Winger

“Everyone on the team knew that Joey was gay, but no one ever had a problem with it, either. He was honest about it with the guys, and they accepted him because of it, plus he never acted or talked like the stereotypical gay guys that people think are caricatures of the entire population…That’s one of the other things about rugby too: I think that because it is such a fringe kind of sport that practically borders on the insane, rugby guys stick up for and tolerate one another more than boys tend to do in other sports. Sure, sometimes the guys would make teasing jokes behind Joey’s back and even to his face, but they did that to every single player on the team, and being gay, or uncoordinated, or only fourteen and in eleventh grade for that matter, didn’t really have anything to do with it, because there was absolute equality of opportunity in being picked on in a good-natured kind of way. But no one on our team ever took it too seriously.”

Ryan Dean’s perception here of how well his peers accept Joey’s sexuality is faulty. While none of the rugby players are involved with Joey’s murder, Ryan Dean’s comparison of Joey’s sexual identity to mild flaws (being uncoordinated) or differences (“fourteen and in eleventh grade”) is problematic because Joey’s “different” identity leads to his death, unlike the other examples he gives. This quote’s placement at the beginning of the story probably indicates that Ryan Dean doesn’t truly grasp the potential bigotry of his schoolmates and that the events of the story will lead to his “fall from innocence.” 

“When we were finished, some of the football players actually clapped. At least they got it, that it was all in fun and that if you messed with the rugby team, we were going to mess right back. But it wasn’t a threatening or intimidating ‘messing with’—it was always meant to show that we could take a joke, and joke back, too.” 

The rivalry and animosity between the rugby and football teams is reinforced here, and again Ryan Dean exhibits a naïve understanding of where the hostility might lead. He views the dynamic between the teams as harmless ribbing rather than something borne out of actual and vicious dislike, which the hate crime at the end of the book will reveal. Taking offense at being made fun of is here identified as not being able to “take a joke,” which isn’t a valid option under the school’s code of masculinity—particularly athletic masculinity.

“I opened my notebook and wrote a letter to Annie. Even if I never gave it to her, at least I felt like I could write down what I wished I could tell her. In true Ryan Dean West fashion, I drew a Venn diagram on the note, trying to explain to her something about myself, the little boy, hoping that maybe she would realize what I thought was so obvious about the people we deal with, who are all around us, everywhere and every day. And as soon as I’d written the first couple of sentences, I reread them and they sounded so pathetic and lost that I just tore the page from my notebook and threw it away.” 

Annie’s assessment of Ryan Dean as a “little boy” clearly rankles him, to the point that he wants to try to change her mind. Although he’s in love with her, Ryan Dean can’t understand why she can’t see what he “thought was so obvious” about the people around them. Ryan Dean’s own assessment of himself is faulty here because he himself doesn’t understand or recognize underlying dynamics between his classmates. 

“I didn’t say anything, but I suddenly felt really awkward being here, in my bed, alone in my room, with a gay guy. And then I immediately got pissed off at myself for even thinking shit like that, for doing the same kind of crap to Joey that everyone else did, ‘cause I knew what it felt like too, being so not-like-all-the-other-guys-here. And I don’t mean I know what it felt like to be gay, because I don’t, but I do know what it felt like to be the ‘only’ one of something. Heck, as far as I know, there’s just got to be more gay eleventh graders than fourteen-year-old eleventh graders, anyway.” 

Despite his insistence that he and his teammates don’t treat Joey any differently because of his sexuality, Ryan Dean reacts differently to Joey than to his straight peers, especially at the beginning of the book. Although he reproaches himself for experiencing feelings of unease around Joey and tells himself that he knows what it’s like to be different, he does in fact feel uncomfortable around him, usurping Joey’s “claim” to sympathy by deciding that he is “more different” than the older boy. His assessment that there are more gay eleventh graders than fourteen-year-old eleventh graders undermines the actual danger from intolerant classmates that Joey faces.

“If someone had asked me am I in love with Annie Altman, I’d have to say I don’t know, because I really don’t know. I have nothing to compare with how I feel about her. But I do know that I feel this kind of a need where she is concerned; I need her to notice me more than she does; I need to think that I make her lighter when she sees me. And there’s no way I could ever believe that was possible, because it was just little me, Ryan Dean West, fourteen years old, walking around in the exact same clothes and tie as four hundred other guys here at Pine Mountain, every one of us so much the same, except for me, except for that one thing she noticed that she couldn’t get over, that made me so unattractively different from every other eleventh-grade boy in this shithole.” 

Ryan Dean continues to ruminate on Annie’s perception of him, evaluating himself negatively because she doesn’t have the feelings he wishes she would. This is a pattern that will repeat itself through much of the book: Annie evaluates Ryan Dean differently than he’d hoped, he internalizes this assessment as objective truth about himself, and he tries to change himself in response. Ryan Dean often reacts to himself as a “loser” because of how Annie feels about him, exhibiting a common teenage behavior of using peers’ judgments about one’s self as the basis for self-worth.

“…I knew I’d given her enough of a good reason for not ever talking to me again: I had crossed over, tried to make myself so much the same as a guy like Chas Becker by breaking the rules and playing poker and getting drunk, as if those stupid behaviors could ever incite some magical evolution in the ape of Ryan Dean West and cause him to shed his tail and walk upright in Annie’s eyes.” 

In keeping with his pattern of self-deprecation because Annie doesn’t view him as a romantic object, Ryan Dean here imagines himself as an “ape,” an animal lower on the Darwinian evolutionary hierarchy than humans. Ryan Dean’s dehumanization of himself is one example of how he takes Annie’s reactions to him and skews them in an extreme way that expresses his emotional pain. Smith adds hyperbole to make Ryan Dean’s pain and despair over Annie’s rejection more apparent. 

“And here’s Ryan Dean West. Well, at least, it’s the one tiny part of Ryan Dean West that makes him stand out as being so different, the only thing that everyone notices about him. The number fourteen. And you think that makes me so different, like I’m a little kid. But the thing is, everyone has that little part that’s outside the overlap of everyone else. And a lot of people zero in on that one little thing they can’t get over. Like for Joey, ‘cause he’s gay, I guess. Some people are better than others about not getting that outside-the-overlap part so noticed, but not me.” 

Ryan Dean’s words to Annie in this passage underscore how important it can be for teenagers to “blend in” and not stick out from their peers, especially when it comes to traits that are “undesirable,” as Ryan Dean views his young age. While Ryan Dean seems to celebrate diversity when he says “everyone has that little part” that makes each person unique, his main desire for himself is to conform to a “standard” in Annie’s eyes. Rather than accept or embrace the age difference between them, he wants her to ignore or see past it—this attitude will change as he and Annie begin their romantic relationship and he eventually accepts himself.  

“I was practically crying, but there was no way I was going to cry in front of a gay guy, even if he was my friend.”

Ryan Dean’s inability to completely express himself in front of Joey is again displayed here. Crying in front of Joey, rather than being a way to show vulnerability and trust, would be “weak” because Joey is a “gay guy.” The implication is that Joey might misunderstand Ryan Dean’s “weakness” as a romantic invitation, another sign that Ryan Dean hasn’t completely accepted or understood Joey. 

“So I knew she really did want to kiss me. And, as far as I was concerned, her it-won’t-happen-again was nothing more than a challenge. I had a perfect plan, thanks to her confession…” 

Ryan Dean interprets Annie’s emotional subtext as she verbally says that she doesn’t want a romantic relationship with him but sends conflicting nonverbal signals. Rather than become discouraged, as he has in the past, he views her rebuff as a “challenge.” Although his decision to persuade Annie to change her mind succeeds, Ryan Dean’s persistence could also be interpreted as a refusal to recognize the importance of potential partners to be honest with each other, rather than send conflicting messages verbally and nonverbally.

“Now one more thing: about last night. Man! I had no idea you were going to kiss me, Annie! Yuck!!!! I guess I was groggy from the stitches, but I didn’t think you’d try to do something like that! ‘Cause damn! Why would you want to kiss a LITTLE KID??? And anyway, let me tell you that if I ever wanted to kiss you, I would have already done it. I am a guy, and that’s what guys do. That’s why we have BALLS. No big deal, but if I am not afraid to get in a fight with JP or Chas (who I punched last night), I wouldn’t be afraid to kiss you, believe me. I would have done it a long time ago.” 

In this letter to Annie, Ryan Dean tries to use reverse psychology to keep her interested in him despite her most recent rejection of his romantic advances. He also jokingly references her assessment of him as a “little kid” to show her that it doesn’t bother him. Most significantly, the passage reveals that Ryan Dean—at least to Annie—believes that manliness is correlated with decisiveness, a belief that is the byproduct of the masculine norms he absorbs at Pine Mountain. 

“I don’t think any of us could stop thinking about Kevin and why something like this happened to someone as easygoing as him. It hurt us all because Kevin could accept anyone and anything, which is why, we all knew, he didn’t mind rooming with Joey—something that would be social death to most guys. But Kevin was just Kevin.” 

Several dynamics between Ryan Dean and his teammates are apparent in this passage. First, the team is saddened because Kevin didn’t “deserve” to get stabbed, given his easy-going, accepting personality—implying that this earns him more of their sympathy than a less agreeable teammate might have. Also, significantly, Ryan Dean believes that most of them think that being Joey’s roommate would be “social death,” implying that Joey carries an undeserved stigma despite the other ways that the team shows acceptance of him.

“I never saw anyone on the team cry before, but just then I thought Joey might have been. And I felt really awkward, but I put my arm around Joey’s shoulders. And then I thought about how stupid I was for feeling like that because I wouldn’t feel weird putting an arm around Seanie or Kevin or any other guy friend of mine who was hurting.” 

This passage is another example of the feelings of unease and self-consciousness that mark Ryan Dean’s interactions with Joey. He again chastises himself for feeling that way but continues to be aware of his discomfort. However, Ryan Dean’s decision to ignore his ill-founded feelings of self-consciousness around Joey leads to more closeness between them—by the time the team returns to Pine Mountain, he says that he and Joey are “best friends.” 

“I looked at her, and she actually blushed. I couldn’t believe it—Annie Altman turning red; and I wondered if she had that same inner-voice thing where she was currently calling herself a loser, even if I did think it looked totally hot when it happened to her. Blushing, I mean.”

Ryan Dean wonders if Annie shares his struggles with low self-esteem. Although Annie seems more self-confident than Ryan Dean, feelings of inadequacy are common enough that she too may experience them. However, Ryan Dean’s idealization of Annie continues when he notes how much he is attracted to her even in her flustered state, demonstrating that his perception of her is driven by his own feelings. 

“And there was no interruption from the visually abrasive Mrs. Singer; there was nothing in the entire universe except for me and Annie finally getting something over with that had been making us both crazy for so long. I didn’t care that she’d won our little game, because for those incredible minutes, pinning her body between mine and the coolness of the painted concrete wall in that old mill, my hands holding the back of her neck, feeling the softness of her hair falling across the sweat of my arms, I finally didn’t feel like such a loser.” 

Thrilled with the newfound romantic energy between him and Annie, Ryan Dean reveals at the end of the passage that her acceptance helps him feel better about himself. The link between how other people feel about him and how he feels about himself is evident. The mention of Mrs. Singer, “the Witch”, contrasts with Annie’s “Maiden”-like presence, and symbolically implies that Ryan Dean and Annie’s romantic connection in this portion of the book will be broken.

“Part of me wanted to strip completely naked and just run out into the woods and be some kind of free and wild boy who never had to do anything for anyone except run around naked in the forest and kill things when he got hungry. But just feeling the nylon of my running shorts against my shriveling skin, I guess, somehow reminded me that I had a plane to catch later that day, and Calculus homework, and I was supposed to be reading In Our Time; and I’d been neglecting all that stuff because I was too busy thinking I was some kind of free and wild boy ever since Friday afternoon. So now it was time again to be Ryan Dean West, the fucking loser kid who’s fourteen and in eleventh grade.”

In this passage, Ryan Dean fantasizes about shedding social constraints as he struggles yet again with rejection from Annie. Part of the fantasy is to transcend what he thinks of as his “loser” self, which is deeply embedded in social anxieties. However, the fantasy is short-lived, and he knows it is associated in part with visiting the island where Annie’s parents live, not a serious solution to his problems. 

“And the truth is, yeah, I had a great time, and, yeah, I wanted to come back so bad, it felt like I was getting stabbed in my skinny-bitch-ass chest, but just wanting that and feeling that wasn’t going to change my universe.” 

Ryan Dean’s positive emotions about staying with the Altmans indicate that his own family failed to provide for him emotionally. The passage demonstrates the self-loathing he experiences as well, which manifests itself as a comment about his physical body, as it does throughout the novel. The quote also illustrates the despair Ryan Dean feels over experiencing any change in his life, a feeling that will eventually be displaced as he visits the Altmans again over Thanksgiving at the end of the book.

“And I’m not going to feel sorry for myself or try to defend my stupidity, which had been elevated to a kind of Wild-Boy-Meets-Gandhi religion, but the whiskey did wash those sewing needles out of my throat, and I was so pissed off about JP and Annie hugging that I honestly believe I was trying to hurt myself.” 

Here, Ryan Dean engages in another common teenage behavior: trying to numb his painful feelings over JP and Annie’s hug by getting drunk. Unlike the first time he got drunk, which he did to fit in with the group and avoid Chas’s wrath, now Ryan Dean uses the experience consciously to achieve numbness. The quote also contains familiar self-loathing rhetoric as Ryan Dean talks about his “stupidity.”

“I didn’t really feel bad about anything I’d done, but I did feel sorry that Chas was hurting over Megan, because I knew that feeling firsthand. But I tried to remind myself how stupid it was for me to feel sorry for a guy like Chas. Still, the whole thing made me think about how crazy I was for Annie, and how JP was trying to do the same thing to me that I’d been doing to Chas all along.” 

Ryan Dean, who struggles to empathize with Chas because he thinks the two of them are so different, here realizes that they share some common emotional experiences, as they are both rejected by the girls they care about. However, Ryan Dean demonstrates that he hasn’t fully shed his self-centeredness, as he prioritizes his pain concerning the Megan-Chas love triangle. Ryan Dean still feels insecure about his own relationship with Annie, making him resentful of JP; this feeling will dissipate as he and Annie solidify their own relationship.

“I didn’t feel awkward talking to Joey, or being in a situation where we were alone together, and I know that’s a crappy thing for me to even point out in the first place, like I have to defend myself for being best friends with a guy who happens to be gay. But most guys just got all tense around Joey in normal social situations, like any time we weren’t out on the pitch and bashing each others’ brains out in playing rugby. You could just see it in the way guys’ shoulders would tighten up, and you could hear it in the way they’d talk—like they never really talked directly to Joey, even if they were asking him something, it was always like they were talking past him, or to the ground or something, and in really short sentences. It’s weird, but I noticed it, and I’m sure Joey did too.”

Ryan Dean’s earlier claim about the team accepting Joey after he comes out is called into question in this passage. It seems that the rugby players, except for Ryan Dean, are in fact uneasy and uncomfortable when they’re around him. Although Ryan Dean excludes himself from this group, it underscores the problems that Joey faces because of his schoolmates’ reactions to him—foreshadowing Casey and Nick’s hatred that culminates in Joey’s murder.

“You know, nothing ever goes back exactly the way it was. Things just expand and contract. Like the universe, like breathing. But you’ll never fill your lungs up with the same air twice. Sometimes, it would be cool if you could pause and rewind and do over. But I think anyone would get tired of that after one or two times.”

Joey’s words about change in life are prophetic because they foreshadow his death, a violent and tragic change that will leave Ryan Dean reeling emotionally. Smith uses Joey as the mouthpiece for the constant-change philosophy because, symbolically, his death will embody that idea. Joey’s words also serve as a counterpoint to Ryan Dean’s feeling of being “stuck,” and Joey’s philosophy about life ultimately ends up being proved right as Ryan Dean’s life changes in various ways by the end of the book.

“The creepiest nights seem to evaporate into nothing once the sun comes up and you can hear the sounds of guys out in the hallway talking crap to each other and play fighting while they get ready for school. So I hardly gave another thought to how scared I had been when I came home from the dance; and I didn’t really even want to ask any of the other boys what had gone on in the dorm before I got back to O-Hall. Routine has a way of making you feel like an idiot after you’ve gotten all worked up over things not being in their expected order.” 

Ryan Dean tries to brush off his unease from the night before by telling himself that he merely had an overreaction to things not being in “their expected order”. As with Mrs. Singer, however, he has intuited something important beneath the surface of his life. His unease will eventually prove to be well-founded.

“The thing about rugby is this: You can hate a guy off the pitch who will save your fucking balls on the pitch when you play on the same side. There is nothing more glorious than that.” 

Ryan Dean here examines the disparity between the way that rugby players treat each other on and off the pitch from a different angle. Support and solidarity that the teammates feel unable to give personally is available to each other in an athletic context. Ryan Dean doesn’t question this dichotomy, but instead revels in it since it means that those he doesn’t get along with in non-rugby contexts—notably Chas—will support him as their teammate.

“What happened to Joey messed me up worse than anything I ever had to recover from. And I’ll be honest. It scared me to leave Pine Mountain, even if it did mean spending four days with Annie. […] As ridiculous as it sounds, I kept thinking something terrible would happen if I left Kevin and Chas. But I knew I was being stupid and that I had to do something to make myself get over being afraid, if I was ever going to grow up and get better.” 

As he experiences intense emotions after Joey’s death, Ryan Dean yet again uses self-loathing to try and “snap out” of his feelings, calling himself “stupid”. The passage also conveys his fears following the trauma of Joey’s death. Rather than wanting to escape Pine Mountain, he is afraid to leave it, associating leaving with abandoning his friends, as he feels he abandoned Joey when he let him leave alone after the dance. Ryan Dean thinks this is a childish belief, telling himself to “grow up” so he can “get better.”