“My logic is wildly simple. It goes like this: Saying no has gotten me here. Here sucks. Saying yes might be my way to someplace better. If not a way to someplace better, at least to someplace different.

I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t want a choice. Once I saw the unhappiness, felt the unhappiness, recognized and named it…well, just knowing about it made me itchy. Like itchy on the inside of my brain. Continuing to say no was not going to get me anywhere.”

When Rhimes initially considers carrying out the Year of Yes, she is unsure whether it will lead to the result she is searching for: true happiness. But she is willing to try anyway, as she reasons that doing more of the same is not giving her the results that she wants. This quote reflects Rhimes’s early realization that The Challenge of Instituting Life Changes begins with acknowledging that her current way of living—marked by habitual avoidance—was no longer serving her happiness or growth.

“What am I afraid they will see if I am really myself? I know it’s not the graduates. It’s the rest of the world. It’s all the other people out there who will hear the speech and judge it and criticize it. And know things about me because of it. I don’t know if I want them to know me.”

Getting at the root of her fears is vital as Rhimes begins to make life changes. Her fear of public speaking, she realizes, is rooted in a type of lack of confidence by which she does not want to appear vulnerable in front of others lest they learn that she is flawed and imperfect. She expresses a fear of being known and dislikes for who she is. Ironically, the more Rhimes exposes her weaknesses, the more confident she becomes.

“I step up to the podium. And then…Something completely special occurs. If you watch the video, you can see the moment it happens. I am standing at the podium. I look out at the crowd. I take a deep breath in. I’m still waiting for it—the fear, the panic, the nerves. I’m almost asking for it. Searching for it. Looking around for it. It must be here somewhere. But when I stare out into that crowd of graduating students in their green caps and gowns, all I see is…me.”

Rhimes discovers that when she shifts her focus away from fearing how the audience will judge her to instead focusing on how she can help the audience with her words, her fear goes away, and she becomes confident. This speech—the Dartmouth College commencement address—coupled with the appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Live show are important milestones in Rhimes’s Year of Yes. This quote offers a sense of Rhimes watching herself grow by reflecting on the video, pinpointing the exact moment when she sees herself expecting hostility and finds that there is none.

“Powerful women don’t say out loud that they have help at home, that they have nannies, housekeepers, chefs, assistants, stylists—whatever it is they have to keep their worlds spinning—they don’t say out loud that they have these people at home doing these jobs because they are ashamed. Or maybe a more precise way to say it is that these women have been shamed.”

As Rhimes struggles with her conflicting feelings as she attempts to prioritize both motherhood and a career, she comes to accept that much of this conflict has been thrust upon her by societal expectations. Deciding to no longer be beholden to these expectations allows Rhimes to find more happiness. This insight connects directly to the theme of Societal Expectations Placed Upon Women, as Rhimes uncovers the invisible labor and shame culture surrounding working mothers who seek help.

“We’ve [mothers] have all been taught to shame and be ashamed. And why wouldn’t we feel ashamed? How could we not feel ashamed. We’re not supposed to have any help. We’re supposed to do it all ourselves. Even if we are working. So if you have kids and you get help to care for them? SHAME ON YOU. […] Caterina Scorsone (who also happens to play Amelia Shepherd on Grey’s Anatomy and Private Practice) and I spend a lot of time to ranting to each other about this issue.

‘No man,’ she points out often, ‘has ever had to apologize for having help in order to take care of his home and his kids. Ever. Why do we?”

As Rhimes assesses the guilt she feels over hiring a nanny to assist with her children, she discovers that much of this guilt stems from societal expectations about parenting and the double standard it sets for men and women. These expectations are so deeply ingrained in the collective psyche of women that they even torment women who can easily afford outside care. By refusing to cave to these pressures to need no one, Rhimes becomes happier.

“Making it [saying ‘yes’] such a steadfast rule allows me to peel away some of the work pressure I put on myself. To know that I ‘don’t have a choice’ means that I don’t feel any guilt stepping away from my workaholic tendencies.”

In enacting her “yes” plan, Rhimes understands that she must set up parameters that will allow her to be successful. She uses her fierce belief in carrying out a commitment to her advantage here, forcing herself to spend time with her children in a way that gradually makes her able to achieve an effective work/life balance.

“Losing yourself does not happen all at once. Losing yourself happens one no at a time. No to going out tonight. No to catching up with that old college roommate. No to attending that party. No to going on a vacation. No to making a new friend. Losing yourself happens one pound at a time. The more I worked, the more stressed I was. The more stressed I was, the more I ate.”

Here Rhimes takes stock of her weight gain in order to determine the lifestyle choices which caused it. She learns that she has been saying “no” to helpful and healthy behaviors and practices and changing this “no” to a “yes” helps her to improve. This moment of reflection speaks to The Challenge of Instituting Life Changes, as Rhimes recognizes that saying “no” to healthy practices and community has quietly eroded her sense of self.

“Wait. Oh . Oh. And holy crap. There it is. I’ve already been saying yes. I have been saying yes to being fat. Which is WHY I’m now so fat. I’m not a failure; I’m successfully fat. I didn’t let go of the wheel; I just turned the car down the far road. I have been saying yes to fatness.”

As Rhimes assesses what has led to the decline in her physical health, she acknowledges that she played an active role in choosing an unhealthy lifestyle. By framing her actions not as flaws or failures but as missteps or mistakes, Rhimes puts her energy toward acting on the improvements she wishes to make, rather than on berating herself for past choices.

“I gave myself a choice. Which yes did I want to say? There were two options: I can say yes, I want to be successful at this. I want to be healthy. I want to live a long life for myself and for my children. I want to feel good. And once I say that, I have to buckle down and do the work and not complain and accept that the work is going to be hard. Because that is what it is. Work. Hard work.”

Rhimes commits to improving her physical health here, being frank about the way in which her actions and decisions have led her to poorer health. She is adamant that reversing this behavior will be challenging.

“Now, I’m betting all of those big-time programs you see advertised and recommended by your doctor work. But only if you decide that YOU are going to do the work to make the programs work. Meaning, nothing works if you don’t actually decide that you are really and truly ready to do it.”

As she makes large scale life changing—such as losing weight by exercising and changing eating habits—Rhimes stresses that such changes are effectively made only if one is unfailingly committed to institute the actions needed to carry out that change. She is honest and open about the difficulties she faces in instituting this change but her commitment to the Year of Yes prompts her to stick with this commitment.

“This is a room full of women. Powerful women. I am on the list. Theoretically, I am one of these powerful women. Theoretically, these are my peers. And yet…I don’t actually know a single woman on the list. What this really is? Is a room full of strangers. Powerful strangers.”

Though Rhimes has been active in her professional field for many years, her introvert tendencies have prevented her from engaging with her peers in a meaningful way. As the Year of Yes prompts her to assess all areas of her life, she decides that this too is an area she wishes to change.

“I couldn’t handle being told I am awesome. What in the hell is wrong with us? I didn’t have any answers. And not having any answers, I did what I was now starting to do in these situations. I decided to YES it. Which is what I was finding myself doing more and more frequently. Instead of wallowing in the problem, I figure out what its YES would be.”

As the Year of Yes progresses, Rhimes continues to identify areas of her life that she desires to change. Applying the “yes” strategy to aspects of her personality or approach to life that are flawed or do not bring her fulfillment becomes a method of making lasting life changes. Here, Rhimes demonstrates how Confronting and Overcoming Fears also requires unlearning the humility culture placed upon women.

“I don’t think it ever occurred to me before how much and how often women are praised for displaying traits that basically render them invisible. When I really think about it, I realize the culprit is the language generally used to praise women. Especially mothers. ‘She sacrificed everything for her children…She never thought about herself…She gave up everything for us…She worked tirelessly to make sure we had what we needed.’”

As Rhimes assesses why it is difficult for her to accept praise and compliments, she receives insight by examining the ways in which women are socialized. The messages that they receive—that they should belittle themselves—plays a strong role in their disinclination to applaud their accomplishments and accept such applause from others.

“I did not know how to celebrate my success in the face of my friends’ continued struggles. I worried that they would think I thought that I was a better writer than they were. I put a lot of food on top of it trying to deal with this problem. And by the way? Fatness made for a really nice balance. Fat and successful seemed much less threatening.”

Rhimes arrives at several realizations about the root of her unhappiness. Here, she examines the ways that some of her habitual behaviors are interconnected. Identifying these factors and their connectedness is key to Rhimes determining how to make lasting life changes.

“The years and years of saying no were, for me, a quiet way to let go. A silent means of giving up. An easy withdrawal from the world, from light, from life.”

The more that Rhimes digs in to her reasons for avoiding “yes,” the more she acknowledges that doing so was keeping her unhappy. She had been operating under the belief that her refusal to do certain things kept her in a safe, comfortable place, but this place was an unhappy and numb one.

“That was my very first no at work. My first moment of asserting myself as the leader, the captain of what we all thought was going to be a tiny sailboat called Untitled Shonda Rhimes Pilot but turned out to be a gigantic ocean liner called Grey’s Anatomy. My first NO. And my favorite NO. Because of that no? I decided that I was steering the ship. And I started behaving that way. I started behaving like the thing in my brain was our only true north. And that we would be guided by it no matter what.”

By sticking with her beliefs—even when they are unpopular or in the minority, Rhimes learns that she is able to be a more authentic version of herself. In this instance, going against the preference of others involved in the decision making process leads to Rhimes hiring Sandra Oh—a decision that will prove to be the correct one.

“You know what happens when all of your dreams come true? Nothing. I realized a very simple truth: that success, fame, having all my dreams come true would not fix or improve me; it wasn’t an instant potion for personal growth.”

Rhimes wishes to dispel the notion that although she has a career that she enjoys—one that places her in a position of privilege—she is not happy. Fame and success do not automatically lead to happiness, which is a belief that Rhimes once held and then un-learns during the Year of Yes.

“The reason I’ve been so afraid to say no is clear. I worried, ‘What if she gets angry? What if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore? What if she yells and things turn ugly?’ Now it’s happening. And all I can think is, ‘Good. Now I know.’ The worst thing that could happen is happening and…so what? It isn’t so awful.”

Part of Rhimes’s Year of Yes involves learning when it is wise and best to say “no.” Here she says “yes” to herself by refusing to give a large sum of money to an acquaintance who has requested it. Rhimes’s worst fears come true and she realizes that they are not nearly as hard to deal with as she worried they would be. On the contrary, sticking to her convictions brings Rhimes peace.

“The goal is that everyone should get to turn on the TV and see someone who looks like them and loves like them. And just as important, everyone should turn on the TV and see someone who doesn’t look like them and love like them. Because perhaps then they will learn from them.”

In her speech to the Human Rights Campaign, Rhimes explains why representation in the media is important and why she has explicitly set out to achieve this goal in television. Rhimes’s saying “yes” to giving this speech not only helped her confront her fear of public speaking but it provided an avenue to share a message that she feels is an important one.

“Once I said Yes to difficult conversations, once I said Yes to saying No, I made an interesting discovery. That discovery was: happy, whole people are drawn to happy, whole people, but nothing makes a toxic person more miserable and destructive than a happy, whole person. Unhappy people do not like it when a fellow unhappy person becomes happy.”

Rhimes learns that placing caveats on her “yes” is important, as she must protect her own mental health. She discovers that saying “no” to toxic people does not bring her guilt, but fullness and a more meaningful life. Here, Rhimes illustrates how Confronting and Overcoming Fears extends beyond external opportunities—it involves protecting her happiness and mental health by setting boundaries with toxic people.

“I feel sad. I’m grieving. I realize I’m not just losing Cristina. I’m losing Pam and Ken. Three fictional friends are going. Now that I can see the Shonda behind the curtain, now that I can see the track that has been laid, I can no longer see my Pam and my Ken. I just see these people who look like them wandering around the planet. My Pam and my Ken are dead. Truly dead. I can’t get them back. The loss is painful.”

During the life changes she makes, Rhimes comes to the realization that two of her close friends are not healthy people to have in her life. She gains insight into the damaging people these individuals truly are and realizes that the friends she thought she had are merely fictionalized versions of those people—that she, like she does when she writes a television character—”invented” these people to be the kind of friends she needed at the time.

“I feel a lot of warmth for Pam and Ken. The fictional versions. I don’t resent them. I’m grateful for them. They were great friends while I needed them. And whether or not any of the friendship was actually true, it was true for me.”

Rhimes realizes that an important aspect of making positive changes in her life is honoring the way that negative or difficult experience brought her growth and understanding. She values the way that she is able to use these experiences to learn from.

“Side note: the praise I received for having a guy everyone hoped I would marry eclipsed any and all praise or congratulations or excitement that accompanied the births of my children and any of my many career accomplishments. It was stunning. […] You know what’s a bigger taboo than being fat? Not wanting to get married.”

Rhimes comes to many realizations about the way that the expectations others place upon her life have been limiting and indirectly contributing to her unhappiness. Here, she examines the cultural and societal expectation that she prioritize marriage above all else, expressing shock that this one aspect of life eclipsed all she had already achieved. Gaining the courage and wisdom to not be bound by these notions is central in her obtaining true happiness during the Year of Yes.