The Tell: A Memoir

Cate soon introduced another member to Amy’s legal team, a Texan lawyer named Duke, who would help them organize the investigation in Amarillo. Duke reminded Amy of the Texan men she had grown up with, and she became furious when she discovered that Duke was discussing the case with her father behind her back. When she shared her newfound anger with Lauren, her therapist suggested it was the energy of the Hindu goddess Kali manifesting and warned her not to “take everything down around” (169) her as she processed her anger. However, Amy found herself increasingly enraged by the obstacles she met as a survivor of sexual assault trying to get justice in a patriarchal society. Duke, for example, repeatedly referred to her as a “victim” rather than a survivor.

Eventually, Amy’s children began noticing her struggles. One day, John reported that Gigi asked him if “something happened” to Amy. Gigi was just 11 years old, but she had recently told Amy about a store clerk who had behaved in a threatening manner toward her and her friends. Amy had taken the opportunity to warn her daughter that she “should be more worried about” (170) adults who seemed trustworthy and with whom she had frequent contact, like teachers and coaches. She wanted to wait and tell her children once the case against Mason was complete and justice had been served, but she began to sense that she could not keep her troubles from them for much longer.

Meanwhile, Amy was frustrated with Duke’s slow response back in Texas. He was often difficult to reach and took weeks to reply to her. Finally, he set up a call for her to tell her story to a local detective. However, he advised her not to mention the MDMA session or the final instance of abuse when she was in high school. Although Duke insisted that he believed her story, she doubted his statement. The detective, however, told her that her story was “one of the most credible” (175) he’d ever heard and assured her he could bring Mason in soon. Amy hung up, sure that “[t]hings would work out” (175), but the detective called again the next day to tell her that because the statute of limitations had expired on her case before the law was changed, there was no way to pursue criminal charges. Amy admitted to the final incident of abuse that had happened years later, but the timeline was still short. The only way to prosecute Mr. Mason would be if another younger survivor came forward.

Devastated, Amy tried to call Duke to confirm the dates, but he was on vacation and refused to revisit the case until he returned to the office in 10 days. Cate intervened and found another lawyer in Texas who confirmed the detective’s information. Amy wracked her brain for any information she might have missed, anything that might have pointed to another survivor. She remembered one woman interviewed who had seen Mr. Mason watching the girls sleeping on a school trip and decided to call her. The girl remembered Mason being “such a creep” (180) but didn’t describe any specific instances of abuse.

Amid her turmoil, Amy had to attend a family celebration for her father’s 70th birthday in the Smoky Mountains. She worked hard “to lock all [her] anger and grief away” (183), but on the last day, she began to scream at her sister about how the culture of West Texas “allowed this all to happen” (185). Her family wanted to help her, but Amy didn’t “know what [she] need[ed]” (185).

Back in New York, Amy had to come to terms with how to tell her children about the abuse, even though Mr. Mason was never punished. She decided to meet with her daughters’ teacher, Clara. As she spoke, she saw recognition on Clara’s face and knew that Clara had been abused, too. Clara admitted that she had been assaulted repeatedly throughout her childhood; it was part of the reason she wanted to become a teacher. Amy was suddenly struck by “the magnitude of this problem, the omnipresence of it” (188). She knew she had to break her silence with her children, and Clara urged her to “tell them the complete truth” (189).

Olivia echoed Clara’s sentiment. She told Amy that she was trying “to create a perfect outcome” (190) with the case against Mason, but what she really wanted was to prove to her younger self that she believed her. She told her younger self that she had always used her perfectionism to hide her fear of vulnerability. Now, however, she needed to be honest with her children and give them the “gift” of the “true freedom” that honesty brought.

Amy decided to tell Gigi first, taking her out for ice cream after picking her up from a sleepover. However, as soon as Amy told her she had something she wanted to share, Gigi surprised Amy by asking if she had been raped. Gigi was shocked by the truth but asked “kind” and “loving” follow-up questions, and Amy explained that Gigi’s frustration that Amy was “nice, but […] not real” (193) had helped give her the courage to uncover her memories.

She told Gracie next, over dinner. Gracie was understanding. She told Amy that she had always felt like she didn’t know much about her mother’s life. She felt pressure because of how “perfect” Amy seemed, but her mother assured her that she wasn’t perfect, and she didn’t want her children to feel that pressure; she wanted Gracie to feel that she could be herself. Finally, she told her oldest son, Jack. 



She had “pierced the blister of every secret” (198), but she still felt the need for another MDMA session. In the session, she found herself back in the bathroom with Mr. Mason. However, she longed “to take control of [the] memory” and “change the story” (200). She imagined the bathroom exploding until there was nothing but the door left. She then walked out into the light.

Afterward, Amy told Lauren that destroying the bathroom felt like permission to take a step back from the past. Amy no longer wanted her trauma “to be the biggest thing in [her] life” (202). Later that night, Gracie was getting ready for a night out in a “tiny” top and ripped-up jeans. At one point, Amy would have tried to police Gracie’s wardrobe, but now she understood that it was more important to have an honest and loving relationship with them, so she let Gracie wear what she liked.