Tin Man

As Ellis reads Michael’s journal, the narrative shifts to Michael’s voice and perspective. 

Michael begins writing in his journal after his doctor suggests that this habit will help him to cope with the decline of his lover, G, who has AIDS. Michael writes about how he is aging more quickly because of the stress. When the medication alarm sounds, Michael checks on G, who was once his boyfriend. G’s physical state is dire; he is wasting away and losing his mental stability. Despite these challenges, Michael does not want to bring G to the hospital, believing that if he does, G will never return. Although Michael used to write for a living, his creativity falters and he is unable to meet deadlines. Though he hopes to write for himself now, his time is spent looking after G.

Michael met G fives year ago, after Mabel’s death, when he ran into the National Gallery to escape the rain. He saw G from afar, and the man reminded him of Ellis. He followed G around the museum, stopping to talk with him when G arrived at the Van Gogh painting from Michael’s childhood. They went to a bookstore and eventually back to Michael’s apartment, though they did not have sex. They fell asleep, and when Michael woke up, G was gone, but he had left a note with his number. G lived in a barn in Suffolk, and they soon struck up a relationship. Michael believed that he loved G, but over time, they became more friends than lovers, and Michael encouraged G to see other people. They still talked together every week, however, and when G called to tell Michael that he had AIDS, Michael promised to be there for him.

In Michael’s present, G wakes in the middle of the night, screaming. Michael decides that he can no longer handle the situation on his own, so he arranges for G to have a bed in a ward dedicated to AIDS patients. They are familiar with the ward, having been many times, and they find themselves welcomed. One day, as Michael walks through the ward, he meets a young man named Chris, who is 21 years old. They begin talking, and when Chris mentions that his doctor has encouraged him to write a letter to his parents, Michael offers to help.

A few days later, they begin working on it, and Michael teases Chris about flirting with him. When Chris shows Michael a picture of himself from when he was 19, Michael is shocked by the drastic change in Chris’s appearance, but he reassures Chris, stating that the teenager is still handsome. Chris, in a moment of shame, declares that he was not promiscuous, and Michael refuses to let him feel guilty. However, the tension rises when Chris asks whether Michael was ever in love, and Michael tells the boy that love is overrated. Chris is hurt by this idea and argues with Michael, pleading that he refrain from mocking an experience that Chris always wanted but will never have.

At home, Michael looks at a picture of him and Ellis on their trip to France and reminisces about their relationship. When he returns to the hospital, he sits with G and recites paint colors to him, hoping to soothe his artistic former lover. Chris finds Michael, saying he missed talking with him, and asks Michael to join him in eating some cake that his friends bought him. As they eat the cake, Michael shows Chris the picture of him and Ellis. He describes their trip to the south of France, and when Chris asks if he still sees Ellis, Michael says no. He explains that Ellis has a wife in Oxford, and that they lost touch. Chris tells Michael to reach out to Ellis, asserting that their situation is not as complicated as he thinks.

Michael reflects that he knew he wanted to kiss Ellis the first time he saw him. He remembers their first night together, when he nervously approached Ellis in bed, worried that Ellis would reject him. He didn’t, and for years, Michael wondered if Ellis’s attraction was based on proximity or something more. The two went to France in August 1969, and on the ferry over, Michael felt the urge to kiss Ellis and was pleasantly surprised when Ellis reached over to touch his finger. When they finally reached Saint-Raphaël, they were met by a nice room and sweet landlady. Michael felt free in France, and he fell even more deeply in love with Ellis. They explored the town and went to the beach, where their gray towels contrasted with colorful ones all around them. At night, drunk, they swam naked together in the ocean before returning to their room and having sex for the first time.

The next morning, Michael was nervous that Ellis would pretend the night had not happened, due to the shame that Leonard had instilled in him. When Ellis woke up, Michael did indeed see such emotions cross his face, but he swooped in, kissing and reassuring Ellis to keep him from spiraling emotionally. With four days left of their trip, they began planning to stay and live their lives together in the small French town. Michael worried that Ellis would back out, but he felt excited by the possibility of their new life together. On their last day, Michael took a walk around the town, imagining his new life, but when he returned to the room, he found Ellis packing their bags. When Michael professed his love to Ellis, Ellis remained silent.

Once they returned to Oxford, Michael and Ellis did not see each other for a while, and a numbness slowly crept into Michael’s heart. Even when they reunited and Michael was relieved to be with Ellis again, he accepted that they could never be together in the way that he wanted. Since then, love and sex were separated for him. 

Michael explains all of this to Chris, admitting that his love lasted for nine days in France. Before Michael leaves, Chris asks to keep the photo for the night, and he assures Michael that if he had been Ellis, he would not have packed his bags; instead, he would have let the train leave without them.

The next day, Michael takes Chris outside, and they finish writing Chris’s letter to his parents. Afterwards, Michael stays away from the ward for a few days because a cold keeps him sick at home. He imagines calling Annie and Ellis and reconnecting with them, but he cannot bring himself to do it. He goes to see a movie, which features a student reciting “O Captain! My Captain!” and he recalls once doing the same for Dora. He rushes to the hospital to tell Chris about this coincidence but learns that Chris’s parents came and took him home. Michael watches the Berlin Wall come down on the news in G’s room, speaking with a nurse about how people never thought it would happen. G dies on December 1, 1989, and the grief overwhelms Michael.

Christmas approaches, but a depressed Michael cannot free himself from the sofa. He remembers the Christmas of 1976, when he waited for Ellis to return from his final Christmas tree delivery. By that point, seven years had passed since their trip to France, and Ellis told the story differently, calling it a trip for bachelors. Michael knew that they both had been keeping secrets from each other, refusing to acknowledge who they were to one another. When Ellis returned with Annie, Michael saw right away that she was the one for Ellis, and he silently mourned the fact that he himself was not.

In Michael’s present, New Year’s Eve passes, and soon the clocks jump ahead. Michael still does not leave his apartment. He finally ventures out, seeking normalcy, and finds himself at the bookshop that he and G visited on the day they met. He stands in front of the painting of sunflowers, wondering what Dora saw in them. Suddenly, a man rudely asks him to move. When Michael tells the man to wait, the man begins pushing Michael, who finds himself screaming, “I have a fucking right to be here!” (153). Surprised by his own emotional outburst, he apologizes and leaves quietly.