Things I Wish I Told My Mother

Laurie Margolis, a thirty-six-year-old advertising professional, was preparing to pitch a major cosmetics account at her New York City agency when her mother called from the hospital. Dr. Elizabeth Ormson, a prominent ob-gyn known as "Dr. Liz," checked herself into Ridgefield Hospital the previous night with chest pains but waited until morning to call. Laurie's pitch went well, and she rushed to the hospital expecting Liz to be dressed and impatient. Instead, Liz looked frail in a hospital gown, connected to machines. Her cardiologist revealed irregularities on her electrocardiogram (EKG) suggesting a prior heart attack. Moved by her mother's vulnerability, Laurie impulsively offered to take Liz on a trip once she was released, just the two of them.

Their relationship had always been fraught. Liz was a world-renowned speaker on women's health who traveled extensively throughout her career. Laurie's father, Martin Margolis, a kind insurance agency manager, died of pancreatic cancer years earlier. Their one prior solo trip, to Disney World when Laurie was seven, was a disaster because Liz banned scary rides, turkey legs, and Cinderella's carousel, which she deemed sexist. They settled on Paris first, then Norway, where Liz was born. Laurie hesitated about Paris because she honeymooned there with her ex-husband, Andrew, who left her via email to pursue another woman. They divorced after less than two years.

In Paris, they settled into a boutique hotel on the Île de la Cité. On their first evening, Laurie met Richard Northcott at the hotel bar, a charming British solicitor from East London, originally from Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, in Paris for legal depositions. He mentioned no family. They bonded immediately. When Laurie returned upstairs, Liz admitted to a strange sensation near her heart, flooding Laurie with guilt. Liz warned Laurie about Richard by sharing a story from her own past: During college spring break, she had her first sexual experience with Sacha, a young Parisian artist who then vanished. Paris, Liz insisted, made people vulnerable.

Liz arranged a private guide, Françoise, a twenty-eight-year-old medical student who resembled Liz in appearance and ambition. Laurie initially bristled, seeing Françoise as the daughter Liz always wanted, but warmed to her as they explored the Catacombs and other hidden corners of the city. Laurie and Richard's connection deepened over pastries, dinner, and a kiss under a lamppost. They slept together. The next morning, Richard departed abruptly for London. Moments later, Laurie found a panicked, typo-filled text from Liz. An ambulance took Liz to a Paris hospital, where the diagnosis was paroxysmal atrial fibrillation, an irregular heartbeat manageable with medication. Françoise served as medical liaison and translator.

Their remaining Paris days brought revelations. At the Picasso Museum, Laurie and Liz had their most candid conversation yet about Andrew. Liz responded with unexpected tenderness: "Not if he hurt my girl." Laurie also revealed an abortion in college she never told Liz about; Liz was saddened but offered a medical rather than emotional response, illustrating the gap between them. At Père Lachaise cemetery, when Laurie asked if Liz worried about dying, Liz said she worried it might be painful "for you." Their final dinner at Épicure became a breakthrough: they drank cognac, shared truffles, and played a bawdy game rating every man in the restaurant. For the first time, they felt like girlfriends.

The next morning, Laurie revealed she had contacted Liz's estranged sister, Jeannie Ormson Hamre, in Kongsvinger, Norway, to arrange a family reunion, and Liz exploded in fury. She eventually calmed and agreed to go. In Oslo, they visited the Viking Ship Museum, where a burial ship holding the remains of two women, possibly a mother and daughter, prompted shared laughter. At the Holmenkollen ski jump, Liz impulsively rode a zip line despite her heart condition. Richard texted that he had followed Laurie to Oslo, and Liz told her to go to him.

In Bergen, at the lakeside Edvard Grieg Museum, Liz confessed she was "so proud" of Laurie's competitive swimming, something Laurie never knew. Near the Arctic Circle in Alta, they endured extreme cold to witness the northern lights sweep across the sky in vivid greens, violets, and gold. The drive to Kongsvinger was tense; Laurie pulled over and accused Liz of never once telling her what a great daughter she was. Liz apologized. At Jeannie's house, the reunion was warm and tearful. Jeannie's husband, Tore Hamre, arrived last, greeting Liz with unmistakable tenderness and calling her by her childhood name, "Lissa."

After they left, Liz burst into tears. She revealed she and Tore were deeply in love through high school, but he pulled away before she left for America, knowing she was destined for bigger things. Tore and Jeannie eventually married. Liz confessed that before Martin, "there was somebody far more important," and that she once harmed herself over losing Tore. Back in Oslo, Liz made another devastating admission: She "never felt anything" for baby Laurie the way a mother should, that she was always drawn to the rational and factual. She said this made her a great physician "and a not-so-great mother." When Laurie mentioned meeting Richard, Liz called her a "stupid fool," insisting he was "just using you." Laurie stormed off.

At dinner, Richard confessed he had three daughters and a wife. Laurie was devastated. She returned to find Liz waiting with nothing but sympathy, no recriminations. Liz booked an after-hours spa session, explaining it would stimulate serotonin, and guided Laurie through a pampering treatment until she gradually felt better.

Then came the novel's central revelation: The entire trip never happened. Laurie disclosed that her mother had died the night after their hospital conversation. Liz had insisted they were still going to Paris; those were her last words. At three in the morning, Laurie found her mother unconscious and on morphine. Liz squeezed her hand once and died.

In Liz's belongings, Laurie found a sealed letter. Liz expressed how touched she was by the trip offer and instructed Laurie to travel alone and write "our story, the story of the trip we would have had." She closed with a confession: "I was a much better doctor than mother," and the words she "never told you nearly enough: how much I love you."

In the final chapter, set almost four years later, Laurie addressed her mother directly. She mourned Liz with both a Lutheran service and a shiva, the weeklong Jewish mourning ritual, honoring her mixed-heritage family. Her therapist encouraged her to take the trip solo and write the story. Laurie visited Kongsvinger and spent a week with Jeannie. Tore had tears in his eyes upon meeting Laurie and told her she looked like her mother. Laurie met and married Rob Murray, a kind man twelve years her senior, and they had a toddler son named Eli Ormson Murray, after Liz. Laurie closed with the lesson her mother taught her: "People don't always give you what you want. They give you what they have to give. But if you stop and think about it, that can be enough."