When I Grow Up I Want to Be a List of Further Possibilities

The title of Chen’s poem, “When I Grow Up I Want to Be a List of Further Possibilities,” acts as a primer for the content to come. The body of the poem is itself a list of every outcome Chen imagines for his future relationships. The anaphora of the infinitive verb “to be” creates a sense of order within the poem, cataloging every future “possibility” Chen foresees for his life consecutively on the page (Line 1) (see: Literary Devices “Form and Meter,” “Anaphora”).

Despite Chen’s work being autobiographical, he maintains some semblance of privacy by only using the first initial of his specific relation’s names. Across the poem’s 15 stanzas, Chen examines his capacity to be a good friend, son, nephew, brother, and partner for the people in his life, discovering more and more about himself as the poem goes on (see: Themes “Self-Discovery).

Stanzas 1 and 2 discuss platonic friendship. Chen begins with the admission that he wants “to be a good / ex/current friend for R. To be one last // inspired way to get back at R. To be relationship / advice for L” (Lines 1-4). Chen leads with the relationship dynamics of his friendships because of the universality of the experience, aligning himself with his readers from the onset of the poem. Chen’s tone is honest and humorous, admitting that despite his potential to be “good,” he does not know if “R” will be in his life forever (Lines 1-2). Yet, there is levity within the honesty of this potential loss as Chen childishly plots a way to “get back at R” for whatever may cause their friendship to end (Line 3). Chen combines seriousness with playfulness, aspiring “to be advice” for those he cares most about (Line 4).

Chen’s consistent use of enjambment allows him to transition seamlessly from one facet of his identity to the next, introducing new relationships into the poem with ease (see: Literary Devices “Enjambment”). Line 4, “to be advice,” is not end-stopped, flowing naturally into Line 5 without pause (Line 4). Here, Chen begins to reveal more intimate details about his life, moving from the more universal concept of friendship into his specific family dynamics. Slowly, readers learn about Chen’s mother and her apparent illness, which is underscored by the repeated image of the “hospital bed” in Lines 6-7. The repetition of this image also adds a tone of desperation and fear into the poem. Now, readers not only see Chen as a friend, but as a son and a caretaker. He reveals parts of himself one by one, untangling the intersections of his identity for readers to understand more easily (see: Themes “Intersectionality” and Further Literary Resources).

However, this tone of mortal fear vanishes as quickly as it appears. In Stanza 4, Chen introduces his aunt and uncle, commenting that, “in [his] spare time,” he wants to be “America for [his] uncle, who wants to be China” for him (Lines 7-8). Chen never perseverates on negative possibilities for long, and instead tries to find joy in the hard times. He is both caretaker for his sick mother and fun nephew for his aunt and uncle, imagining himself as “a country of trafficless roads / & a sports car for [his] aunt, who likes to go // fast” (Lines 9-11). Chen subtly reveals his identity as Chinese American in Stanzas 4 and 5. The language of nationality situates him in two worlds, complicating his conception of self further as he attempts to be true to every part of himself.

Chen describes everything he wants to be for the people in his life through metaphors: exact comparisons between two unrelated things used for dramatic or poetic effect. Chen cannot literally be “relationship / advice,” or “a more comfortable / hospital bed” for his mother; however, by directly comparing himself to these hyper specific concepts and things, Chen activates readers’ imaginations (Lines 3-6). Metaphors like “to be a country of trafficless roads / & a sports car for my aunt, who likes to go // fast” express nuances for which no standard vocabulary exists (Lines 9-11). Figurative language allows Chen to transform into anything he wants to be on his path of self-discovery, adding to the limitless quality of his future.

Chen’s identity is constantly in flux throughout the poem as he attempts to meet the expectations of everyone around him. An apparent shift in tone occurs between Stanzas 5 and 7 as Chen grapples with maintaining a good relationship with his parents at the expense of another inherent part of his identity: his queerness. The light-hearted humor found in the beginning of the poem changes to “a cyclone” of uncomfortable laughter as Chen endures anti-gay comments from his parents (Line 11). The lines of Stanzas 7 and 8 are predominantly italicized, denoting that someone else is speaking. Chen recounts how his parents say: “their new co-worker is like that, they can tell / because he wears pink socks, see, you don’t, so you can’t, // can’t be one of them” (Lines 13-15). His parents rely on stereotypes when encountering an identity contrary to their own, equating being gay to the gendered color of “pink,” and therefore characterizing it as weak and less than (see: Symbols and Motifs “The Pink Socks”). Chen’s love for his parents is at odds with his radical self-acceptance, as he struggles “to be the one / [his] parents raised him to be” (Lines 15-16) (see: Themes “The Biological Family Versus The Found Family”).

While Chen’s parents project their ideas and opinions onto him, Chen himself endeavors to break the cycle. Following the inclusion of his parents’ subtle anti-gay remarks, Chen writes that he wants “to be a backpack of PB&J & every / thing I know, for my brothers, who are becoming // their own storms” (Lines 19-21). The child-like language of “backpack[s]” and “PB&J[‘s]” asserts that his brothers are younger than him (Line 19). Chen aspires to be an example for them, to be a safe place for them to land as they embark on their own journeys of self-discovery.

The entire poem is concerned with the external opinions and expectations of others up until this point: Chen’s primary focus being how he can be the best, most accepted version of himself. He characterizes himself as a social chameleon, constantly changing as quickly as the subjects of his stanzas do (see: Literary Devices “Form and Meter”). However, after admitting that he does not want his brothers to endure the same hardship he did growing up, Chen finally begins to center himself in the narrative of the poem. He does not talk about his relationship with himself until Stanza 11, stating simply, “to be, for me, nobody, / homebody, body in bed watching TV” (Lines 21-22) (see: Symbols and Motifs “Nobody”). Suddenly, the poem is free of constraints and expectations. After writing at length about living for everyone else in his life, Chen discovers that there is comfort in defining himself on his own terms. He does not have to perform a singular role when he is alone, but rather, can simultaneously be everything and nothing, whatever he wants to be on any given day.

This simplicity carries over into his relationship with his partner, J, as he writes that his only aspiration is “to be close, J., / to everything that is close to you” (Lines 25-26). The through line of the poem is human connection, understanding the self in order to form intimate and important relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners (see: Symbols and Motifs “Human Connection”). Chen does not shy away from revealing the complexities of maintaining relationships, and instead, he welcomes it. The poem concludes with a list of colored objects: “blue blanket, red cup, green shoes / with pink laces. // To be the blue and the red. / The green, the hot pink,” calling back to his parents limited understanding of being gay to reveal that he wishes to be all the colors at once, to be true to every single part of himself all the time regardless of social norms (Lines 27-30).

Chen separates every facet of himself and his relationships within “When I Grow Up I Want to Be a List of Further Possibilities,” in an attempt to make sense of the complexities. The poem embodies Chen’s process of self-discovery, physically showing how he grapples with the intersections of his gender, race, and sexuality as they apply to and alter his platonic, familial, and romantic relationships. By committing this to paper, Chen acknowledges that he is all of these things at once: a son, a friend, a partner; he is a gay Chinese American man learning what it means to value himself enough to not alter his personality for those around him. Chen writes with honesty and authenticity, validating his own messy and beautiful process of becoming.