Addicted to You

“I needed him to fulfill a desire, one that does nothing but torment me. And he’s reminding me of everything I hate about myself. That I let my downstairs brain control my night. That I can’t be a normal girl and just forget about sex for one second. Just one.”

Lily’s compulsions reach a new level when she hires a sex worker to fulfill her needs one night. What Lily really wants is a loving and meaningful relationship with Lo, but because she feels unable to express this desire, it comes out in the form of pursuing other men instead. The result is that Lily feels gratified in the moment but regrets it shortly after, demonstrating the precarious nature of addiction. The juxtaposition between Lily's momentary gratification and her immediate self-loathing underscores the cyclical nature of addiction. The visceral language, including “torment” and “hate,” highlights how her compulsions directly conflict with her deeper desire for self-acceptance.

“Her words defeated me, tearing down any ounce of resilience. I have nothing left to give, no comfort to spare. I feel like a shell, waiting for the hermit to return home.”

Lily’s sister Poppy sees that she is struggling but doesn’t know why or how to help. What she does know is that Lily needs to open herself up to her family and to a more stable support system, and somewhere deep down, Lily knows this, too, highlighting The Role of Family in Self-Healing. Without her family, she describes herself as empty and devoid of meaning in her life. The metaphor of the “shell” evokes imagery of abandonment and loss, symbolizing how Lily feels hollowed out by her addiction. This image also reflects her yearning for her “hermit”—a part of herself that she believes is lost but hopes can return.

“Life would make more sense if I happened to be a prodigy in art or music. I’d have a direction, a purpose. Then maybe my future wouldn’t look so blank.”

Lily sees nothing when she looks to her future because her entire life has been consumed with sex since the time she was a young teenager. Lily hasn’t developed any skills or learned who she really is, and realizing this fills her with emptiness, which only seems to lead to her wanting to pursue more sex, highlighting the precarious nature of addiction. The reference to a “blank” future emphasizes Lily’s feelings of hopelessness, mirroring how addiction has robbed her of direction. The conditional phrasing (“if I happened to be”) conveys her internalized belief that purpose is an external gift rather than something she can cultivate.

“I turn the nozzle to hot, shed my clothes, step in and shut my eyes—trying to think about anything other than sex. And Loren Hale.”

Lily uses showers as a way to cleanse herself of past acts and rid herself of negative emotions. She frequently gets caught up in a cycle of her own thoughts and cannot break it until her craving is satisfied. Although Lily told Lo to go find someone to have sex with, him doing so just makes Lily jealous, proving that Lily is not being honest with Lo and highlighting The Truths and Lies of Love. Water imagery in this passage symbolizes both purification and futility, reflecting Lily's desire to cleanse herself of her compulsions while being unable to escape them. The heat of the shower parallels her internal conflict, as her physical desire clashes with her emotional turmoil.

“My stomach churns with acid. Lo keeping me from them? I want to laugh or cry or scream, anything-maybe, just maybe, even shout the truth. I can’t fit you into my schedule, not when it’s booked with sex, not when you wouldn’t understand.”

Lily’s family wonders if Lo has something to do with her recent distance from them, and Lily finds this ironic because the real reason is due to her own compulsions and inability to control them. Lily denies herself the role of family in self-healing for a long time due to shame about her addiction and a loop of denial in which she tells herself that she can manage things on her own or with Lo’s help and his alone. The visceral imagery of Lily’s “churning” stomach reflects the internal conflict caused by her lies and avoidance of family. The sharp juxtaposition between her desire to scream the truth and her choice to remain silent underscores her shame and fear of judgment.

“I won’t make a mistake that can cost us what we have. So I pocket my phone, put my car in reverse, and make new plans. Ones that involve blank faces and unpainted canvases. Ones that don’t involve him.”

Lily has managed to convince herself that pursuing a serious relationship with Lo will ruin what they have and result in a total destruction of their bond. This misconception only fuels her motivation to pursue sex with people she doesn’t know, as she works to avoid the possibility of becoming physically close with Lo. Lily’s incorrect perception of her own relationship is an example of the truths and lies of love. The metaphor of “blank faces and unpainted canvases” highlights the emptiness and detachment that Lily seeks in her encounters outside of her relationship with Lo. This stark imagery reflects her attempt to shield herself from vulnerability and emotional risk, deepening her self-imposed isolation.

“I didn’t know that sex addicts could have limits, Lily, but somewhere…somewhere you crossed a line. And you’re scaring the shit out of me.”

When Lo discovers Lily in bed with two strange men, he panics, seeing Lily’s situation more clearly than she does. While Lo and Lily rarely criticize one another, Lo starts to reach a personal limit of tolerance with Lily’s behavior when he sees her putting herself in danger. Like many people, Lo doesn’t fully understand sex addiction, and Lily’s behavior baffles him. Lo’s confrontation represents a turning point in their dynamic, as it marks the first instance where he voices his discomfort with enabling her behavior. The repetition of “somewhere” emphasizes the ambiguity of moral boundaries in addiction, while the raw language (“scaring the shit out of me”) conveys his genuine fear and desperation.

“My body wants him so badly that it trembles beneath his weight, but my head has become far more resilient. He’s just teasing me. That’s it. And I don’t want to wake up feeling ashamed about not stopping. He doesn’t like me like that. He couldn’t want someone like me.”

Romantic language is frequent throughout the novel, used to indicate Lily’s arousal and the way that passion renders her fully in the moment and aware of herself. Lily is still caught up in the truths and lies of love and doesn’t understand what her relationship with Lo is supposed to mean. She sees herself as unworthy of real love because of her sex addiction, which is part of The Relationship Between Sex and Misogyny and how Lily internalizes it. The physical imagery of Lily’s trembling body juxtaposed with her resilient mind reflects her internal struggle between desire and self-control. The statement “He couldn’t want someone like me” underscores Lily’s deeply ingrained self-loathing, shaped by societal judgments of her behavior.

“I am lost to his scotch-colored irises. To the way he stares into me. No one has ever looked at me like this. Everything bursts. I’m flying into the most blissful feeling in the world. I never want to come down.”

There is clear, visceral emotion in the writing when Lily is feeling love toward Lo. In these moments, their connection is fiery and filled with passion. While Lily has had sex many times before, she has never experienced the sort of meaningful, connection-based sex that she experiences with Lo. Unfortunately, it only fuels her compulsion and makes her think about sex more than ever. The metaphor of “flying” and the phrase “I never want to come down” capture the intoxicating high of love and sexual connection, mirroring the addictive behaviors that permeate the novel. The sensory details of “scotch-colored irises” and “blissful feeling” heighten the intensity of Lily’s emotional vulnerability.

“I see something in his eyes—a desire that I hadn’t noticed before. It’s filled with determination, as though convincing me that he’s enough. I hope and pray and wish that he is. Only time will tell.”

Lily foreshadows her impending difficulties with controlling her urges and resisting the desire to sleep with men outside her relationship. Lo has always been bothered by the fact that he thought Lily didn’t see him as being enough, and Lily has never been sure that he would be. The phrase “convincing me that he’s enough” encapsulates both Lo’s vulnerability and Lily’s internal doubts. The layered emotions of hope, prayer, and wishing highlight the precarious balance of their relationship and the lingering uncertainty about whether love alone can help them overcome their addictions.

“Sometimes I wish for a remote control to pause my brain. Just for a moment of peace.”

Underneath Lily’s problems lie anxiety and a tendency to overthink and worry about everything. As a result, Lily covers up these negative emotions by thinking about and having sex, which allows her to avoid dealing with the more important aspects of her life, like family or her future. At times, Lily cannot stop herself from overthinking her situation. The metaphor of a “remote control” illustrates Lily’s longing for relief from the constant noise of her mind. This sentiment captures the overwhelming nature of addiction as both a coping mechanism and a source of further mental chaos.

“Strobe lights flicker across a grassy field. Bodies pump together to the hypnotic beat of house music. We approach at a distance. Most people wear white clothes with streaks of paint and marker that glow in the black lights. They run around and grind, almost animalistic in the cold night.”

The imagery in the party scene when Lily and Connor search for Lo is intense and vivid. Lily is used to a party atmosphere, but it never ceases to thrill and energize her. Lily battles with constant thoughts of sex and lives in a culture where sex is regularly promoted and encouraged, which only serves to worsen her addiction. The use of sensory words like “flicker,” “hypnotic,” and “animalistic” highlights the primal and chaotic nature of the party scene, mirroring Lily’s internal turbulence. The juxtaposition of glowing paint and darkness symbolizes Lily’s simultaneous attraction to and fear of her compulsions.

“Porn is my time bandit, sealing days from me, causing me to be late to family functions and class.”

Lily metaphorically compares her addiction to porn to a thief of time because it has always been the main thing that interferes with other aspects of her life. Although Lily often pursues sex as well, her porn consumption is constant and frequently threatens to ruin her relationships or reputation. The metaphor “time bandit” conveys how addiction hijacks Lily’s ability to prioritize important aspects of her life. This comparison emphasizes the toll that her compulsion takes on her relationships and responsibilities, illustrating the precarious nature of addiction.

“I open my mouth but end up looking like a fish trying to breathe air. Where we have sex shouldn’t matter, but there’s an allure to doing it somewhere deviant. Always has been.”

Lily has a self-deprecating nature, and whenever she looks at herself from the outside, she sees someone who is childish, unassertive, and filled with shame. Lily also struggles to express herself and be honest about how she feels, even with Lo, who has been her closest friend for years. The simile of “like a fish trying to breathe air” captures Lily’s inability to articulate her emotions, symbolizing the suffocating nature of her addiction. The allure of “deviance” reflects the thrill-seeking aspect of her compulsions and the way it exacerbates her feelings of shame.

“I trust Lo to stand down with me here, but once I leave, anything can happen.”

Lily and Lo have a co-dependent relationship, and in some ways, Lily takes pride in the fact that Lo depends on her. She knows that he will behave better with her present and doesn’t like the idea of other people stepping in to take care of him. Lily’s place has always been by Lo’s side, and she fears what might happen if that were to change. The statement “anything can happen” conveys Lily’s underlying anxiety and fear of losing control over their relationship. This reflects her struggle to balance love and dependency, a key element of the theme of the truths and lies of love.

“This caused all the fucking drama today. So I’m doing him a favor, you a favor, and everyone else in this fucking limo a favor by tossing it out.”

Ryke’s blunt honesty is exactly what Lily and Lo need to snap out of their illusion and begin to face the reality that addiction has taken over their lives and become a danger to them both. Lily and Lo both react defensively to Ryke’s interference at first, but it isn’t long before their situation becomes desperate enough that they begin to distinguish the truth of it all. Ryke’s directness contrasts sharply with Lily and Lo’s tendency to avoid confrontation, acting as a catalyst for their eventual reckoning. The repetition of “a favor” underscores his frustration and the urgency of their need to address their addictions. This quote highlights the theme of the precarious nature of addiction.

“Being in a real relationship was supposed to fix the kinks in our lives. It should’ve made our problems easier. We no longer have to pretend. We can be ourselves. We’re free from one lie. Isn’t this the part where our love overcomes our addictions? Where our problems magically solve from a kiss and a promise?”

Lily is under the misguided notion that when she gets together with Lo in an official way, their lives will become simpler. Although it does resolve one of the lies in their lives, it only fuels others, as both of their addictions worsen the closer they get to one another. They become more dependent on each other than ever and eventually need to separate to heal. The juxtaposition of “being free from one lie” with the irony of their deepening struggles reflects the fragile nature of their relationship. The rhetorical questions highlight Lily’s idealistic yet unrealistic expectations about love as a cure-all for their deeper issues.

“My cheeks burn, and I take in his words very carefully. It hurts to see Lo drink so excessively. It hurts to watch him depend on one drink after another, and I constantly fear the day when it becomes too much. But I always bury those worries with carnal pleasures and a natural high.”

When Ryke points out that Lo has alcohol use disorder, Lily hates hearing it because, deep down, she knows it is true. She and Lo have spent years in denial, hiding their addictions from the world and enabling one another’s damaging behavior. All the while, Lily has understood the reality that Lo’s dependency on alcohol could one day lead to his death. The phrase “bury those worries with carnal pleasures” emphasizes the cyclical nature of addiction, where avoidance of one problem leads to deeper entrenchment in another. The visceral descriptions of Lo’s dependency contrast with Lily’s self-awareness, reflecting the tension between denial and acknowledgment.

“My chest caves. We should talk, but what do I say? Lo, I wish you would stop drinking. And he’d say, Lily, I wish you’d stop having so much sex. And then we’d look at each other and wait for the other to say okay, I’ll change for you. But there’d be a silence so deep and cutting that I’d feel ripped open and bare. There’s no coming back from that.”

After living in denial for much of her life, the truths about Lily’s and Lo’s addictions, as well as the nature of their relationship, finally become impossible to ignore. Lily comes to the difficult realization that she and Lo have never been willing to change for one another and that there’s no reason why they suddenly would now. What each of them needs is beyond what the other can provide, and they will need to break their dependency to find it. The metaphor of “silence so deep and cutting” reflects the emotional cost of their co-dependence, capturing the unbearable vulnerability they fear in addressing their addictions. This moment underscores the theme of the truths and lies of love, revealing how their relationship has been both a source of comfort and an obstacle to self-healing.

“A buried, vile part of me almost wishes Rose and Connor never met. Or that I wasn’t his friend first. Anything so that my two worlds don’t have to collide—my family and my college life.”

Lily has always tried to keep her sex life hidden from her family, as well as Lo’s alcohol dependency, because she fears that they will judge and reject her for it. When Connor and Rose start dating, Lily’s two worlds inevitably start to mix, which leads to difficult confrontations with the truth about her addiction and her toxic relationship with Lo. The phrase “two worlds don’t have to collide” metaphorically represents Lily’s compartmentalization of her life. Her internal conflict highlights the role of family in self-healing, as she grapples with the fear that reconciling these parts of her life will expose her vulnerabilities.

“Why did I have sex here? Everything I just did surges into my head and my heart, and I inhale weighted breaths. Why did I do this? What is wrong with me?!”

After Lily fulfills one of her cravings, she always finds herself filled with regret and shame, and yet she cannot break the cycle and stop engaging in these acts. Lily makes the selfish mistake of missing her sister’s fashion show to have sex with Lo, forgetting the role of family in self-healing. The repetition of “Why did I” conveys Lily’s self-loathing and inability to escape the compulsions that define her addiction. The phrase “weighted breaths” reflects the physical and emotional toll of her actions, emphasizing the precarious nature of addiction.

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Lo. I’m here for you now. Whatever you’re going through, I may not have experienced it, but I’m right here.”

When Lo finds out that Ryke is his brother and that he is the product of an affair, he breaks down, feeling like his entire reality has been a deception. Ryke is a strong character and never seems to falter in the face of strong emotions or a challenge, and he remains firm in his support of Lo even despite the tension that their shared past presents. The direct and emotional apology captures Ryke’s ability to address difficult truths head-on, contrasting with Lily’s and Lo’s tendencies to avoid confrontation. This moment reflects the role of family in self-healing, showing how honesty and support can foster growth amid pain.

“He’s devoted his time to me, using my addiction as an outlet I suppose to forget about his. It’s worked, for the most part, but sometimes I see the longing in his eyes, the itch to return to his usual routine since I wade in mine.”

After Lo quits drinking for the first time, he remains in his old life, living with Lily. It is then that Lily and Lo realize the full extent of how their relationship enables and worsens their compulsions because seeing Lily continue to succumb to her cravings makes Lo want to do the same thing. The metaphor “the itch to return” conveys the persistence of addiction even during recovery, highlighting how proximity to temptation exacerbates the struggle. This passage emphasizes the precarious nature of addiction, as the mutual enablement in their relationship prevents them from fully healing.