The Official We Do Not Care Club Handbook

Melani Sanders is a mother, wife, and social media creator who, in her mid-forties, found herself overwhelmed by perimenopause, the years-long hormonal transition leading up to menopause. On the morning of May 13, 2025, she sat in a Whole Foods parking lot in Florida, having rushed out disheveled and exhausted to buy an ashwagandha supplement and make a last-minute return. She caught her reflection in the rearview mirror: unstructured hair, an ill-fitting sports bra, no makeup. Instead of spiraling into frustration, she began to laugh. She simply did not care. Already an established content creator through her Facebook group, Momma Mel's Mommy Club, and her YouTube channel, Just Being Melani, Sanders recorded a spontaneous video asking viewers if they would join a new club for women who were done trying to be perfect. The video went viral within 20 minutes, and women worldwide began responding with their own declarations. The We Do Not Care Club, or WDNC, was born.

The Official We Do Not Care Club Handbook is Sanders's guide for the women who joined the movement. Part memoir, part survival manual, and part interactive workbook, the book weaves Sanders's personal story through thematic chapters on perimenopause, family life, body image, sleep and sex, work-life balance, and self-care. Sanders clarifies that "We Do Not Care" does not mean members lack compassion; the phrase represents a mindset shift in which women stop pressuring themselves to be perfect, to be liked, or to fit in, and instead prioritize honesty, rest, and self-acceptance.

The handbook's front matter establishes the WDNC's structure and ethos. A "Womanifesto" declares that members are tired of being polite about pain and carrying everyone's emotional load. A note to readers defines key terminology: perimenopause (years of fluctuating estrogen and irregular periods, beginning as early as the thirties), menopause (technically one day, when a woman has gone a full year without a period), and postmenopause (every day after, with symptoms potentially continuing into the eighties). Three club rules require members to talk openly without shame, respect the privacy of Sisters (fellow WDNC members), and maintain a No Judgment Zone. A gamified system of Pause Points and Pause Patches, modeled on Girl Scout badges, rewards small victories like getting out of bed or speaking one's truth.

Sanders's personal narrative forms the book's emotional spine. She grew up in College Park, Georgia, met Otis Sanders, her future husband, in college in Atlanta, and became pregnant unexpectedly despite having only one ovary and a heart-shaped uterus, conditions doctors said would prevent her from carrying to term. Their first son, Jaylen, was born when Sanders was 21, and two more sons, Justin and Jordan, followed. As a Black mother raising three Black boys in Florida, Sanders threw herself into homemaking with intense devotion, feeling the stakes of structure and manners were especially high.

Her path to perimenopause was shaped by medical trauma. At 11, she began experiencing menstrual cramps so severe she missed school, but pediatricians minimized her pain or suggested it was psychological, a pattern she identifies as disproportionately common for Black women and women of color. At 13, exploratory surgery found nothing, but doctors eventually diagnosed ovarian torsion, a condition in which large cysts cause an ovary to twist and lose its blood supply. Sanders had the dead ovary removed. Years later, after three pregnancies and cesarean sections, fibroids on her bladder required a hysterectomy. No one warned her that the procedure would induce perimenopause. She figured it out on her own, partly with help from ChatGPT.

Within months, Sanders experienced brain fog, insomnia, hot flashes, mood swings, frozen shoulder, and a severe depression that confined her to a dark bedroom with blackout curtains. She withdrew from her family and lost the spark that had defined her. In an unexpected silver lining, her family rose to the occasion, doing laundry, cooking meals, and learning not to disturb her, proving that families can step up when the person who manages everything steps back.

Each chapter follows a consistent format: expert contributions from advisors including Dr. Mary Claire Haver (author of The New Menopause), Dr. Sharon Malone (author of Grown Woman Talk), and beauty mogul Bobbi Brown; a personal essay from Sanders; interactive activities; and profiles of "Honorary WDNC Members Throughout History," women who defied conventions, from Queen Elizabeth I to Rosa Parks to Julia Child.

On medical dismissal, Sanders recounts being sent to a hormone specialist who reviewed her bloodwork, told her everything looked fine, and sent her away without treatment. She argues that hormone levels fluctuate daily during perimenopause, making it essential for doctors to treat symptoms rather than lab results. Dr. Malone stresses that Black women face earlier onset, more severe symptoms, and longer menopausal transitions while being less likely to receive hormone therapy.

On body image, Sanders describes years of refusing to wear sleeveless tops after surgery left scars under both arms. One morning, with only a tank top clean, she put it on and walked outside. Nobody noticed. She extended this liberation to a beach trip with her best friend Keisha, wearing just a bathing suit for the first time without a cover-up. She frames the experience as emblematic of the WDNC message: Much of the judgment women fear exists only in their own minds. She also advocates honest self-assessment, acknowledging that she gained weight from poor eating habits rather than blaming perimenopause alone, and that she had to break a habit of relying on wine to cope.

The chapter on sleep and sex addresses insomnia strategies (a cooling mattress, magnesium glycinate, the thermostat at 68 degrees) alongside the pain many women experience during intercourse due to vaginal dryness and loss of elasticity, a cluster of symptoms known as genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM). Sanders candidly discusses her fears before the hysterectomy about losing sexual function, her relief afterward, and her pragmatic approach to maintaining intimacy with Otis. Otis himself contributes a message advising partners to listen, anticipate needs, and view the changes as an opportunity rather than a problem.

On work-life balance, Sanders introduces the "Menopause Penalty," which, like the Motherhood Penalty, drives women out of the workforce at the peak of their careers. She presents findings from "The Unstoppable Workforce," a study by Lauren Brody's firm The Fifth Trimester in partnership with Midi, a virtual menopause care company, showing that appropriate treatment helps women stay in their careers and triggers broader healthy behaviors that benefit employers. Sanders redefines "having it all" for midlife, arguing that women must accept evolving priorities rather than clinging to an all-or-nothing standard.

The self-care chapter establishes Sanders's nonnegotiable Thursday ritual: sitting at the beach at sunrise with a folding chair and a book. She describes a pink self-care kit inspired by her mother's tradition of sending birthday boxes filled with small comforts. Sanders fills her own box with face masks, lotion, and her journal, pulling it out whenever she needs to prioritize herself. She frames self-care not as indulgence but as the oxygen mask one puts on first. Dr. Traci Baxley, an expert on belonging, argues that the WDNC functions as a "blueprint of belonging in action," giving women's nervous systems permission to rest.

In her closing message, Sanders reflects on the improbability of a parking-lot moment igniting a global movement. She urges readers to pursue whatever dream they have been dismissing, to do it scared, and to be seen. She envisions a future in which women proactively discuss perimenopause with their doctors, partners offer support without being asked, and the shame surrounding menopause gives way to open conversation. The book's back matter includes form letters, cut-out membership cards, and a call to political action urging members to support the Advancing Menopause and Mid-Life Women's Health Act, a bipartisan bill introduced by female senators in May 2024 that did not pass.