayed with John in Chicago. French Gates describes how emotionally difficult it was to see her vibrant friend reduced to a shadow of his former self.

During her visit to Chicago, John made a request that would profoundly impact French Gates’s understanding of friendship and love. He asked her to ensure that Emmy would eventually find another best friend and encouraged her to support Emmy if she chose to remarry. This conversation demonstrated Nielsen’s characteristic selflessness and his concern for others even while facing death. French Gates connects this moment to a poem by Mark Nepo called “The Work of Care,” which concludes with the image of being “a greenhouse for each other.” She finds this metaphor particularly meaningful, suggesting that the most important service friends can provide is to create space within themselves for the qualities they admire in others to continue growing (65).

John entered hospice care as French Gates approached the end of her pregnancy. She describes the surreal experience of being suspended between anticipating her son’s birth and dreading her friend’s death. The final photograph French Gates has with John shows her just days after giving birth, holding her newborn son, Rory John Gates, on Nielsen’s lap. Nielsen died on a Saturday morning after Emmy spent the night with him. In his final moments, Emmy gave him permission to go, assuring him she would be okay.

French Gates explains grief through the work of psychologist Mary Frances O’Connor, who describes grief as the cost of loving someone. O’Connor’s research shows that loving relationships physically change brain connections, and when someone dies, the brain struggles to adjust to their absence. Grief becomes a form of learning as the brain adapts to a new reality.

John had asked Melinda and Bill to host his memorial service in their backyard because he wanted a warm, familiar setting. French Gates describes the profound experience of nursing her newborn during the memorial service while grieving her friend, feeling connected to the circle of life that connects all people. In the months following Nielsen’s death, French Gates supported Emmy through her grief. Emmy eventually remarried a man she had originally met through Nielsen, and her children grew up displaying various qualities that reminded others of their father. The chapter concludes with French Gates’s 2011 encounter at a meditation center with a woman who had worked under Nielsen at Microsoft. As they shared memories, French Gates felt Nielsen’s presence returning momentarily, realizing he was still bringing people comfort and making them feel special. This encounter transformed her perspective on missing Nielsen, suggesting that while his physical presence was gone, his impact continued through the people whose lives he had touched.