The Story She Left Behind

“She disappeared twenty-five years ago when I was eight years old, and still my mother appeared to me every day. […] Because of that pervasive energy, I created something in my life that was mine alone. My art was just that—my private place, my passion, my refuge from the larger world that no one else could touch. Or so I believed.”

Decades after Bronwyn disappears from Clara’s life, Clara remains connected to her. The way she meditates on Bronwyn in this passage captures The Indelible Bonds Between Mothers and Daughters. At the same time, Clara is desperate to establish her life and identity outside the context of Bronwyn’s “pervasive energy.” She fears that she’ll never get Bronwyn back and thus wants a life independent from her mother’s memory.

“I laughed. The key to Mother’s lost words? A prank, a ploy to get me to talk and give away what I knew about her sequel. I’d been here before. I exhaled in relief. This was most assuredly a man who wanted information I didn’t have. Dad and I often received letters and calls, though not as many lately.”

Clara’s response to Charlie’s phone call conveys her fear of hoping that her mother will return. She has heard many people claim that they have information about Bronwyn’s fate and missing papers; she therefore knows not to put any real stock into Charlie’s claims. At the same time, Clara’s dismissive tone captures her self-protective instincts. She wants this call to be different but is afraid to hope because it could open her up to hurt again.

“If I truly didn’t care anymore, as I’d told everyone for years, then why was my heart rolling over, my skin prickling, my throat clogging with tears? Why did hope rise like some disquieted bird from its nest?”

Clara uses metaphorical and figurative language to communicate her complex emotional experience. She feels as if her heart is “rolling,” her skin is “prickling,” and her throat is “clogging.” These verbs convey a volatile internal experience. Furthermore, Clara likens her hope of finding her mother to a bird rising out of its nest. This imagery evokes notions of springtime, new life, and possibility—all of which Clara feels in association with finding her mother.

“Time was lost when I found myself here; minutes and hours were no longer real in the way I understood them in daily life. Time collapsed in on itself and images rose. Instead of finding something, I was letting it find me. The images came for me instead of my pursuing them.”

The way Clara feels while painting conveys Artistic Creation as a Form of Self-Expression and Self-Discovery. When she is working, time and space disappear. She is free to immerse herself in her imaginary worlds and the images she is creating. She describes her images as presences that are visiting her—a notion that conveys the mysterious nature of her artistic practice and its effect on her psyche.

“‘No,’ I answered quickly. ‘We are not. She left when I was eight years old; she’s a mystery to us, just as she is to the rest of the world. But…’ I shrugged and tilted my head toward Wynnie. ‘A child’s heart never gives up hoping.’”

Clara staves off hope in this scene of dialogue because she’s trying to project her own heart. She asserts that she and Wynnie aren’t searching for Bronwyn because she’s an unsolvable mystery. At the same time, she acknowledges that Wynnie still believes they might find her. The latter line is a double entendre—the child whom Clara is referring to is Wynnie, but Clara is also Bronwyn’s child. She’s therefore referring to her insatiable longing.

“Here was the thing with an object that had held a mythical quality for all your life: it was just an object when it all came down to it. A beat-up leather case with an eagle-shaped brass buckle. It didn’t shimmer, nor did a golden light rise from its center whispering, Here are all the answers you’ve been seeking.”

Retrieving Bronwyn’s leather satchel from Charlie captures The Impact of the Past on the Present. The satchel represents Clara’s unresolved past (and specifically Bronwyn’s unresolved fate). When she sees it again, she hopes that it will resolve her internal unrest and offer her “the answers she’s been seeking.” The satchel ultimately can’t do this for her, as it is only an inanimate object. However, Clara wishes that it would “shimmer” or that “a golden light” would rise out of it; her magical thinking here conveys all the hope she has attached to the object.

“I’d been more worried about finding my mother’s lost satchel than I was cautious about my daughter’s health. Guilt flooded my mouth with a metallic fear. No matter how I’d like to prove that I was not my mother’s daughter, here I was making mistakes that proved I cared more about other things than Wynnie.”

Clara’s internal monologue reveals the entanglement of her relationship with Bronwyn and her relationship with Wynnie. Clara is berating herself for failing to take care of Wynnie because Bronwyn never took care of her. The statement “Guilt flooded my mouth with a metallic fear” employs metaphor to depict Clara’s guilt as a tangible, overwhelming force in her mouth and relies on sensory language—specifically taste—to convey the sharp, unsettling taste of fear. She doesn’t want to repeat her mother’s mistakes; she doesn’t want Bronwyn to affect her mother-daughter relationship with Wynnie. At the same time, the wounds of her past constantly tinge her life in the present. Because she hasn’t reconciled with the hurt that Bronwyn caused her, she unconsciously repeats these mistakes with Wynnie.

“I wanted to reach out and hug Charlie, but he seemed unapproachable, a man unto himself. Who was I to think that he’d want me to hold him? I sensed some old hurt in him, the same that was in me, but that was most likely fancy thinking. He was a stranger, and I knew better than to put my own rising feelings onto someone else. I’d learned my lessons about attractions—I couldn’t be trusted with them.”

Clara’s reflective tone conveys her longing for comfort, support, and intimacy. She feels connected to Charlie and instinctively wants to relate to him physically. At the same time, she questions and invalidates her feelings. She does so because she’s afraid of letting people in. Her broken familial relationships and fraught marital experiences inform her trepidations in the present. This passage thus reiterates the impact of the past on the present.

“This catastrophe was his responsibility. He’d brought this woman and child here. He could have taken the papers to her in America, couldn’t he have? If he’d known, if he’d only known. He felt a guilty twist in his gut. He wanted to care for her, protect her and her child.”

Charlie’s internal reflections on his feelings for Clara and Wynnie foreshadow the family life that the three will ultimately establish together. Charlie doesn’t know Clara or Wynnie well at this point in the novel, but he already feels connected to them. His inexplicable desire to “care for” and “protect” them exemplifies his loving nature and portends his coming investment in their lives.

“But I was past myself now, above my body and outside of the normal concepts of time and place. The words of my mother were disappearing, and it felt as if I were losing her again and again. The pages fluttered across the water, lit by a setting sun.”

The way that Clara responds when the woman steals the leather satchel captures her attachment to the object. She says that she is “past herself,” figurative language that suggests that she is vacating her body and identity. Her desperation to retrieve the satchel is so intense because she associates the object with her mother’s life and memory. Losing the satchel is like losing Bronwyn again.

“Sometimes, busy with his life and concerns, he forgot to stop and notice the sheer beauty of this place. Through Wynnie’s eyes he again noticed the mosaic of crags, fells, and lake, a dramatic beauty that changed with every cloud cover and blue sky.”

Charlie’s internal monologue captures Wynnie’s and the Lake District’s positive impacts on his character. Charlie is intimate with this setting, but he experiences it anew in this scene. Wynnie’s presence compels him to slow down and forget his “life and concerns.” Wynnie is indeed a source of joy throughout the novel, and she particularly softens Charlie’s heart.

“Frost surrounded the window frames, and I breathed on the pane and fogged the glass. I set my hand against it, creating a handprint, as if proving I was real in a geography so far removed from the dailyness of my life that I felt free-floating, separate from myself, as if I stood outside the window looking in at myself.”

Clara’s arrival at the Lake District house ushers her toward healing and renewal. She studies the landscape and tries to orient herself to her new circumstances. This beautiful environment challenges her to reflect on who she is and what she wants. She puts her hand on the foggy windowpane because she is trying to ground herself in the present moment. At the same time, the image of her looking at herself from “outside the window” evokes notions of doubling and mirroring—the image thus foreshadows Clara’s reunion with Bronwyn. She is the presence that Clara carries with her.

“Somehow my mother had brought me here, even if this was not what she’d meant to do, and in every note of the conversation I looked for hints and clues of how we all might be connected: no matter how different we all seemed, I felt my mother hiding in the crevices of this family.”

The Jameson family contributes to Clara’s personal growth and healing journey. Clara has yet to understand how Charlie, Pippa, Archie, and Callum knew her mother, but simply being in their presence makes her feel hopeful. Their generosity and hospitality afford Clara the internal calm she needs to solve the mystery surrounding Bronwyn. Furthermore, the reference to Bronwyn “hiding in the crevices of this family” foreshadows Clara and Bronwyn’s coming reunion.

“Language carries our sense of self, and it’s possible she felt that the language she knew wasn’t enough. But every language, every story, every song, is built on the ones before it. Some words migrate across countries and centuries. I see the roots of other languages in your mother’s words, and she has also made them her own.”

Charlie’s reflections on language and Bronwyn’s stories reiterate artistic creation as a form of self-expression and self-discovery. Bronwyn had rarely felt accepted or understood by the world around her. She therefore used language to make sense of her experience. Words were also her way of making sense of the past and her place in it.

“I was lost in that kiss, forgetting all that brought me here. The anxiety of the past days fell away, a waterfall over a cliff. It had been so long since I’d felt this need, this unrelenting desire. So long. I’d been waiting for this, I now understood. Waiting for this every day since he arrived at the flat with his drum case.”

Clara and Charlie’s unexpected intimate relationship offers both characters renewal and healing. While kissing Charlie, Clara’s anxieties and fears “fall away.” She compares her relieved feelings to “a waterfall over a cliff.” This metaphor evokes notions of freedom, fluidity, and natural movement—all of which she experiences during this moment of intimacy. The kiss also helps Clara identify her feelings, thoughts, and needs for the first time. She owns her desire for love and the relief she feels in finding it.

“I think there is another world inside this world. Many worlds, to be accurate. Mother wrote about them, but the images I draw aren’t cut from the fabric of the world we see every day. Instead they come from a hidden place, a realm more fantastical, a bit more elusive and I hope incandescent.”

The way that Clara describes her painting in this scene of dialogue underscores artistic creation as a form of self-expression and self-discovery. When Clara paints, she accesses an alternative version of reality. She, in turn, conveys the more “fantastical” and “mystical” aspects of human experience. Painting frees her and offers her a gateway into newness and understanding.

“‘It was so interesting to see where she lived,’ I said about Hill Top. ‘I had imagined something grander. Isn’t that silly? I mean, we make our art from whatever life we have. It doesn’t need to be grand to make something beautiful.’”

Clara’s conversational reflections on her visit to Beatrix Potter’s house reiterate the importance of art to her identity. Clara is reflecting on another female artist’s life and work, but these concerns provide insight into her experience. Clara is still learning what it means to be an artist and to create out of the life and experiences she has. This moment captures her internal evolution and foreshadows her coming decision to stay in Cumbria and make a life there with Charlie.

“An opening appeared inside me that felt something like forgiveness or maybe something even larger, like acceptance. If the remaining words were all I had left of her, then so be it. ‘When the sky breaks open; transformation that changes you into who you are meant to be; into your very essence.’ I recited the meaning of talith as if it were tattooed onto me.”

Clara’s internal monologue conveys her desire to reconcile with her past experiences. She doesn’t want to live her life out of the hurt that Bronwyn caused her. She thus decides to paint one of Bronwyn’s definitions to resolve her internal unrest. This idea creates an “opening” inside of her like “forgiveness” or “acceptance”—an internal change that conveys Clara’s gradual work to move beyond her trauma and embrace healing.

“Sometimes his father and Clara’s mother seemed to say in unison the same thing in different ways: the internal landscape of the soul needs to belong to oneself before it can be shared with others. Some creations were for the creator and no one else.”

Charlie’s reflections on Callum’s and Bronwyn’s characters and work reiterate artistic creation as a form of self-expression and self-discovery. Both Callum and Bronwyn had an intimate relationship with language and story. In this passage, Charlie realizes how art offered both the belonging that they didn’t otherwise feel in their lived experiences.

“The woman took two steps toward us, smiling. Not until she dropped her pruning scissors, not until she let out a cry, not until she fell to her knees, did I know. The world peeled away: the cold and the wondering, the fear and the irritation. I was a child, I was a woman, and I was myself. I was a daughter and a mother.”

Henry’s use of language in this passage enacts Clara’s shock and excitement upon reuniting with Bronwyn. She likens the surprise of seeing her mother again after 25 years to the feeling of the world “peeling away.” This imagery emphasizes that everything Clara has known immediately dissipates. The metaphor also describes reality fading in light of Bronwyn’s presence. Henry uses comma splices and anaphora in the final two lines of the passage—formal techniques that enact Clara’s attempt to orient to the moment.

“I have loved you all my days. Every day. Everything I have painted or created or taught has been for you. It will be and is nearly impossible to understand why a woman who loves her daughter would leave her daughter, but I will do my best to explain. Everything I have done since the day I left has been for you, an amends, a restoration of my soul—the language and the art.”

Bronwyn’s lines of dialogue capture the indelible bonds between mothers and daughters. Years have passed since Bronwyn left Clara, but she has never stopped loving her daughter. She tries to capture the depth of their spiritual connection via language. Her words convey her desire to reconnect with Clara and to help her understand why she had to leave her years ago.

“I was overwhelmed by the knowledge and information. I was relieved and I was ebullient; I was sad, and I was floating with the thought: My mother is here. A hunger, a ravenous hunger for her, was sated, but only for the moment. I would want more and more. I couldn’t face her right now.”

Clara’s contradictory thoughts and feelings illustrate her attempts to make sense of Bronwyn’s reappearance in her life. She feels multiple competing emotions at the same time. She longs for Bronwyn’s proximity and feels incapable of facing her. These dichotomous emotions show how Clara’s past has impacted her sense of self in the present. Now that she knows Bronwyn is alive, she has to reconcile with an alternate version of reality—one where her mother chose to leave her years prior and is in her life in the present.

“My God, the shame and fear your mother has hidden from the world, from us, and from you is almost incomprehensible. It began in childhood and never stopped—this idea put upon her that there is something wrong with her, that she needs to be fixed, that she is different and no good for this world or for love or even for motherhood. I can’t imagine the disgrace and shame she’s carried.”

Pippa’s reflections on Bronwyn’s story and experiences usher Clara toward understanding. Pippa encapsulates the extremity and pain of what Bronwyn lived through. Her words thus grant Clara a new perspective on her mother’s history. In turn, Clara is compelled to reflect on forgiveness. This scene of dialogue also reiterates the Jamesons’ effect on Clara’s psyche and growth.