Tough Guy

“Ryan had a type, no question. He liked men who…blurred the line, a little. He found androgyny very sexy, and it wasn’t just the physical beauty of a dazzling, decorated man that attracted him; he was in awe of their confidence. Of their bravery to only be themselves and dare anyone to say anything about it. It turned Ryan on like nothing else.”

Ryan’s description of his “perfect guy” foreshadows his opposites-attract relationship with Fabian. Whereas Ryan is physically imposing, muscular, bearded, and stoic, Fabian is more elegant, showy, and outgoing. The descriptive language used in this passage captures Ryan’s desire to be with a man who challenges him to be different. “Blurred,” “sexy,” “dazzling,” “decorated,” and “confidence” aren’t words that Ryan would use to describe himself, but they are later words that he uses to describe Fabian.

“Ryan had been different, and it had completely thrown Fabian off balance. Teenage Fabian had been all thorns, unable to hide his queerness, so he’d guarded himself by being a self-important grouch. Mostly, he’d just kept to himself, practiced his music, and dismissed anyone who’d tried to talk to him. A big dumb hockey player couldn’t hurt him if Fabian didn’t give a shit about him.”

Fabian’s internal monologue during his and Ryan’s impromptu drugstore encounter introduces the novel’s theme of the Impact of Adolescent Longing on Adult Relationships. As soon as Fabian sees Ryan again, he is transported back to the scenes and sensations of his adolescence. He reflects on his and Ryan’s former dynamic and tries to reconcile his nostalgia with the new, adult version of Ryan standing in front of him. What he remembers best is how “different” Ryan was from any other hockey player he’d ever met. The passage conveys the lasting nature of Ryan and Fabian’s connection and foreshadows their coming intimacy.

“But Ryan couldn’t go to that, could he? It’s not like Fabian had invited him. It would be weird if Ryan showed up. What would he even say? Hi, it’s me. The guy you were probably just being police to in the drugstore the other night. I’m stalking you now. Nope. Absolutely not.”

Ryan interrogates his own feelings for Fabian in this passage of internal monologue because he is self-conscious about his lingering feelings for him. Over a decade has passed since the two last saw each other, but Ryan still feels drawn to Fabian. His reawakened adolescent instincts are telling him to attend Fabian’s show, while his more logical, stoic adult instincts are telling him not to be “weird” or push the line with him. Ryan’s adult and adolescent points of view are in conflict throughout the novel because he is afraid of giving into his more tender, uninhibited, and innocent sides of himself.

“But he was still a hockey player, and Fabian had been very glad to eliminate all traces of hockey from his life as soon as he’d moved to Toronto to start university over a decade ago. Having Ryan here, in one of Fabian’s favorite spaces, should have been annoying him more than it was.”

Fabian reflects on his feelings for Ryan in this moment, which conveys his desire to make sense of his emotions. Fabian is shocked to see Ryan again and even more shocked to realize that Ryan’s presence does not feel intrusive to his life in Toronto. Ryan not only is a ghost from Fabian’s past but also represents everything that Fabian has tried to “eliminate” from his new, independent life. Even still, Fabian finds himself glad to have Ryan at his show; his comfortability conveys the unprecedented nature of the lovers’ connection.

“Fabian wasn’t sure what his plan was here. He didn’t want Ryan to leave, but he also had no idea why he wanted him to stay. If he and Ryan had never met before tonight; if Ryan had just been a big, strong, attractive stranger who had offered to walk Fabian home, Fabian would be tearing his clothes off right now. But Ryan wasn’t a stranger, and while part of Fabian really liked the idea of tearing his clothes off, he just…couldn’t.”

Fabian’s romantic and sexual history complicates his feelings for Ryan. In this scene, Ryan has come over to Fabian’s apartment for the first time. Naturally, Fabian expects some sort of intimacy to happen between them; however, he finds himself second-guessing himself. His hesitation is a result of his and Ryan’s shared history. Ryan isn’t “a big, strong, attractive stranger,” but rather the first boy Fabian ever really felt seen by. The passage reiterates the novel’s theme of the impact of adolescent longing on adult relationships; because of Fabian’s history with Ryan, he does not want to treat him like any other sexual partner.

“And now he was awake with nothing to do. Colleen was right; his life was sad. He grabbed his laptop from his nightstand and opened the IKEA website in his browser. It wouldn’t hurt to order a few things; his apartment really did look ridiculous. And what if he did want to invite a man back to his place? It wasn’t a likely scenario, but it wasn’t impossible either.”

Ryan’s decision to order new furniture for his Toronto apartment illustrates his willingness to change and grow. Ryan is accustomed to moving from place to place without ever truly settling in. He chooses not to commit to any one place because he fears having to leave and lose the sense of home he’s built. In Toronto, he makes a change by furnishing his apartment; this action foreshadows the life, community, and stability he will build there.

“There had been a time, he was sure, that he had loved being a part of a team, of helping that team win games and championships. But he couldn’t quite recall that feeling. Even his memories of winning the Stanley Cup with Boston weren’t as golden as he would have thought they’d be when he’d been a kid. For most of his NHL career, hockey had just been a thing he did because he didn’t have anything else.”

Ryan’s reflections on his hockey career contribute to the novel’s theme of Toughness as a Professional Role That Corrodes the Self. He is trying to remember a time when he enjoyed “being a part of a team” but struggles to identify a moment; even his athletic successes feel empty and unfulfilling. Ryan isn’t ready to accept it yet, but this passage foreshadows his ultimate decision to quit the NHL. He is beginning to realize how misaligned his hockey identity is with his authentic self.

“He could have also talked about the fact that he was feeling real sexual desire for the first time in a very long time. Or the fact that, as much as he liked imagining laying Fabian on top of the clothing that was strewn all over the mattress in his charming little apartment and kissing his elegant neck, Ryan was too insecure to actually attempt intimacy with anyone.”

After a therapy session, Ryan reflects on all the things he could have discussed with his therapist but chose not to. This passage of internal monologue has a raw, confessional tone, which implies that Ryan does want to open up and be honest with himself. At the same time, he has chosen not to share these intimate facets of his interior with his therapist because he remains afraid of his own fragility. The passage contributes to the theme of Vulnerability as the Key to Authentic Masculine Identity, which Ryan is still learning.

“He wanted Fabian too much to just have casual sex with him. He wasn’t much for casual sex anyway, but he absolutely couldn’t have a one-night stand with Fabian Salah. Ryan knew there were plenty of people who would happily fool around with an attractive friend while waiting for a rainstorm to pass by, but he wasn’t one of them. Having sex with Fabian—even kissing Fabian again—would mean too much to Ryan. Much more than it would to Fabian”

Ryan’s decision to abruptly end his and Fabian’s evening together reiterates his fear of intimacy and vulnerability. He privately acknowledges how attracted he is to Fabian, how much he cares for him, and how much he’d like to be with him. Outwardly, though, Ryan quashes these thoughts and feelings under the guise of protecting Fabian. In reality, Ryan is trying to protect his younger self from the possible blow of rejection. The passage underscores the impact of adolescent longing on adult relationships; Ryan still feels as drawn to Fabian as he was as a teenager but doubts that Fabian reciprocates.

“What had he done? Nothing. That’s what he kept telling himself. He hadn’t done a damn thing except be open and honest about his feelings for Ryan. He’d even told him about the teenage crush he’d had on him, for fuck’s sake, which would have been embarrassing enough without Ryan flat out rejecting him.”

Fabian’s internal monologue in this passage has a worried and anxious tone. He is desperate to understand what happened between him and Ryan and why Ryan “flat out rejected him.” He asks himself questions about their most recent interaction because he is searching for understanding—fearing that he has done something to hurt Ryan. His stream of consciousness underscores Fabian’s reflective, earnest nature.

“He wanted to dance with Fabian. He wanted to celebrate Tarek’s birthday, who Ryan barely knew. But he wanted to know him. He wanted to know all of Fabian’s friends. […] It would probably take Ryan an hour to drive back to the Village, which would probably leave him plenty of time to hang out at the club with people whose company he actually enjoyed. In a place where he could be himself. Or, better yet, be who he wanted to be.”

This passage marks a moment of personal growth for Ryan because he is identifying his desires more explicitly than he has been able to in the past. While at Kent’s party, Ryan realizes that he does not want to be there and proceeds to list all the things he would rather be doing and why. This is a pivotal moment for Ryan’s character, who normally submits to others’ expectations of him to avoid creating waves. The last two lines of the passage also foreshadow how he will continue to grow over the course of the subsequent chapters simply because he is open to change.

“Ryan knew this was selfish. It was probably the most selfish thing he’d ever done, and he knew he’d feel bad about it later. But that was later. Right now, he was finally kissing Fabian Salah. Really kissing him. He was finally making Fabian squirm beneath him by kissing the sensitive skin under his smooth, sharp jaw. God, his neck. Ryan wanted to know every inch of his neck, and his shoulders, and his collarbone.”

Ryan’s impulsive decision to kiss Fabian marks another turning point in his character arc. Ryan is a typically controlled, calculating character. He is accustomed to waiting for others to make decisions and responding accordingly. In this scene, Ryan follows his instincts and emotions. Doing so affords him a moment of passionate intimacy with Fabian. He is opening himself to new romantic possibilities and allowing himself to take risks.

“It felt good to be using his strong hands to care for someone, for a change. He still wasn’t sure how he’d gotten lucky enough to have Fabian like this, but he was going to milk it for all it was worth.”

Ryan begins to discover a new part of himself once he and Fabian become sexually intimate. For years, Ryan has seen and defined himself according to his enforcer position with the NHL; as an enforcer, he has been trained to use his imposing physicality to intimidate and hurt others. During sex with Fabian, he discovers that his strength and size can be used to care for and love someone instead. Masculinity therefore does not have to mean toughness and aggression but can mean gentleness and tenderness.

“‘Well, as I like to say, their loss. But it never feels good to be so disappointing that your parents take to adopting replacement sons. Better ones.’ Fabian snorted. ‘Year after year I was introduced to some version of their ideal son. My parents would just be bursting with pride whenever their big, jock-y wards would score a goal or be interviewed on TV. I couldn’t possibly expect to compete with that.’”

Fabian’s musings on his relationship with his parents deepen the novel’s theme of vulnerability as the key to masculine identity. Fabian feels sorrow and disappointment over his strained relationship with his family, but he is unashamed of expressing these emotions. He opens up to Ryan about his pain, acknowledging his work to be strong despite their rejection while also confessing his true sadness.

“Fabian wanted to roll his eyes, but he couldn’t hate how much his friends loved him. Or how much they immediately trusted Ryan. Despite his size, his job, and the fact that he seemingly had nothing in common with them, Fabian’s friends had accepted him.”

Fabian’s reflections on his friend group convey the safety he feels with his found family. Whereas he has never felt fully accepted or loved by his biological family, Vanessa, Marcus, and Tarek offer him connection and care; they also challenge him to be better. At times, he gets frustrated with their teasing or their endless questions, but in this passage, he acknowledges how grateful he is to have them.

“Ryan nodded. He couldn’t deny Fabian anything right now. Not when he was gazing up at him through those long lashes, his eyelids shimmering with black shadow. Ryan dipped his head to kiss Fabian again. He liked that Fabian made him feel attractive. Made him feel…sexy.”

Ryan and Fabian’s sexual relationship offers Ryan newfound confidence while reawakening him to his own life and body. At the start of the novel, Ryan is socially withdrawn, physically self-conscious, and sexually awkward. He thinks he is bad at sex and doubts that anyone would want to be with him because of how his body looks, the job he works, and how he presents his sexuality. However, in this intimate scene, Ryan feels confident, sexy, and self-assured. He is both admiring his lover while acknowledging his own comfortability and enjoyment.

“But Ryan couldn’t help his feelings. It was like he’d just been going through the motions of living for the past thirteen years, dragging himself from city to city. Waking up alone in hotel rooms and barely furnished apartments, watching videos of hockey fights, and trying to hide the fact that he was just barely holding himself together at any given moment.”

Ryan’s reflections on his and Fabian’s developing romance reiterate the novel’s theme of the impact of adolescent longing on adult relationships. Being with Fabian has opened Ryan to the world once more. Instead of “going through the motions” and accepting his life as it is, Ryan feels more engaged and awake. Fabian has reminded him of a younger and purer version of himself; reconnecting with his adolescent identity helps Ryan rediscover his authentic self.

“Fabian didn’t like to think about Ryan’s other life too much, or how Fabian could belong there. Maybe he was getting too far ahead of himself, but the idea of being asked to go to hockey games, to attend team parties, to be around other hockey players and hockey fans, wasn’t something Fabian could quite stomach. He’d like to say that he wanted to try, but he really didn’t. What he wanted, and he knew it was horribly selfish of him, was for Ryan to walk away from hockey.”

Hockey acts as one of the primary conflicts within Ryan and Fabian’s relationship. The lovers have a nearly idyllic opposites-attract relationship. Over time, however, Ryan’s career with the NHL proves increasingly difficult to reconcile with the quieter, freer, more artistic life that Fabian leads in Toronto. In this passage, Fabian considers how he really feels about Ryan’s work. He wants Ryan to quit hockey but also knows that asking him to do so might draw them apart.

“He couldn’t be with a man if he only allowed himself to see the best parts of him. It wouldn’t be fair to Ryan or to himself. If he was serious about this relationship—and he was—he had to be brave enough to take the rose-colored glasses off.”

One of Fabian’s main flaws is ignoring reality; he does not always want to see things as they are because he wants to be positive and happy. In his relationship with Ryan, he initially chooses to only see Ryan’s “best traits,” but over time, Fabian’s rosy outlook estranges him from the reality of Ryan’s violent career. In this passage, he tries to prepare himself to confront the truth and tell Ryan how he feels about his work.

“It wasn’t that he was disappointed Fabian was keeping their relationship a secret from them, it was more that he understood all the reasons why. Reasons that reinforced his fear that this thing he had with Fabian couldn’t possibly last. They were simply too different. They didn’t make sense.”

The narrative uses the opposites-attract romance trope to both bring Ryan and Fabian together and create conflict in their relationship. In this passage, Ryan is reflecting on the drawbacks of his and Fabian’s contrasting lifestyles, worlds, and personalities. He worries that Fabian isn’t telling his family about him because he fears they are ultimately incompatible. At this juncture of the novel, the characters are still learning to accept and reconcile their differences.

“Fabian didn’t need to know any of this. Just like Fabian hadn’t needed to know about that panic attack. Ryan wished no one had told him; it would only strengthen his belief that Ryan should quit hockey. He didn’t outright say it, but Ryan knew it was how he felt. But Ryan was managing both the anxiety and the back pain just fine. He couldn’t expect Fabian to understand the demands of professional hockey.”

Ryan hides parts of his history, work, and life from Fabian because he fears abandoning his “tough guy” persona. He does not think that Fabian needs to know about his panic attack, his back injury, or his use of painkillers because he does not want Fabian to see the real toll that hockey is taking on him. He knows this lifestyle is no longer sustainable but is wary of letting it all go because he does not know who he would be if he stopped being an enforcer. The passage thus reiterates the theme of toughness as a professional role that corrodes the self.

“Because Ryan was the bravest person Fabian had ever met. Ryan might not believe it, but Fabian knew it was true. He faced his fears every day—flying, fighting, socializing—and how many people could say that? Fabian was the coward. Ryan’s career terrified him, so he’d run away. Fabian wanted to fix this problem desperately.”

The way that Fabian describes Ryan in this passage provides insight into Ryan’s true character. Throughout the novel, Ryan’s ongoing internal monologue presents him as a socially awkward, anxious, insecure individual who is too afraid to make any real change. Fabian’s point of view challenges Ryan’s self-deprecation. Fabian can see in Ryan what Ryan cannot see in himself.

“Fabian pressed his lips together, and his eyes glistened. He let out one long shuddering breath, and said, ‘I think it might be possible that I’ve always been in love with you. I know how absurd that sounds, but it’s the truth.’”

Fabian’s profession of love reiterates the novel’s theme of the impact of adolescent longing on adult relationships. Over a decade has passed since Ryan and Fabian knew each other as teenagers, but their platonic boyhood connection set a precedent for their intimate relationship to come.