This Far

Allison Holker Boss's memoir, This Far, traces her life from a financially unstable childhood in Utah through her rise as a professional dancer, her marriage to fellow dancer Stephen "tWitch" Boss, and the devastating aftermath of his suicide in December 2022.

The memoir opens during a romantic anniversary weekend in Laguna Beach, California, in December 2022. Allison and Stephen, both professional dancers who met on the television competition So You Think You Can Dance (SYTYCD), celebrated nine years of marriage. Allison played Stephen a song she wrote about their shared history, and they discussed exciting career prospects for the years ahead. Stephen gave Allison a black Prada suit. Less than 72 hours later, he died of a self-inflicted gunshot wound. The prologue frames the memoir's central tension: reconciling the joyful life they shared with the secrets and pain Stephen concealed.

Allison recounts growing up in Utah as the youngest of five children, born in 1988. Her family struggled financially; her mother worked three simultaneous jobs while her father spent months at a time in Asia as a Mandarin translator, creating an emotional distance Allison could not bridge. At approximately age 10, she discovered her calling when she watched her older sister Jessica perform in a touring dance production. She enrolled at the Dance Club in Orem, Utah, run by Sheryl Dowling, who became a surrogate mother figure. When the family could no longer afford lessons, Sheryl offered Allison a job as the studio janitor, a role she filled nightly from age 12 through 18. By her mid-teens, Allison was performing at the 2002 Winter Olympics closing ceremony and winning national dance competitions. At 16, she left her family's religion after finding its teachings incompatible with her beliefs, a decision that cost her friendships and a school dance team captaincy. At 17, she experienced a traumatic incident she declines to detail, initially blaming herself before recognizing she was not at fault.

At 18, Allison auditioned for SYTYCD Season 2. Despite tearing her left meniscus weeks before the Las Vegas qualifying round and concealing the injury from producers, she and her best friend Travis Wall both made the top 20, and Allison finished in the top eight. During the postseason tour, she briefly met Stephen Boss at a party. Put off by his piercings and bleached mohawk, she shook his hand and moved on.

Allison then began dating Justin (a pseudonym), an older non-dancer who made her feel safe. She discovered he was using drugs, and they dated on and off as he cycled through sobriety and relapse. After becoming pregnant at 19, Allison gave birth to her daughter Weslie on May 26, 2008. She and Justin settled in a small Utah cottage and relied on WIC, a government nutrition program. A crew member at a dance convention introduced Allison to a transformative affirmation practice, completing sentences beginning with "I am . . . I have . . . I deserve . . ." while looking in a mirror, a ritual that became central to her life and that Stephen later had tattooed on his arm. After discovering Justin had been skipping work and spending recklessly, Allison broke off their engagement. When SYTYCD producer Jeff Thacker offered her a spot as an All-Star for Season 7, her mother urged her to accept, insisting she reclaim her identity through dance. Allison moved to Los Angeles with Weslie.

On Season 7, Allison reconnected with the now clean-cut Stephen and was struck by his kindness toward a first-time contestant during rehearsal. After months of near-misses, they got together at the wrap party. Deep conversations revealed parallel childhoods: both felt like outcasts. Stephen grew up in Montgomery, Alabama, with a biological father who resented him and refused to buy him dance shoes, viewing dance as unmasculine. As an interracial couple, they faced hostility from both Black and white communities. Stephen proposed in 2013 during a commercial shoot, and they married on December 10, 2013, at a vineyard in Paso Robles, California.

Their careers flourished. Allison joined Dancing with the Stars (DWTS) as a pro dancer in 2014, becoming the first woman in the show's history to compete while pregnant during Season 21. Their son Maddox was born on March 27, 2016. Stephen took a job on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, eventually becoming Ellen DeGeneres's sidekick and co-executive producer. Their third child, Zaia, was born on November 6, 2019. During the COVID-19 pandemic, the family launched Boss Family Workouts, free dance sessions on social media that attracted a massive following and major brand partnerships.

Allison reflects that the growing fame may have intensified Stephen's imposter syndrome and the pressure to embody the joyful persona the public expected. After The Ellen DeGeneres Show ended in May 2022, Stephen lost the daily structure that had organized his life for nine years. He began turning down opportunities, withdrawing socially, sleeping poorly, drinking more heavily, and growing harsher with the children. He collected disturbing art featuring figures with missing or crossed-out eyes. He undertook an ayahuasca ceremony, a ritual involving a psychoactive plant tea, in Joshua Tree to address his anxiety and depression but cut the experience short. Allison later learned that incomplete sessions can worsen deep-seated mental health issues. His marijuana use, which Allison had normalized, had secretly escalated to near-constant consumption.

On the evening of December 12, Stephen left the house and called Allison in a panic, saying he was extremely high and lost. When he arrived home, he repeated that he had lied but could not explain further. The next morning, he drove Weslie to school and told her at drop-off that he wished he could have been her Superman. He then left the house in an Uber. Allison called hospitals, Stephen's family, and friends. She agonized over contacting police because Stephen had warned her that as a Black man, involving law enforcement could be dangerous. The next morning, she filed a missing person report and began calling recovery centers. The last center she called suggested Stephen might be there. Roughly 20 minutes later, a police officer arrived and told Allison that Stephen had been found dead of a self-inflicted gunshot wound in a motel less than a mile from their home. He had used a gun purchased during the pandemic to protect the family.

Allison told 14-year-old Weslie first. Six-year-old Maddox, told the next morning, cried, then abruptly stopped and asked to eat. Three-year-old Zaia, told last, responded that she wanted to be an angel too. The family spent weeks sequestered, surrounded by paparazzi. Planning Stephen's funeral exposed tensions with his family over an open versus closed casket, ultimately resolved through a restricted compromise viewing. In February, roughly 300 people attended a Celebration of Life at the Mosaic church in Hollywood.

Sorting through Stephen's belongings, Allison made staggering discoveries. His journals contained entries alluding to sexual abuse he endured as a child, a trauma later confirmed by a close friend. She found psychedelic mushrooms, unidentifiable pills, and tactical knives hidden in his shoeboxes. His phone revealed nightly dispensary visits, a suicide hotline search from summer 2022, and queries about how to become a better father. Stephen's death also triggered severe financial consequences: morality clause violations in their contracts, loss of medical insurance, no will, and a $1 million tax bill that depleted his accounts.

The family gradually reentered public life, facing painful encounters. A classmate told Maddox his father had shot himself, destroying the boy's belief that Stephen had lost his helmet in space. A stranger screamed a racial slur at Allison and Maddox in their neighborhood. Eventually, the family moved from their Encino home, where Allison had to drive past the motel where Stephen died for every errand, to a farmhouse in Studio City. New traditions emerged: monthly flower deliveries for Weslie, morning basketball with Maddox, nightly reading with Zaia.

Encouraged by her pastor, Allison began speaking publicly about suicide, grief, and mental health and started the Move with Kindness Foundation in partnership with the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). In early 2024, she returned to SYTYCD as a judge, reconnecting with her identity as a dancer independent of Stephen. Her pastor also challenged her to stop promoting Stephen as the hero, recognizing Allison and the children as the ones left to rebuild.

Allison closes the memoir by describing the new morning routine that replaced the one that died with Stephen. She wakes at six, makes her own coffee, immerses herself in a cold plunge, and recites affirmations at her vanity. She teaches her children the same practice during the school run. She acknowledges that Stephen's absence now feels normal rather than shocking and that she experiences mornings of genuine happiness. She likens her family to a sturdy step stool, built to boost one another and still standing. The journey, she writes, is a marathon with no finish line, requiring only that they keep moving forward, step by step.