You Exist Too Much

The narrator, a 26-year-old Palestinian American DJ, lives in Brooklyn with her girlfriend, Anna. A flashback to a trip to Bethlehem when she was 12 reveals the narrator’s fraught relationship with her mother, Laila. After being publicly shamed for wearing shorts, the narrator traded clothes with her uncle. She felt a sense of pride and exhilaration in the men’s trousers, which disconcerted her mother, an event the narrator identifies as the start of her self-destructive quest for love. In the present, she receives an acceptance letter to an MFA program in the Midwest. Her life is further complicated when Laila announces an impromptu visit to New York. The narrator invites her mother to dinner, telling Anna she plans to finally come out to her.

The narrator's history reveals a destructive pattern of intense, secret relationships with unavailable women. During college, she had a tumultuous affair with her roommate, Kate, which ended badly. Later, she had a clandestine relationship with an older, married Palestinian woman in Washington D.C., which ended when the woman publicly ignored her. After college, she spent six months in Florence and developed a deep emotional attachment to a younger Dutch woman she nicknamed “the Sacrifice,” a relationship that ended unresolved.

The dinner with Laila is a disaster. When the narrator poses a hypothetical question about marrying a woman, Laila reacts with fury, threatening to disown her before storming out. The narrator follows her to the Brooklyn Bridge, where Laila says the narrator will never find someone who loves her like her mother does. Then, she leaves in a taxi. 

The narrator has been nursing a year-long obsession with a married, pregnant French literature teacher, referred to as “the professor.” While she is on a trip to Joshua Tree with her best friend, Renata, Anna reads her emails and discovers the extent of her obsessions. Anna breaks up with her in a long, painful email, and when the narrator returns, Anna has moved out. Depressed and alone, the narrator begins abusing amphetamines and Xanax. She finds a treatment center called The Ledge online and enrolls in its 28-day program for “love addiction.”

At The Ledge in Kentucky, the narrator is placed in a therapy group with Greg, a surgeon addicted to heroin and sex; Molly, her roommate and a fellow love addict; and Alex, a codependent man obsessed with ending his wife's alcohol addiction. The narrator clashes with Greg over his misogynistic language, which reminds her of her emotionally distant father. In a group session, she confesses to having slept with a bridesmaid at a wedding in Beirut and then outing the woman to protect herself. The narrator confronts her trauma through a healing exercise focused on her mother, which is facilitated by a counselor named Charlotte. The exercise is emotionally devastating and leads to a breakthrough. Soon after, the narrator develops an intense, secret attraction to Charlotte. Prompted by the facility’s psychiatrist, Richard, she confesses her feelings. Charlotte offers a kind but clinical explanation, linking the attraction to the narrator’s need for approval from an unattainable maternal figure. Before the narrator leaves, Charlotte gives her name to find on Facebook. After returning to New York, the narrator adds her, only to see Charlotte posts the same generic message on all former clients’ walls, shattering her fantasy.

After moving to the Midwest for her MFA, the narrator meets Matías, a visiting writer from Argentina who is separated from his wife. They begin a passionate affair, but red flags soon appear, including a suspicious late-night call from his translator, Claire. During a trip to New York, Matías confesses to kissing Claire, blaming his own insecurity. The narrator, in turn, tells him about her mother and her time in treatment. Back in the Midwest, her suspicions grow, and a mutual friend confirms that Matías and Claire have been having an affair. The narrator orchestrates a confrontation with both of them in her apartment. Matías bombards her with apologies, and after a final meeting, she reconciles with him. He returns to Argentina, and they begin a long-distance relationship.

Matías invites her to visit Argentina, but after a conversation with Renata, the narrator reconsiders and breaks up with him over email. While she is debating his pleas for a second chance, she learns from Molly that Greg has died of a heroin overdose, which frightens her and reinforces her need to break her destructive patterns. To distract herself, she begins a casual affair with a younger student. As Matías’s planned visit to win her back approaches, her fantasy of him dissolves. When he arrives, she realizes her feelings are gone, and he leaves two weeks early.

A year later, the narrator is in a lukewarm relationship with a visual art professor and befriends her new neighbor, Tara, a recently divorced poet. They begin a secret, inconsistent, alcohol-fueled affair. The narrator becomes obsessed and jealous. When both are offered teaching positions in the UAE, the narrator fantasizes about a future with Tara but ultimately declines the offer, choosing self-preservation. After Tara meets someone else, their affair ends, and the narrator decides to move back to New York.

Back in New York, the narrator meets a new woman, Anouk, a filmmaker, and they begin a healthier, more stable relationship. The narrator travels to Palestine for her grandmother’s funeral, where she reconnects with her mother. Upon her return, she tells Laila the truth about Anouk, leading to a rage-filled confrontation. Years later, the narrator meets "the professor" for coffee, and discovers that the old obsession has faded. The novel concludes with the narrator and Anouk watching an old home video. Seeing her mother as a young woman of 28, the narrator has an epiphany, recognizing Laila’s own trauma and frustrated potential. She feels a deep sadness for her mother and for their shared pain, but turns to Anouk, kissing her and turning off the screen, choosing her present reality.