The Tell: A Memoir

The title of Amy Griffin’s memoir refers to certain clues or “tells” that an individual might broadcast when they are trying to deceive others; although this term is most commonly used to refer to players’ behavior during a poker game, the author uses it to refer to the signs that all was not right in her own inner world. At this point in the memoir, the Prologue merely hints at the devastating realization that the author is soon to relate: the fact that for decades, she kept the trauma of her sexual assault a secret, even from herself. However, her body and personality had a number of “tells” that betrayed her, suggesting something was hidden in her past. The prologue introduces some of these tells—particularly Amy’s fixation on running as a way to cope with her suppressed trauma; this pattern began in middle school, a timeline that coincided with the start of her abuse. She felt “free” when she was running as if she’d “arrived at a place where nobody could touch [her],” and this way, running became a direct counter to the abuse, allowing her to symbolically regain control of her body and outrun her past. 

The Prologue also introduces Amy’s other “tells,” such as her numerous injuries and pains. These physical issues betray a deeper source of distress, and when combined with Amy’s personality quirks, they implicitly highlight The Impact of Repressed Memories on Personal Identity. Each chapter of the text explores how Amy’s body and personality remembers her trauma, causing it to shape her experiences as an adult, even if her conscious mind has blocked out the inciting incident. While the adult Amy’s refusal to slow down is directly related to her fear of facing her past, she is also “plagued by injuries,” particularly in her hips and lower back, which correspond to the abuse that she suffered as a child. The connection between mind and body is further emphasized by Amy’s reaction when her physical therapist opines that her body is trying to tell her something. This suggestion causes a physical sensation of resistance in Amy’s body, indicating that her fear of facing the truth of her past is so intense that she feels “a heavy, nauseated feeling in [her] stomach” and hears “a vague buzzing in [her] ears” (5). The physical therapist notices Amy’s “need to push harder, to run faster, to keep moving” (6) as a “tell” of some deeper issue, but she still does not think to ask what Amy might be running from. Even so, these early details in the memoir indicate that Amy’s constant need to stay in motion is essentially an expression of her suppressed desire to escape.