The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth

Chapter 9 asserts that love requires care and intention. To build sustainable, loving relationships, Peck stresses the importance of paying attention and listening. Listening can feel exhausting or bothersome. However, when we fully attune ourselves to our loved ones, we’re showing them that they are valuable and worthy. This applies to parental, spousal, and platonic relationships. Putting in the work to listen to our loved ones will transform our relationships.

Chapter 10 states that love requires risk. If you take the risk to love another genuinely, you will be able to face your fears, discover your courage, and grow as a person. Peck gives one of his clients as an example. She chose to self-isolate and avoid social interaction because she was too afraid to open herself to others. This phenomenon, Peck argues, originates from a fear of death. If the individual opens herself to love, she opens herself to loss. However, this risk creates opportunities for joy.

In Chapter 11, Peck argues that growing up is another risk the individual must take to pursue personal growth. He defines “growing up” as the process of transitioning from childhood into adulthood. Although a familiar concept, he argues that it’s difficult to let go of our youthful tendencies, parental dependencies, or adolescent insecurities. However, growing up means taking your life into your own hands and pursuing your destiny on your own terms. To grow up, you must love and value yourself. Your life is your own and you have the power to pursue your own relationships and dreams.

Chapter 12 emphasizes commitment as a key tenet of loving relationships. Children need to feel that their parents are committed to their care. Spouses want to feel that their partners are committed to their life together. Oftentimes, Peck argues, an adult might feel insecure in her adult relationships because she didn’t feel secure as a child. This fear of abandonment can permeate the individual’s relationships throughout her life. Reciprocal commitment is thus required to foster healthy, loving relationships. There is risk involved, but without commitment, relationships can’t last.

Chapter 13 addresses the contention that healthy, loving relationships require humility. To sustain genuine love, you must be open to honest and open forms of communication. Allow yourself to express your beliefs and opinions to your partner. Be open to hearing your partner’s opinions, too. Confronting each other will be difficult, but it’s essential to evolving alongside the person you love.

Chapter Lessons

• If you want to feel love, show the people you care about that you value their time, opinions, and passions.
• Love is risky and requires courage, but the more interpersonal challenges you accept, the more possibilities for joy and love you’ll discover.
• Letting go of your childhood self is an essential form of self-discovery and self-love; when you value yourself, you’re better able to pursue your dreams and realize your destiny.
• Making the choice to commit to another person can be scary but is absolutely essential to forming loving relationships.
• Talk to your partner or loved ones about things that are bothering you, and be open to listening to your partner or loved one’s thoughts, as these practices will facilitate trust.

Reflection Questions

• What aspects of your intimate relationships require the most attention and work? Are you assuming these responsibilities? Can you invest more deeply in these relationships?
• Are there areas in your life in which you are letting fear dictate your behavior? How might facing your fears open you to new experiences and help you to grow?
• Reflect on your own growing-up experience. What were the hardest aspects of this journey, and why? Are there areas where you still need to grow up? How might you approach these stages of maturation?
• In your experience, what is the scariest part of commitment? Why does fear play into your regard for commitment, and how might you interrogate these insecurities?
• What role does communication play in your intimate relationships? How might you pursue healthier forms of communication per Peck’s guidelines?