The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth

Chapter 5 asserts that dependence on a romantic partner is not the same as healthy, genuine love. Peck asserts that although it is natural for everyone to crave love, care, and support, people must be careful not to perceive their intimate partners as pseudo-parental figures, nor should they attach themselves to their partners to give their own lives meaning. Oftentimes, maladaptive forms of dependency originate from lopsided parental relationships. Clinging to a partner for support that you didn’t receive in childhood will only limit your partner’s capacity and your own.

Chapters 6 deals with the idea that real love only applies to human relationships. While people might say that they love an object, hobby, or pet, Peck believes that these relationships aren’t the same as human-to-human relationships because only humans can love reciprocally. In human relationships, it is also important not to objectify or dehumanize the person you love. For example, Peck warns against calling a loved one by the epithet of “pet,” which is a diminutive nickname suggesting ownership and powerlessness. Instead, genuine love allows for both parties’ spiritual growth.

Chapter 7 asserts that to foster and sustain healthy relationships, people must be aware of how much they are giving to those they love. If people give too much, they might be disempowering their loved ones and endangering their own mental health. Peck recommends examining your home environment growing up and considering how your parental relationships may have set a precedent for your current family dynamics. Remember to take responsibility for your actions, as love shouldn’t require you to give up all of your time and energy without reciprocity.

Chapter 8 states that while love is an emotion at the heart of cathexis, it is an action rather than a feeling. Peck asserts that love requires active participation, because you must choose to commit yourself to another person. Even when you don’t feel love toward someone, you may still love them and make choices to show them love. Distinguishing between feeling and action in relationships can lead to healthier forms of attachment.

Chapter Lessons

• Healthy relationships are defined by mutual support and assistance, so it is important not to rely on your partner for a sense of self or as a survival mechanism.
• Genuine and lasting love requires reciprocity and equanimity, so it is important to treat love as a sacred experience and respect your partner as an equal.
• Positive, loving relationships require a division of responsibility, and prioritizing your own needs is just as essential as supporting your loved ones with their needs.
• Even if you don’t feel love toward someone you care about, you can still choose to show them affection, kindness, and care.

Reflection Questions

• Examine your current or most recent romantic relationship. How has dependency functioned in this relationship? Are there areas where you’ve needed to take more responsibility for yourself?
• Do you agree with Peck that real love can only exist between humans? How does your personal experience inform your thinking?
• Do you have relationships in which you feel that you are giving too much? How did this pattern begin, and how might you amend it?
• How might your acceptance of Peck’s outlook on love fuel the evolution of your engagement in your intimate relationships? What action steps can you take to foster more authentic forms of intimacy?