The Survivor Wants to Die at the End

“My lungs and abs are on fire, but my heart is broken that fighting for a life as restrictive as mine is so pointless.”

Alano has just finished a self-defense coaching session with Dane. The latter advises him to fight for what matters most to him. Alano realizes that nothing in his current life matters enough to stir a sense of self-preservation. His mental state echoes Paz’s, but his material advantages stand in contrast to Paz’s disadvantages. The notion that a privileged boy could feel such despair underscores the reality that Death-Cast’s corporate greed has negative impacts across all social classes.

“I got bullied hard as a kid. I’ve watched my dreams die. It was hard reading about Vale becoming immortal because living forever felt so suffocating. I honestly saw Death as the true hero since he saved people from having to live in this terrible world.”

Paz is talking to Orion and explaining his attraction to the character of Death in the fantasy novel Golden Heart. In Paz’s view, death delivers people from the misery of life. This view is influenced by Paz’s borderline personality disorder, which the novel inaccurately portrays as nearly synonymous with suicidality. However, in the world of Death-Cast, even this form of release is denied to those who find life unbearable.

“I hate being called a survivor like it’s a good thing, but Mom is right, I will get through this. I just have to wait until I’m alone so I don’t end up on suicide watch again.”

Throughout the novel, Gloria identifies herself as a survivor and thinks of her son in the same way. Paz doesn’t take pride in being a survivor; he wishes for a life that isn’t defined by his tragic past. His longing for a blank slate highlights the tension between free will and determinism.

“My father wanted to protect the world from the unbearable pain of unexpected grief. In doing so he’s had a suffocating hold on my life that has forced me to adapt for my freedom.”

Both Alano and Paz have parents who want to avoid pain. Gloria never wanted to confront Frankie. Joaquin doesn’t want to confront unexpected death at all. Gloria traps Paz in the version of reality she prefers, while Joaquin does the same to Alano on a grander scale. Both boys find themselves Resisting Social Pressure within their own families.

“Someone tried to assassinate me and tonight that made me rebel against all the security measures put in place to keep me alive because I wanted to go live my life as I see fit, only to find you about to kill yourself. If that’s not fate, then what is it?”

Alano has just confronted Paz for the first time at the Hollywood sign. From Paz’s point of view, Alano has nothing to complain about. His life appears perfect, but appearances can be deceiving. The boys have been navigating similar internal landscapes, so their chance meeting in the external world feels inevitable to Alano.

“I throw a smile his way, like I’ve practiced a million times as Happy Paz, but part of it feels real too, and I really hate that part because it’s hope, and hope is as dangerous as a nine-year-old with a gun.”

Paz finds himself succumbing to Alano’s optimism. His statement indicates his mistrust of hope. As a nine-year-old with a gun, Paz hoped that he could save his mother, but his bravery ended up costing him his future. Despite his misgivings, a glimmer of positivity remains, indicating that Paz might still believe in Love as a Reason to Live.

“He’s seeing something in me, or not something, but everything. I thought I was catching him in a lie about him not knowing who I am when really I was the liar pretending to be nothing but a killer who deserves to die.”

Paz is responding to Alano’s kindness. Throughout his life, he has exhibited a tendency to define himself by other people’s perceptions. Since the age of nine, Paz has been cast in the role of cold-blooded killer by the press and society at large. He has internalized this opinion and identified with it. Alano’s obvious concern for his welfare causes Paz to shift his opinion of himself in a more positive direction, suggesting that being loved gives him the strength for resisting social pressure.

“I don’t know what time it is, if it’s too late for me to die today, if I even have the choice to survive, but I don’t wanna know. I just need to know that tonight, Alano’s desperation to see me in the future is inspiring me to choose life.”

This quote echoes the preceding one. Even though Paz is still allowing himself to be defined by the opinions of others, Alano’s opinion positive opinion acts as a counterweight to the negative opinions Paz has internalized. Significantly, Paz uses the word “choose” to describe the change in his attitude. It contrasts sharply with his typical feelings of entrapment and lack of choice, even when it comes to his own death, highlighting the tension between free will and determinism.

“‘Let’s make this official with a contract.’ Alano signs his name on his bandage. He offers me the marker. ‘We can heal together. No more trying to live our End Days. Let’s promise to live our Begin Days.’”

Alano has already revealed his own suicidal tendencies to Paz, creating a shared sense of how difficult it is to navigate a world shaped by others. For the first time, each boy realizes he is not alone in his struggle. Creating a written contract is intended to have a grounding effect on both parties to the agreement. Significantly, the deal is signed on a bandage covering an injury that nearly killed Alano, symbolically linking the contract with both emotional and physical healing.

“Your whole business is built on carpe diem, memento mori, all of that, but I guess that’s only for people buying into your services.”

Joaquin has just discouraged Alano from seeing Paz because he is concerned about his son’s safety. Alano is quick to point out the hypocrisy of his father’s stance. It’s fine for Deckers to live life to the fullest, and Death-Cast enables them to embrace the concept of carpe diem. This same philosophy apparently doesn’t apply to the Death-Cast heir. For Alano, resisting social pressure most often means resisting pressure from his father.

“At any given moment I’m trying to stay afloat from a flood of memories that threaten to drown me. It’s so hard to focus on my life knowing everything I know and shouldn’t know and everything I’ve done and shouldn’t have done.”

Paz has just remarked that Alano is a calming presence in his life. However, Alano’s inner world is anything but calm. He offers this observation about his mental state long before the reader learns about his hyperthymesia, or the fact that he may have been responsible for the Death’s Dozen tragedies. He conceals these facts from Paz for the same reason that Paz hides his self-harm injuries: fear of rejection.

“Put this rug by your bed so you wake up and go to sleep remembering that you’re a star. On the days that are hard, know that I believe this won’t be your last star—and the next one will have your name on it as Hollywood finally celebrates you.”

Alano has just shown Paz the star rug he bought for him. Throughout the novel, this object symbolizes the theme of love as a reason to live. By buying a floor rug, Alano is literally offering something to ground Paz when his destructive self-talk threatens to overwhelm him. The rug is also a reminder that Paz’s chance to become a star isn’t over.

“This is the great paradox of Death-Cast. There would be no Last Friend serial killer if there was no Last Friend app, and there would be no Last Friend app if society wasn’t expanding cultures around people who are dying and we wouldn’t definitively know people are dying without Death-Cast.”

Alano makes this mental note to himself during a conversation with Rio. At many points, the novel grapples with the problematic question of Death-Cast’s value to society. Is it a blessing or a curse or both? Joaquin blindly insists that his service offers only benefits, while Death Guarders blindly assert the opposite. Whether surrendering personal freedom for the sake of certainty is the right choice remains an open question at the end of the novel, relating to the theme of the tension between free will and determinism.

“Alano wants to pull me in for a hug so bad, but he knows I’m never letting him touch me again. ‘You aren’t supposed to stay alive for me. I’ve only ever wanted you to live for yourself.’”

Paz and Alano have just gotten into a very public argument during the Universal Studios tour. Alano’s comment draws a sharp distinction between his motivation and Gloria’s for keeping Paz alive. Gloria sometimes makes Paz feel that he must go on living simply for her sake. Alano’s motivation is the reverse. He wants Paz to find life worth living for its own sake.

“The poet Alfred Tennyson wrote about how it was better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but I could really use a poem about losing everything because of love.”

Alano has just lost Ariana, Rio, and Paz. His own support group has crumbled around him, and he has alienated his family because he chose his friends over Joaquin’s and Naya’s desires. Nevertheless, Alano seems willing to choose love rather than conform to other people’s expectations.

“‘You told me to guard my heart in case I can’t save Paz forever, but making sure he’s alive is guarding my heart.’ Even if I’m dead to him.”

Alano is talking to Naya as she tries to discourage him from his attachment to Paz. This comment occurs long before the reader learns about Alano’s role in the Death’s Dozen tragedy. Not only does he want to save Paz because he loves him, but saving Paz could alleviate some of Alano’s guilt in the process. While this motive is self-serving, it isn’t as entirely self-serving as the motivation that drives the adults in the story.

“I’m done trying to win back love from the rest of the world. I only wanna be loved by someone who sees me for who I am, scars and all, and never looks away.”

To this point in his life, Paz has never experienced unconditional love. Because of his infamous past and his borderline personality disorder, he is used to condemnation and rejection. As previously stated, Paz bases his self-worth on other people’s opinions of him. Even though this is still true in this quote, at least he is seeking out a less distorted mirror in which to see his own reflection.

“I cry out, hating my brain for making me my own greatest enemy. ‘You don’t have to be,’ Alano says, locking his arms around me. I’m a sword, and he’s my shield, protecting me from myself.”

Paz and Alano have just watched Grim Missed Calls together, and Paz is falling into the trap of seeing himself negatively as the documentary portrays him. Fortunately, Alano is there to remind him that this version is a fabrication. Paz shouldn’t define himself by his mental instability. This is simply another form of self-inflicted entrapment. Paz’s metaphor of sword and shield is an apt description of the boys’ relationship, and he will soon return the favor for Alano.

“As for you, Joaquin, you may be a protector of your son’s secrets, but you better make sure your own skeletons are buried deep because we all have shovels and are working hard to dig up everything you’ve been hiding from the world, especially Death-Cast’s dark powers.”

Andrea utters this warning during her speech at the Dunst rally. While this comment is orchestrated as political theater, her threat carries some basis in fact. Until the novel’s final page, the reader is unaware that Joaquin covered up his son’s involvement in the Death’s Dozen system glitch. This is yet another example of Joaquin’s hypocrisy. He would lie to protect his business interests while preaching the altruistic benefits of Death-Cast.

“I’m up against a world that doesn’t know me but hates me anyway, but I’m gonna keep fighting until my life looks like my dream obituary.”

Paz has just had a confrontation with Joaquin about the system glitch that cost him his future. He makes a superhuman effort to control himself because he doesn’t want to hurt Alano. This quote is an inner observation that demonstrates just how far Paz has come from reverting to suicidal ideation. He wants to live because he believes in Alano’s version of him.

“Paz steps back. ‘The timing is wild, obviously, but what better time to face my ghost.’ ‘Maybe this is what was fated all along,’ I say before lowering my voice. ‘It was never about you dying. It was always about moving on.’”

Alano has just proposed that he and Paz visit the apartment where Paz shot his father. Throughout the novel, Paz has been haunted by the memory of that single event, and he has allowed it to define his life. Alano’s reference to fate echoes their first encounter at the Hollywood sign. In helping Paz lay his father’s ghost to rest, Alano is also laying to rest the ghosts of his own troubled conscience. He is the reason that Frankie Dario never got his End Day call, but the reader won’t learn this fact until the end of the book.

“We’re both here, surrounded by Shield-Cast agents tasked with keeping me alive, but it’s almost as if Paz and I are becoming each other’s personal bodyguards. The stakes are higher, though. If one of us dies, the other will have to fight like hell to survive.”

Alano is making a clear distinction between people who are tasked with the preservation of the body and those tasked with the preservation of the psyche. Security agents can stop a bullet for their clients, but they have no power to stop the invasive thoughts that might make that client seek death. Since Alano and Paz share suicidal ideation, they both understand that the greatest dangers facing them are unseen.

“‘Alano, if I can begin again, so can you.’ ‘My father won’t ever let me begin. The only life he wants me to have is the one he has planned for me.’”

Paz is trying to talk Alano out of jumping off the roof. This role reversal echoes Alano’s earlier attempt to keep Paz from jumping off the Hollywood sign. In both cases, the motivation for this spiral into despair is the perception that the boys are trapped in lives over which they have no control. Each one concludes that the only freedom left to them can be found in death. Ironically, Death-Cast makes even this potential choice problematic, if not impossible, and gives them more reason for despair, highlighting the tension between free will and determinism.