The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth

Chapter 1 of Part 2 states that self-discipline and personal growth require love. Peck defines love as the will to extend yourself “for the purpose of nurturing [your] own or another’s spiritual growth” (81). Practicing and experiencing real love requires you to be aware of love’s circularity, to love yourself, and to exert effort. Studying love in its various forms can help you love in more genuine, expansive ways.

Chapter 2 warns that while falling in love is exciting and all-consuming, it is not real love. Falling in love is related to sexual motivation and desire and is therefore defined by lust and infatuation. While this is part of the human experience, it doesn’t encapsulate lasting love. This “honeymoon phase” cannot last because it requires letting go of ego boundaries, which is “an act of regression” (87). These boundaries will naturally return when two people fall out of love, as humans are not meant to be fully immersed in and dependent on each other. Therefore, be aware of when you fall in and out of love, and don’t hold love to this impossible standard. Instead, let your love evolve.

In Chapter 3, Peck argues that romantic love is a sociocultural myth that is designed to lead people into marriage and child-rearing. As a result, people may find themselves in unsustainable relationships. Remember that intimate relationships shouldn’t be entered to satisfy anyone else’s desires but your own. If you are either too distant from or too closely coupled with your partner, the relationship may become unhealthy.  

In Chapter 4, Peck asserts that although falling in love is not the same thing as genuine love, it is nonetheless essential to developing authentic intimacy. Peck identifies the phenomenon of falling in love as “cathexis,” or the “process of attraction, investment and commitment” (94). When you fall in love with someone, you “cathect” them, or psychologically incorporate them into your psyche. While you won’t retain the infatuation stage forever, the person that you cathect becomes an essential part of how you relate to the world. Over time, you develop more sustainable ways of caring for the person you love. This requires maintaining those very ego boundaries you temporarily let down when you fell in love. Love, therefore, changes how people think, feel, and perceive.

Chapter Lessons

• As the motivating force behind all aspects of healthy living, love requires effort and concerted action, and it is essential to growing as a person.
• Falling in love can lead two people to feel overly dependent on each other, while sustainable love means maintaining healthy boundaries.
• Be aware of how the myths you’ve grown up with have influenced your perspective on romance, and focus on fostering healthy forms of attachment with your partner.
• Cathexis is the process of taking another person into your psychology and letting them change how you see yourself and the world around you.

Reflection Questions

• How does love manifest in your life? From whom do you receive love, and how can you learn from these relationships?
• Do you agree with Peck that falling in love isn’t the same as real love? Which aspects of this argument do or do not resonate with your experience, and why?
• Reflect on your current or most recent intimate relationship. How does this relationship compare and contrast to your expectations of romance? What lessons has the relationship taught you about love?
• Is there a person who you’ve cathected or has cathected you? How has this experience altered your life?